Why Achievement Stopped Feeling Good

What if achievement itself was never the problem? What if it's what you asked it to prove?
0:10  You hit the goal, the revenue number, the title, the book deal, the stage,
0:20  and the relief lasted about 11  before the emptiness crept back in.
0:27  If that's familiar, I want you to hear this.
0:31  Welcome to the journey of an awakening spirit. I am Kathleen Flanagan, your host, and I am an emotional freedom guide and founder of the I am the light sanctuary.
0:41  We're beginning a brand new series this month, why everything feels empty.
0:49  Today we're talking about why achievement stops feeling like enough and what it's actually asking for instead.
1:00 minuteHere's what most high achieving women think when a goal doesn't land the way they expected.
1:10 I did something wrong. I must have picked the wrong goal.
1:15  Maybe I need a bigger one. So they set a bigger one, they chase it, they hit it,
1:24 and this feel the same 11  of relief before the emptiness creeps back
1:31 in. You don't have an ambition problem, you have a proving problem.
1:38  And it never actually resolves because it never it was never asked to be resolved with an achievement in the first place.
1:50 Achievement was never designed to fill this. It was built to prove something.
1:56 usually to someone who isn't even in the room anymore.
2:00 A parent, a teacher, a version of yourself at 12 years old
2:06 who learned that being impressive was safer than being seen.
2:13 So, you achieve and it works for a minute. The applause lands, the number
2:21  hits, the title changes, and then quietly your nervous system starts scanning for the next thing to prove.
2:35  What is your next goal actually trying to prove and to whom?
2:42  I want to talk about my books because this is the thing that should have made a big difference in my
2:49  life and it didn't. When I was asked in 2008 to move to Chicago to write the
2:57  books, I'm like, okay. So, I went, no big deal.
3:02  What ended up happening is during that whole process of writing the books, it was all pretty much like a diary of my life during that year of all the things
3:11  that were changing and shifting and what I was waking up to, what I was realizing and how I felt in the process. And I
3:20  kept thinking that the book is going to be doing something different. It's going someplace else. I didn't know where it was going or what it was going to be
3:28  doing, but I just kept writing the book and moving forward. Now, this was a pretty much a three-year journey because
3:36  it ended in 2011 when my mother passed away. And what
3:44  when I found the editor, I was told that these were going it was
3:51  going to be a trilogy. That's what spirit told me. The books were going to be a trilogy. And I'm like, "Oh, yeah, sure, whatever." Um, and it was because
4:00 the volume of the manuscript warranted it to be a trilogy. So, you know, why argue with spirit when they tell you
4:07  something? Because they're usually right and you're not.
4:13  And when I finally got the first book, I like the first book because it was like the fun happy book is how I describe it.
4:19  It's a fun, happy thing when spirit comes in and like, "Oh, everything's so cool and look at all the magic and look at all this." And when that book became
4:28  an award-winning, multiple award-winning book, I thought something was like these people just have no clue because in my
4:36  mind, see, I lived this experience and it didn't feel good to me and I didn't really like it and I didn't think
4:45  anything of it because it was like I just need to get on to the next thing because it I didn't get I didn't feel good about it and people
4:53  would be like all excited that they became an award winner. or that they were a bestseller. And I felt nothing. It was completely empty to me.
5:01 secondI didn't understand why. I just went on to whatever the next thing was. And then I spent several years trying to get the second book. Now, I hated the second
5:10  book because that's the dark part starting to come in. That's where as the light enters your body, you start going deeper into yourself.
5:21  You start seeing the darkness. And that's why it's called The Dark Knight of the Soul because this is the beginning phase of what The Dark Knight of the Soul was.
5:30  And I really hated that book. I didn't want this book to come out for anything.
5:34  But it was part of this journey that I was on and I knew it needed it to come on. And so when I decided it was time to
5:42  get the second book out, I tal called my editor and I said, "Can you I asked her first of all to write the back cover because she was a genius at that. And
5:51  then I said, I just really can't stand this book and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what's wrong with it.
5:56  But it's like after all these years and we are talking the book was finished in 2011.
6:03  It was I think 2021 when I put the book out or 2020 somewhere in there. And I I just said I I don't know how to resolve
6:12  this book. She looked at it. She did whatever she did. I don't know what she did. I really truly don't. But all of a sudden the book was okay.
6:20  and I went out and I applied, you know, I submitted the books for award-winning and I'm thinking nobody's going to
6:29  nobody's going to like this book. It's not going to be a number one and it's not going to award anything. And I was
6:36  on the phone with a friend of mine and and normally I don't do two things at once, but for some reason I saw this and
6:43  it was like, "Oh, I wonder what this is." And I started screaming and she's like, "What? What? What? What?" And I said, "I've been an international award-winning on my second book." And
6:51  she's all excited. And I was all excited because I did not expect to win anything
6:57  on that book. Nothing. I didn't expect anything. And it was so shocking because to me, this book was so hard and it's so personal.
