Why You Can’t Relax Even When Life Is Fine

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If life is finally okay, why does your body still  feel like something is wrong? Why can't you relax?  

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Why do you still feel on edge, restless, unable to  settle even when there's no crisis happening right  

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now? You've done the work. You've pushed through  hard seasons. You've survived things people  

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don't even know about. So why when life should  feel easier does your body still feel tight,  

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still braced, still waiting for the other shoe to  drop? I'm Kathleen Flanigan and I'm an emotional  

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freedom guide and I help high achieving women who  look like they have it together on the outside  

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but secretly feel overwhelmed, disconnected, and  exhausted on the inside. And today I'm going to  

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show you why this happens and give you a simple  practice you can do just in a couple of minutes  

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that can help your body begin to soften. So stay  with me until the end. Because this may explain  

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something you've been blaming yourself for. I hear  women say all the time, "Nothing is wrong, so why  

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do I feel like this?" And maybe that's you. Life  isn't on fire. There's no emergency, no obvious  

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crisis. And yet, you can't even exhale. You can't  settle. You feel like you're waiting, bracing,  

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holding, and tight inside. And because nothing  looks wrong on the outside, you start thinking  

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maybe something is wrong with you. Maybe you're  too sensitive. Maybe you should be over this by  

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now. Maybe you just need to try harder. No, that's  not it. Because your body doesn't respond to  

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logic. Your body responds to safety. And for a lot  of women, especially the strong ones, the woman  

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who hold it together, the woman who became the  dependable one, the fixer, the one who never fell  

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apart. Your body learned something very powerful.  It learned brace first, protect first, hold first,  

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stay ready. Even when the danger is gone, even  when life changes, even when things get better,  

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your body may still be living like something  could happen. And that's why you can't relax. Not  

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because you're broken, not because you're doing  life wrong, but because your body learns survival.

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You don't have to be in crisis to live  like you're in one. Your body may still  

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be re embracing. Look at that for a second  because some of you needed to hear that.  

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You don't have to be in crisis to live  like you're in one. That's what bracing  

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feels like. And some women do it so often  they don't even realize they're doing it.

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So, let me ask you something. right now. Are  your shoulders lifted? Is your jaw tight? Is  

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your stomach clenched? Are you holding  your breath without realizing it? Are  

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your thoughts racing? That's not random. That's  your body talking. That's what I call bracing.  

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And it often becomes so normal and you don't even  notice it anymore. And some women wake up bracing,  

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work bracing, drive bracing, sleep bracing, live  bracing. And you wonder why you're exhausted.

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You may not be anxious because something is not  wrong right now. You may feel anxious because  

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your body got used to living like something  could go wrong. That changes everything  

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because now instead of blaming yourself, you  begin understanding what your body needs.

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And here's what your body needs  first. Safety, not force. Not fixing,  

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not pushing. Safety. Because relaxation is  not something you force. Relaxation happens  

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when the body gets the message. I  don't have to hold on right now.

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And I want to talk a little bit deeper on  this because in the month of May I stopped  

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moving altogether. Now, I was still rebuilding  my website and I was still moving and getting  

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my course together, you know, finalizing it,  tweaking it, that kind of thing. And I spent  

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the whole month wondering if I was ever going  to come out of wherever I was because my body  

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had gone into trauma. And I had Brianna Myers on  the show last week and it she really explained a  

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lot about how our body doesn't work the way our  mind works. The body takes its time and that was  

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pro the biggest thing that I realized last month  was I couldn't take anything. I really couldn't.  

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S was out of town for the month. So that was a  good thing. I needed that entire month not to  

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be dealing with anything. Now, I had, you know,  a cat who's torturing another cat. That was fun  

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to deal with. He got a lot of water with the  water bottle. But the whole point was I just  

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sat there and started to really understand more  about what was going on with me and what was going  

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on in my body. that just because I'm moved through  grief and my father's death and look at all that,  

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that didn't mean my body healed yet. I was moving.  I was emotionally healing. I was healing up here.  

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I did a 90-day detox to get rid of whatever else,  but my body still wasn't healing. Not the way it  

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needed to heal. Yes. Did I lose weight? Yes.  Do I feel better? Yes. Do am I eating a little  

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differently? Yes. But that wasn't that's not  healing the body. That wasn't healing. I was  

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preparing my body for more healing to come in.  And what I've been noticing in the last couple  

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of days is there's a quieter, calmer stillness  inside. And I know it's because I've given myself  

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the space, to rest, to be, to heal, because  I realized I needed to feel safe first. Now,  

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I did go out in the world and I did do things  and that wasn't a problem, but I also became  

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extremely extremely fatigued by the time I came  home. It was like I would hit a wall. And I mean,  

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it was like I literally bounced into a wall and  hit it. And I was like, I have to go to bed now.  

