Why Being The Strong One Is Exhausting

Have you ever noticed the moment things finally calm down, you get anxious?

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Have you have you finally have a free evening and nothing is wrong, no crisis, no emergency, and somehow you still can't relax.

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You pick up a phone. You start another project.

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Or you even clean something that doesn't need cleaning.

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You worry about tomorrow because being still feels uncomfortable.

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If that's you, I want you to hear this. You're not bad at relaxing. You learned survival.

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I'm Kathleen Flanigan, an emotional freedom guide, and I help high achieving women who look like they have it all together on the outside, but secretly

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feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and disconnected on the inside.

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Today, we're going to talk about why your body doesn't know how to rest, why peace can actually feel unsafe, and one thing you can do to begin feeling safe enough to finally exhale.

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Stay until the end because I'm going to walk you through a simple exercise that you can begin calming your nervous system in just a few minutes.

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Have you ever said, "I don't know how to sit still.

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I always have to be doing something. I can't shut my mind off.

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Even vacations stressed me out.

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You don't have a relaxation problem. You have a survival pattern.

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For years, your body learned to stay alert, be prepared, and take care of everyone.

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Don't let down your guard.

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And eventually, your body forgot how to rest.

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I remember a time in my own life when I finally got through a difficult season and thought I I'd feel relieved.

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Instead, I felt anxious. I kept waiting for the next thing to happen. I didn't

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realize my nervous system had become addicted to bracing. And maybe that's you, too.

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You learned survival.

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You became alert, responsible, and strong.

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But you certainly didn't feel safe, rested, or relaxed. Your

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nervous system has one job, and that is to keep you alive. And if your life has been filled with stress, loss,

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uncertainty, caregiving, trauma, or constantly holding everything together, your body learns something.

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Relaxing isn't safe. Being prepared is safe. Doing is safe.

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Control is safe. rest? I don't think so. It's unknown.

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And the nervous system does not trust the unknown.

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So, when was the last time you truly felt safe enough to do nothing?

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Who taught you that you had to be strong all the time?

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Maybe no one said it. Maybe life taught you. Maybe pain taught you.

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Maybe survival taught you.

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If this is resonating with you, tell me in the comments.

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Do you struggle more with slowing down or with asking for help?

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If you're ready to begin connecting yourself, then download my free light activation guide. It's filled with

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simple practices that help you feel grounded, connected, and supported. And today, I want to teach you something that I call the safety reset.

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So, let's do this together.

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I want you to pause and look around the room.

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Notice something beautiful.

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Notice something comforting. Notice something familiar.

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Now take a slow breath in and exhale

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again. Inhale and exhale.

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And one more time. Inhale and exhale through your mouth, letting everything go.

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Now place your hand on your heart and say softly to yourself, I am here.

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I am excuse me I am safe in this moment.

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Nothing is required of me now.

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Take one more breath in and exhale.

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Did you notice your shoulder soften?

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Did you notice your jaw release? This is what safety feels like.

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It doesn't happen all at once. It happens in moments.

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And I want to share a little bit about when I started actually really understanding this. And

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it was actually last month in the month of May when when I had to stop moving. I was so

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exhausted on so many levels and I and I've done a lot of thinking about this in the last week. And interesting things

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have happened in my old coach. He and I just had a talk before I got here.

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And um I love my coach and I'm going to hire him again. There's no doubt about it. But the one thing that and in the

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trainings that I'm doing is going to talk about this more too. But I had to stop moving. And when my father died, there was so much that happened in my

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body that I am still understanding what all happened in my life as a result of this.

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And even though I took the time and I did the grieving and the healing and the anger and all the things that you go through in a grieving process and glad

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that he's dead and no longer looking over my shoulder and all of that, I did not understand or know the impact of what that man did in my life.

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And when the water heater went out in April and Sal and I both went into, you know, a post-traumatic type stress place

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where we just put our heads down and just dealt with it even though we were both emotionally on overload

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when he left for Texas and I had to be at home.

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And I was telling my coach this that I was like this little kid. Like I would have things that would be like the first

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thing that I did when I got when Sal left and I was off this detox and I'm in the grocery store and I'm having this conversation with my body because it's

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not stopping to talk to me. And I said, "What is it that you want that's going to make you happy?" And it said, "Wine and chocolate." So I had wine. I bought

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a bottle of wine, got some chocolate, ate it, and had a glass of wine. And I said, "Are you happy now?" And it said, "No, it didn't work." And what was so

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funny about this is that this little kid inside of me was like holding itself

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like, "No, it didn't work." And it was just being like this petulant little child stomping its feet, so angry that

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nothing was working. And I'm thinking, "Oh my god, what is going on here?" What was happening at that moment was

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my nervous system was releasing a lot of stuff. Now, I've done a lot of inner child work, okay? A lot. And this was a

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whole new level that I didn't even know was there. And realize that that little

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girl was still running my life, believe it or not. And so many of us work from our little girl and little boy that hasn't been healed, believe it or not.