7:09  And somebody thought it was worth being an award, winning an award. And I'm like,
7:15  whoa. And instead of not responding to it and just going on to the next, I was
7:23  like, you know, Kath, you really need to sit down and be with this one for the first time. You need to really embrace this. Because I was doing a lot of mind
7:30  work at that point. I had a coach going on. I was in David Bayer's group thing, coaching, whatever it was, legendary.
7:41  And you know, and I told people and they were all excited. that I was excited because this felt so different to me.
7:49  For the first time in my life, this felt very, very different. And then I thought, okay, well, I'm going to try to go for being a bestseller. So, I did
7:57  that in what, several five, six months later, I went for a number one bestseller and I hit it. And I was
8:06  shocked because I really never expected anyone to want to read this book or that it would be worth anything like
8:15  that. And I really embraced that because for the first time in my life, I realized that I didn't have to
8:24  accomplish anything to be worthy of anything. That I was already worthy and that what I did that it was a
8:31  recognition for something that I did because writing a book is not easy.
8:37  It's not. It's time consuming. How many times you feel like you've got this, you know, block going on. You don't know
8:45  where you're going with it. You're kind of following it. How are you developing the characters?
8:51  There's a lot that goes into it. And then then there's the editing that goes into it. And then there's the book covers that go into it.
8:59  And you know, and I remember my editor saying, "Well, you think the book is done now that the hard part's over?" She said it's not. It's just beginning because marketing is where the real work
9:08  comes in. And she's absolutely right about that. Cuz I at that time I'm like, "No, I don't think so. I don't think so." Because this book was so hard on
9:17  me. And she's right. But see, this is a different it's different now. And it's taken me, you know, I'm 20 years past
9:25  when I wrote the books, pretty close to it, 18 years.
9:30  And I see the books totally different than what I did when I was in it. And I lived it.
9:37  And it was very painful because it was the beginning of my waking up. It was the beginning of my remembering.
9:44  It was the beginning of me realizing that there that I had a value that I was worthy that I was deserving
9:52  and I was doing things to prove that I was good enough just the way I was and where I was.
10:01 secondAnd I was around people that seemed to accept me in ways that I felt like I had never been accepted for
10:10  before. And that really surprised me, too. So there was a lot going on and even though I talked about a lot of things, it's now in the reflection. And
10:19  I can still go back there and remember that. And I remember spirit telling me also that these books were a
10:28  manual and these are going to be something that people are going to come back to over and over. And and when they asked me, I think after all three books
10:35  were published, they said, "Sit down and read the books again." Okay. So I did.
10:40  And they're easy reads. They're they're really easy reads. So I I sat down and I read it and was like, "Oh, this is
10:48  different. I don't you know, it's not like I didn't remember anything. It was like I was seeing things differently. I was coming from a different
10:56 perspective." And then they asked me to read them again and I did and I found a totally different answer and I had a totally different experience in the books and
11:04  I'm like oh my god I don't know how spirit does this but these books literally are if you need something you're going to go to the page that you need it and whatever it is will be there
11:12  for you and that's what it was showing me and that's what was going on for me in that process
11:20  but I didn't I still hadn't totally 100% embraced waste everything on it yet cuz I'm still an overachiever.
11:32  There are some things that are never going to change and I own that I am still an overachiever. I will always be an overachiever because it's a pattern
11:39  that I I can't break. But see what it is. What's the difference is now is I know I am and I know when I'm obsessing
11:47  and I know when I need to stop doing that for myself.
11:50  That's the advantage of understanding because see my thing is if you tell me how to do something if I want to do it I will do it but hold my hand for at least
11:58  five  so I can get off the ground because it's there's nothing worse than paying somebody and I get tired of this
12:05  too. You pay somebody all this money to help you get to where you go and you get through it and then it's like okay now
12:12  you're on your own. You're off and you're like well what do I do now? I completed the course, but what do I do?
12:21  And that's what that's the thing that really got to me the most is feeling abandoned
12:29  and then not knowing. And I was being drilled yesterday by a woman and it was perfect because she's trying
12:36  to understand something and I just said, "I'm just tired of you spend all this money. You're buying somebody's name
12:44  with spending the money and then they just throw you to the wolves." And I said, because it's like now what? I don't know what to do next. Because I
12:52  didn't learn a skill. I learned how to do something, but I didn't learn the skill behind it. I didn't know how to take that next step or what that next step actually was because in concept you
13:01 secondcan understand it but in reality you can't because you've got this head trash that goes on. So then the overachiever comes back in and it's like you know
13:10  what I'm just going to go someplace else and do something different because I don't know and maybe someday I'll figure this out and then I can move on from there.
13:19  It's what we do. So instead of thinking I would a failure because you know we want to be overachievers because we don't want that sense of failure that's
13:26  going on with us because we feel that way especially when we've done this and spent the money and we should know better and we don't just sucks.
13:37  So when So I realized at that point at that moment and I was just going on about how I'm such an overachiever
13:46  yesterday and I'm proud of it because it's not that I'm just an overachiever. There's also a mission that I have.
13:53  There's something that I'm here to do that I want to do and I really want to make that happen in my life. That's part of the overachiever, but it's not all of it.