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And then I would go down and I'd be out for eight  hours. And I'd wake up and I'd be refreshed. And   I go through the same thing the next day. Like I  was fine. Everything was good. Everything's moving  

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forward. And then I hit that brick wall and down  I went. And I allowed my body to do that. I didn't  

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judge it. I didn't piss at it. I didn't do any  of that. I just allowed it to happen and I gave  

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myself plenty of grace in the process because the  one thing we don't do aside from resting and not  

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moving and stopping the monkey mind up here is we  don't give ourselves permission to do anything. I  

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mean, we just think, well, I'm just, you know, a  slacker if I'm just sitting here resting. But see,  

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we're we're beings. We're human beings. That  means we have to be. If we were human doers,  

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that'd be a different story. But we're human doers  right now. We're not human beings. So, we need to  

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be. And it's in the quietness, in the stillness,  into in the not judging yourself, not beating  

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yourself up, not doing anything, but just if you  want to have a cup of tea, have a cup of tea and  

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enjoy it. Take a bath. Sit there and be a boob.  Play a computer game. Watch TV. I don't care what  

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you do. Just stop and stop the mind and just know  it's okay. Because this little bit of feeling that  

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I'm feeling on the other side of this thing from  the month of May is like, wow, who is this person  

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on the inside? Because I there's a calmness I've  never ever ever felt in my life ever. And it's  

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like I'm just being Kathleen Flanigan, whatever  that was, whoever she is, I'm just being her. And  

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I think it's pretty exciting because for the first  time in my life, I'm at peace in a way I've never  

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ever thought I would be. And a friend of mine  sent me a video about their seven types of rest.  

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And I think I did all seven types of rest because  it was, you know, it was body, mind, spirit,  

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emotional, I don't know whatever else. There was  three or four other ones. And I when I watched,  

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I was like, "Yep, yep, yep." Every single one of  them, I was in it. I was in it. Even the ones I  

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didn't even know I needed, I was in it. So, it was  a complete shutdown. So, I'm giving you permission  

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to start just being okay with where you are.  Yes, you have families. Yes, you have kids. Yes,  

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you have husbands and spouses and that kind of  thing. But you know what? You also have a mouth.  

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And you can ask for the time. Just ask. Just  say, "Honey, I just need a little bit of time."  

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And give yourself, even if it's just five minutes,  give yourself time to breathe, to rest, to stop.

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Because that's the only way the body is going  to feel safe is when you stop. When it starts  

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observing that there's nothing around you to  harm you. Because as long as you're running,  

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it's it's protecting you. I've lived my whole life  this way. I didn't even know I was living my life  

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this way until I got here. When my father died  is when I really started to see how traumatized  

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I was because you know when when spirit said  you are free to walk about the cabin and I'm   no longer looking over my shoulder. And I didn't  even know I was looking over my shoulder but I  

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did. And even Brianna Meyers talked about that  last week about how we start getting conditioned   and it's so natural that we just think it's who  we are and it's part of what we do. And it's not  

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who we are. It's not what we do. So you have to  give yourself that grace. And writing is probably  

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one of the best things you can do. I mean I  journal a lot. I write a lot. I listen a lot.  

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I'm quiet a lot. And you know I mean when my one  cat starts beating up on torturing the other one,  

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he stalks him is what he does. And Marco  gets all kind of thing and and I get it.  

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He's frustrated because he lives here and  he's allowed to be here. And Shadow comes   along and just stalks them. And we don't  know why he stalks him. He just does.

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That's not bothering me as much as it did in the  month of May. In the month of May, I just was   ready to get rid of the cat altogether cuz it  was like, I can't deal with this. I can't deal  

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with the bullying. I can't deal with anything.  And now it's not so bad because it's a cat. I  

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don't know. You know, I don't understand cats.  I've had them my whole life. I love cats. But,   you know, there are behaviors I see that I don't  even know anything about. So, I'm letting it go.  

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And I've learned to release so much more. And  in that release is when you start finding you.

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That's powerful.