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And and no matter how much healing you do until you start really stopping and resting and dealing with your nervous

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system and your nervous system isn't going to feel isn't going to heal until it feels safe. Very key po very key. Very key.

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That's what I had to learn. So when I wasn't doing much in the month of May, my capacity was shot. I'm learning a

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whole new system and I'm like I can't I can't do it. I just can't. I would do little tiny things that I was able to do

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and that was all I could do and that's all I did. So I was still moving forward in these really really really really

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tiny baby steps. I mean I was like an inchworm is what it felt like and but the what I noticed as this little girl's

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coming up and being pissy and being grumpy and all of this and realizing that this child is still running my life. No matter how much I healed it was

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still running. Now, I contribute a lot of this was the detox because I was on the end stages of the detox

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and and then cell being gone and the water heater that it just everything just flattened me is how I felt. I just felt like I was flattened and I couldn't

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do anything and I just had to be with this. I wasn't angry. I wasn't pissy. I wasn't judging myself. I was just being

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with it. And in that process, I discovered there are seven types of rest. and I needed all of them. I also

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realized that chocolate and wine was not the cure all. I realized that having wine when I would stress out was what I

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did. Um to numb whatever I was feeling because it was so overwhelming to me and I didn't realize what I needed to do.

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But that was how I handled it. As many of us handle it, we have an addiction that we do. Now, I'm not addicted to

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wine. I like my wine, but I'm not addicted to it. So, as I'm like going through this and realized that wine

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doesn't it just started making me feel bad because after 90 days of not having a gl any alcohol, it was like I don't need this.

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So, I wasn't interested in that. But what I did notice as the thoughts were coming up as far as how I was feeling,

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what I was thinking about, realizing that the body, blind, mind, soul connection, body, mind, spirit

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connection was a whole new level at a deeper level than I ever knew because, you know, my spirit wants to go out and do things. That's what drives us.

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Believe it or not, our spirit drives us.

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Our body wants to participate, but sometimes it can't because, you know, we're manifestation. We're solid. We're not spirit who can flit around the

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universe. And then there's the mind that does what the mind does. I mean, we have to deal with how our mind operates. We have to understand the mechanisms and

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the working operation of the mind. When you understand how the mind works, then it can start helping with the body because the mind actually does keep our body healthy.

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It's what we do to it. It's what we think is what causes the stuff that goes wrong with our body. So, as I'm sitting here going, "Wow, this is a whole new

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level of understanding, and I'm not sure how this is all put together yet, but I'm learning it." The one thing that I

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did notice probably about a week before Sell got home was there was this peace inside of me that I had never felt. I

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mean, a genuine peace of like, who is this person?

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And I realized that that was that little girl had that opportunity to like just wallow in her stuff.

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have a little tent tantrum. I didn't stop her. I didn't chastise her. I didn't do anything. I let her be. And I

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just watched the thought forms. And I can't tell you how many times I sat on my couch going, "Oh god, if people knew this, they'd be putting me in a state

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institution because I thought I was crazy, but I knew what was happening. So, I knew I wasn't like totally crazy.

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I got this hair." Anyways, um I had to

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be okay with where I was and what and what was it? Two days

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before S came home, my capacity started to increase.

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And when I was putting all of my show stuff for the next month together and the trainings and the live trainings I

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want to do and everything, two things happened. One of them, a question was asked was, "Well, what was the moment

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when everything changed for you?" And it was when I asked for help.

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And it wasn't when I thought it was.

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And I told this to my coach today because he had never I never shared this story with him and I didn't think I knew what that story was until two days ago.

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And I reached out to him and said, "I got to tell you something." Anyways, um

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I am a strong woman and people hang on to me like I'm the rock of Jibralar. And when the Rock of Gibralar falls, they're

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scared because they're drowning because they're hanging on to me for dear life.

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Well, I don't like that role. And yet it's that role that I have.

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But what I realized was there was a moment that something happened when I was working with my coach

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and I was going down. I was going down fast that this whatever this was there was a big shift and I freaked out. So I

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reached out to him and I said I need to talk to you. Do you have a moment? And he said give me this

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much time. And I said okay. and he called me back and I was in tears when he called back. Part of it was because of whatever was happening at that

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moment, but the other part was and I realized this two days ago I asked for help and he was the first person who didn't slam the door in my face.

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I can't tell you how many times somebody slammed the door in my face when I asked for help.

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So when I say I trust no one, there's a lot of history behind that one. And that was one of the

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main things that I had to face. And and he Joey was really moved by it when I

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said that um because he didn't know that. And I said, "But you were." And it was like that's when I knew I could

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breathe. That's when I exhaled. Finally exhaled. And I said, and that's when I got back into my heart because I knew

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that you come from his, he comes from his heart. He teaches from his heart and that's what I wanted.

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And nothing has stopped me since then.

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But what what that meant and the things that I've put together, I had to go back to that moment in time

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to remind myself of when was it that I really changed?