14:06  There's a drive and some of us have, excuse me, coughing on my words again.
14:12  Some of us have this really strong sense of drive and I know overachieving is part of that drive. Part of what
14:21  happened to us in our childhood is part of that drive. And it's about finding where you are in that. It's okay if you
14:30  want to be an overachiever. It's okay if you want to prove something to yourself.
14:36  not to the world, to you. But you also need to know that you're okay just the way you are.
14:42  And that's a hard place to get to. Excuse me.
14:51  And I think what I realized yesterday is that I'm
14:58  really okay with where I am because I've done enough deep healing. and what I need to do and what I want to do to help people not be where I've been.
15:11  I'm doing the deep work and most people will never do the deep work that I've done to the depth that I've gone.
15:19  But what I can show them is that if you do this work,
15:26  there's a sense of peace in your beingness that you've never felt. There's a sense of I really am
15:34  okay just the way I am. There's a sense of understanding your place, whatever that
15:43  is and whatever that means to you. You understand things that you've never understood or felt before. And that's
15:52  what I want people to understand because we're crazy in this world. This world is insane right now.
15:59  But we're not this world. We inside of this being, this body is our world.
16:07  And if we can bring peace and tranquility and happiness and joy inside this when there's all this chaos out
16:15  here, that says something because that's you remembering who you are. That's you
16:22  remembering that you're valuable for who you are. You're here on this
16:29  planet for a reason and that's enough. We don't have to be the next Bill Gates or the Steve Jobs.
16:37  We don't have to be those next people because who we are within the world that we created for ourselves.
16:47  You matter to somebody.
16:49  If it's a parent, if it's your family, your kids, your spouse, your friends, it doesn't matter. You are somebody important to those people in your life.
17:01 secondWe're not above. We're not beneath. We're equal.
17:06 We may look different. We may think differently. We may have different ways we handle things. That's okay because that's where acceptance come from.
17:14  That's where tolerance comes from. So when I went for because right now I'm a multi-winner
17:21  on my third book and this book is even darker than the last the second book and yet I'm a
17:28  multi-awwardwinning author on that book. So three books already and I'm really proud of that now. I'm really proud of this of
17:37  something that was so hard and I was validated.
17:44  I was validated. I put myself out there when I was terrified to do it and I was validated for the hard work that I did
17:52  that there's people who read those books that thought they were worthy to win an award and to become a number one
18:00 bestseller. The only book left to become a number one bestseller is the third one and that is probably going to be this fall when I go after that one to become
18:08  an award winner again. And that is something to be very very proud of. I worked hard at it. I went through hell
18:15  through it and that's something to be proud of. And and anything I mean every award that I have that's sitting around
18:24  me, anything that I won, you know, dance competitions, I can charter a 40ft sailboat. You know,
18:32  these were all things I was like, "Okay, whatever." They're just they just feel sorry for me. I mean, this is the weird stuff we think. Stop doing that.
18:43  Stop doing that. You don't need evidence for your worth. Your worth is because you're here.
18:53  You have always been worthy regardless of what people have said. And believe me, I know that I was told I was unworthy my whole life. But I'm worthy
19:02  and I have been and I'm really stepping into that. And it's not an easy thing to step into. But I would recommend doing
19:10  the work, putting everything down. And what I want to do now is I want you to
19:17  go ahead and take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.
19:24  On the left, I want you to write what this achievement was supposed to prove.
19:36  And on the right, write what it actually gave me.
19:49  I'm not going to ask you to fill it in now, but when you have time where you're in your quiet place, take five
19:57  and fill out both sides. Honestly, I don't want you to edit it and I don't want you to minimize what you achieved.
20:09  When you're done, look at both columns and ask yourself if there is a gap.
20:17  And if there is, what was what were you actually chasing?
20:28  And just be honest with yourself on that because this is about you.
20:35  This is about you coming back to the wholeness of you. For you to accept you for the grand the greatest grandest
20:44  person that you are because you are magnificent.
20:48  Even if you don't think you are, you are. We all are.
20:54  And we just have to remember that.
20:59  So right now I invite you to close your eyes and place your hand on your heart
21:11  and bring to mind one thing that you've achieved that you're proud of.
21:23  And instead of asking what it proved, just let yourself feel it.
21:34  Not as evidence, as experience.
21:46  and say quietly to yourself, I do not have to earn my place here.
21:57  I already have one. My worth was never in question.
22:14  Now take a breath in and out.
22:26  and open your eyes when you're ready.
22:42  This is week one of why achievements stop feeling good. Next week, we ask an even harder question. What happens when
22:50  the life you built doesn't feel like yours anymore?
22:58  Please subscribe so you don't miss it and share this with the woman in your life who's still chasing the next goal to feel like enough.
23:07  I want to invite you to come into the I am the light sanctuary for free for seven days. Check it out. Check out the
23:15  permission slips, all the different classrooms in there. And if it's a fit, I invite you to join. And if not, I want
23:23  to thank you for stopping by and I wish you well.
23:27  This is simply an invitation and the link will be in the show notes. I am Kathleen Flanagan and you don't have to carry this alone.