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Like I think I've always known she was there. I  just couldn't find her. And now she's starting to  

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surface. Like it's okay to come up. It's like  it's okay for this really sensitive person to  

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come up and let the world see her. And in that  process, I started making a lot of decisions,  

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too. Like what irritates me, what doesn't, who  do I want to associate with, who do I need for  

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friends? I really started looking further and  deeper into that part of my being because I it  

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was okay to finally ask and finally say, you know,  I don't have to just accept people to be my friend  

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even if they irritate me. So, I have friends,  you know, I I don't need that. I realized a lot  

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of things. I mean, it was like I was growing  up in the process. That's what it felt like,   too. like I was maturing in a way that I've  never understood, you know, and I think it  

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was more that I'm facing me. I'm being with  me. I'm enjoying me. Big difference. It's a  

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big difference. I'm doing the things that make me  feel good. And if I'm in the middle of something,  

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it's like I'm either going to finish it or I'm  going to say, "Okay, I need to take a break."   and I walk away for days. I do that. It's like I  just finding my rhythm. Wouldn't that be nice to  

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find your rhythm? Even if you're in the crazy,  hectic, mad world, you can still be peace with  

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that because I always wanted to have peace  in, you know, what was it? Stillness in the  

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chaos. And I'm beginning to feel like I know what  that what that means now. It was always a dream.  

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It was always something I wanted to do was to have  the quiet stillness inside of chaos and I didn't  

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know how to do that because I was chaotic and now  I'm beginning to understand how to do that. And  

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that's what I'm bringing to you. These are the  gifts that I have that I've lived, I've walked,   and I'm still walking through it. I'm not on  this. I'm not above you. I'm not beyond you.  

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I might be a few steps ahead of you, but it's my  clarity and it's what I'm bringing to the world  

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because the world needs to understand this.  We need to get back into remembering who we   truly are, which are spiritual beings having a  human experience, not a human being who's maybe  

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spiritual because we all are. We all come from  the same source. So, if this is hitting home,

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stop bracing because I want you to know  I'm talking to know I'm talking to the  

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right woman. And if you're realizing, wow, this  is me, and you want a simple place to start,  

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I created a free resource called the light  activation guide. And it's designed to help  

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you to begin reconnecting with yourself  in simple, gentle ways without adding more  

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overwhelm. The link is below, so go ahead and  grab it there because it's free and because  

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sometimes healing doesn't start with doing more.  It starts with becoming coming back to yourself.  

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So let me give you something practical and  not theory. Something you can actually do

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and it takes about two minutes. This is not  about forcing yourself to relax. This is about  

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giving your body a different signal.  So, let's do this together right now.

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Put your hand on your heart and take in a deep breath

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and have your exhale longer.

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Drop your shoulders and say I am safe right now.

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Two minutes. That's all it is.

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Okay. Now put your hand on your heart and one  on your belly. And just notice. No judgment.

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No fixing. Just notice. Now drop  your shoulders. Let your jaw soften.

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Take a gentle breath in.

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and exhale slower than you inhaled.

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Again, inhale and exhale

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and softly say to yourself, "I am safe right now."

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again. I am safe right now.

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One more time. I am safe right now.

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Feel what shifted.

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Even if it's small,

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even if all you notice was a little softness,

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that matters because you're not forcing relaxation.

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You're teaching your body something new that it doesn't have to hold so hard right now.

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And if this conversation feels like  something you've needed for a long time,  

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where you don't have to explain why you  feel exhausted, why you feel overwhelmed,

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why you can't relax even when life looks okay. I  want you to know you don't have to do this alone.

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And that's exactly why I created the I am the  light sanctuary. It's my school community. A  

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place for women like you. Women who are tired of  holding everything together by themselves. Women  

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who want real support, real conversations. real  tools and a safe place to come back to themselves

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inside the community. We go deeper. We do practice  like this. We have conversations like this and I  

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walk with you in the process. So if you're ready  for support, come join me. The link is below.

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And today we talked about why you can't relax.  And maybe for the first time you understand. It's  

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not because you're broken. Your body learned to  brace. And that means it can learn something new.  

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So, if today helped,

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go and download the light activation guide.  It's my free gift to help you begin. And if  

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you know you're tired of doing this alone, then  come join me inside the I am the light sanctuary  

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because healing happens differently when you're  supported. And next week I'm taking this deeper  

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because sometimes your body doesn't feel safe  and you don't even realize it and that changes  

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everything. So until next time, take a breath,  drop your shoulders and remind your body, I am  

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safe right now. If you like what you saw today,  feel free to like and subscribe to my channel. Be  

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sure to download the light activation guide.  It's a real simple tool to just start coming  

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back to yourself. If you know anyone that you  feel that could use this, then please feel free  

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to give them the link. I appreciate your time.  I appreciate you. And I want you to come back  

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into the comfort of you, of who you truly are,  and bringing your beautiful gifts to the world.

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Once again, thank you for being here. I  will see all of you next Tuesday at 400   p.m. Mountain Standard Time. And from my heart  to yours, I hope you have a fabulous week.