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When was that moment? I'm thinking it was two years before that when it wasn't. It was two years ago, not four.

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And because of that, a lot of things have changed in my life. The quality of people that are coming into that are

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more heart-c centered, soul centered, they're coming in, they're helping me when I need help and when I'm the crazy banshee lady. Okay?

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They're there and they get me. They get me through it and we're laughing and smiling by the end of it. Those are people I want to work with. That's how I

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work with people. I can handle anything was like just breathe and we'll get you through it. Just breathe and we'll get you through it.

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And a lot of people don't do that. What else also happened as far as feeling like I'm an adult finally? Uh I know

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that's a weird thing to say but it feels that way. The other thing that happened also with that process is um my BS

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barrier is so much higher than it ever used to be and I make decisions differently and I'm discovering that if

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I'm not in alignment with someone, I don't want to stick around because it doesn't feel right. Something's wrong.

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Something's missing. And and I'm trusting my intuition a lot. I do anyways, but it's it's different in what I'm experiencing right now.

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And I'm thinking when I'm doing when I get feelings about something, I've always stopped and just

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started, you know, I get off the stage, so to speak, and I observe it. And I look back and there's something

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that when something doesn't feel right, it's like I just sit back and I just watch and observe and then it's just a matter of time before it shows up because people's colors will always show

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up. If there's if they're hiding something, it will show up. I promise you it always does if you're looking.

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And I and I remember cuz I'm working as a in this beta program and I discovered that

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she's using Iawaska and other things or whatever it is that she's using and it's okay. I don't care. That's her choice.

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But it doesn't serve me and it doesn't feel right to me. And I feel like we're out of alignment. And it made sense why

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that first module that I did, it didn't make sense. Like I can't identify with this. Well, now I know why.

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It's not right, wrong, good or bad. It's her path. It's not my path. My path is I did everything on my own. I've learned everything. I didn't miss a beat.

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And to me, that's more important because you can get to where you want to be without drugs and alcohol. And I know a lot of people say, you know, I've I've

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heard the stories of Iawaska. Believe me, I know all about it. It's not something that I ever had a desire to do

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and I don't want to do it. And it's okay if other people did it. That's that's fine. That's their choice. I don't judge them. We all have our own paths to do what we need to do.

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But the whole point here is that the goal isn't to force yourself to relax.

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The goal is to help your body experience safety because safety comes before a healing

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and safety comes before peace and safety comes before trust. And I know how

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lonely it feels when every when you're the strong one and everyone depends on you and everyone thinks you have it

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all together, but inside you're exhausted and you don't have to do this alone anymore. And that's why I created

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the light I am the light sanctuary. It's a place where you can soften, where you can breathe,

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where you can be supported, and finally come home to yourself.

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And if you're ready for that, I'd love to welcome you.

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You're not broken and you're not failing. You learn survival.

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And what was learned can be unlearned.

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And I'm walking proof of what that is right now.

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When we focus on wanting to learn to be better, to improve ourselves, it's it's way beyond an onion peeling

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because this is like the core of my essence. Sometimes I feel like I hit my core and then I find out it goes deeper.

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But it's just trusting and it's really stopping all the head trash that you do.

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It's stop. It's get off the stage. Get out of the drama. Just be who you are.

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Be okay with you because you're fine. You're perfect just the way you are and you're right where

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you're supposed to be. And yes, I still battle that some days about why is it taking me so long and blah blah blah

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blah blah. It's not. I designed my life to be the way it is. And when I wait that long,

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I know that when that moment, that breaking point that I'm really striving for happens,

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it's going to be perfect and it was going to be in the right time and I will know it. It's just my personal impatience that I do up here. It's if

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I'm looking outside my body trying to compare myself to somebody else of they got theirs and I didn't get mine. How do I know they got theirs? Because they said so. That doesn't mean they did.

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What's going on up here with them?

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What's going on in their life? That's the reason. So that's why I stay in my lane. That's why I encourage people.

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Stay in your lane.

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You haven't walked a mile in their shoes. You don't know what their life is.

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I don't want to know what other people's lives is. I know mine sucked for a long time. It sucked. But you know what? It was my life. I made the best of it and I

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just kept being positive knowing knowing that one day I will get on the other side of whatever this was.

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It's a lifelong journey.

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We live in a 7-Eleven society and the microwave is too slow.

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And what does that do? It keeps us from feeling safe.

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What you want to do is take it's one safe breath at a time. It's one moment of rest at a time.

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One act of kindness towards yourself at a time. That's it.

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One moment.

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So, what did you do good for yourself today?

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What's what nice thing did you do for you? Because you're the one that matters.

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You matter more than your spouse and your kids. You're still number one and you need to treat yourself like number one because you are worthy and you are deserving of that.

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Next week, we're going to talk about why achievement stopped feeling good.

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If this episode spoke to you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs it, and remember, you don't have to carry this alone.

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