You Look Fine ... But You’re Drowning

Kathleen Flanagan (00:02)
You will ever notice how the strong ones don't get checked on. The dependable one, the one who holds it all together, the one who always figures it out, that's you. You handle the deadlines, you manage the conversations, you remember the birthdays, you fix the problems before anyone else sees them. From the outside, you look fine. But what no one sees

is the exhaustion, the quiet resentment, the loneliness in a full room, the pressure of never being the one allowed to fall apart. And here's the hardest part. You don't even know how to ask for help anymore because being the capable one became your identity. Today, we're talking about the cost of being the strong one

and why no one knows you're drowning.

Strong women don't collapse. We over function.

We perform wellness, we post our wins, and we keep moving. That's what we do. It's all about the looking good program. That's what I've always said when I said I have a looking good program to maintain. That's what I thought I was talking about, but I really wasn't. I was talking about something deeper, but I didn't have the awareness of that yet. All I knew is I just had to always look good, and I knew I wasn't allowed to fall apart.

and I knew that I was the strong one so I could get through any crisis that there was, but what I couldn't do was fall apart at the moment. So usually if I was in a crisis situation of something that happened and I had to be very strong, I could get through it and people used to admire, how are you doing that? Well, it was like nobody else could do it, so it was up to me to do it. So as I performed, so to speak,

A month later is when I would collapse and break or whatever it was that happened. And I remember that back in the days when I was younger and I used to notice that. Cause I watched my mom do it sort of, but my mom collapsed more than I ever did. And I think that what got me the most is the first time I noticed it, it didn't make me a happy camper. I felt good that I could get through this. I could get through the crisis. I could bring people through a crisis.

I felt really good about that and my adrenaline couldn't shut down. My body was go, go, go, go, go. When everything was back into homeostasis, everybody's fine, everything's good, which would take over a month. It was about a month when this would happen. And I'd be like, my God.

and I would collapse because it was a delayed response. And part of it was is that nobody ever realized that neither did I that my nervous system wasn't shut down. My nervous system was always prepared to carry everything. You know, I carried tension and I didn't even notice I was carrying tension. I remember the first time I saw my shoulders up to my ears when I was 18 years old, graduating high school and thought nobody else looks like that. What's going on with me?

little subtle observations, but not understanding what the body was telling me then. And I never felt supported. I always felt like I was on my own. My family certainly didn't care about me. They didn't care about what I did. They were just whatever they were. And I was the dark sheep of the family is how I looked at it.

And I just felt like I just never was able to catch a break. So I was slowly dying on the inside without even knowing I was dying. I just figured I got the stiff up, stiff up or lip, so to speak. But I was eroding on the inside.

And this didn't start when I was an adult. I saw it as an adult. It started when I learned that it was safer to be useful than emotional. I learned it because it was better to solve than to need. And that was reinforced even in the business world. You don't come to your boss with a problem. You come to... ⁓

talk to your boss and you have solutions to the problem that's addressed and you have more than one. Excuse me. Those were the things that I learned. And love was earned through reliability. I figured if I was out working, making money, helping my husband with the house, all that kind of stuff, I figured he would love me. You know, that wasn't it.

because we had two different love languages. Not that we knew what that word meant back in those days, but that's what the truth was. Everything was on the outside. My love language was totally different. Mine is about supporting and being there and doing everything I can to bring in the money. And his was all about the touchy feely thing. And that was not part of what made me feel good because to me at that time,

touch was very dangerous. was not, I didn't feel safe when somebody touched me. And there were reasons for all of that, which most of you already know that. ⁓

That's where when I realized that my vulnerability wasn't met. So I had to adapt to protect myself, to save myself. So I decided to become, when I was younger, I didn't want anybody to expect anything out of me. So I was an underachiever. But when I got into my twenties and I went to school, I realized I didn't have to prove anything to anybody. So now I had to prove it to myself. So I became exceptional. I was going to get on the

whatever you call it, the Dean's List or Phi Beta Kappa or whatever it was. I was gonna do that to prove that I wasn't stupid because I had always figured if I acted stupid, nobody would expect anything out of me. But see, I didn't like that as I got older, so I changed it. So here I am, it's like I'm on the honor roll, people. Hello, look at me, I have a brain. Did that make any difference to my family? No, they didn't care at all. So.

All I did was I created that beautiful armor for myself to protect myself and I kept people away all the time.

And again, I didn't know it then, I know it now. And if I slowed down, I thought I would fall apart.

I thought everything else would fall apart.

and I really didn't believe anybody would catch me.

And then I went to do a woman's leadership and I had to do a trust fall. I screamed the whole way down. I had to talk myself literally to turn my back, put my hands across my chest and lean back and trust that somebody would catch me. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do that and stepping over an edge, was shaken like you wouldn't believe it, this leadership trying to break through my armor that I had put on.

And what I kept telling myself over and over again during that period of time was you wouldn't let anybody fall and get hurt. So why would you think they would do that to you? And I couldn't answer those questions because I didn't remember why I thought that. But I remember doing that. Now, it didn't mean that I trusted people right after that trust fall. What it meant is that I went through the initial shock. I realized people were there. I realized that there was a safety net, but I didn't believe it yet.

I just knew that it was there. And I came up with a whole new dialogue, well, they have to do that. But I also knew that wasn't true too. I I was learning how to step back and observe what I was going through in my life to see the contradictions that were going on inside my head.

And what I realized, this was not weakness. I mean, I thought it was, but it really wasn't. It was my nervous system that had equated my hyper responsibility was for survival.

I really was. I I always said that I was probably going to turn into one of those mean old ladies who were just too mean to die. And not that I feel that way now, but I feel like whatever my drive is, is I'm going to get through what I need to get through. There was an underlying determination in me. I always thought other people would make it. When I came out of the drug habit, I would not be. I would be the one that failed. I'd be the one that died. That didn't happen.

And I never understood what was driving me at that point. But something was driving me and I kept going. But what it did show is it showed up as emotional numbness. Now, I wouldn't show emotion, but I felt everything. I have seven planets in water. OK, I feel everything. I don't care if I can put on that stoic face. didn't matter. I hurt.

And how it showed up was the constant dialogue in my head of reliving, reliving, reliving, retrying to find a solution to just make it go away. I was always irritable. I mean, I'm irritable now just with this detox. And talked to the doctor today, so I'm on L-Lysine and I quarter teaspoon and I feel great. Like I'm calming down because I don't know how to

Manage something like this other than there's so much changing inside my body that I'm reacting to it and I'm having to trust the body and to trust That it's going to take care of me It just has to catch up and since the detox part of the lymphatic is where I was the most stressed That's why it's affecting me right now even more. I always wanted to be invisible and nobody could see me

I don't care how bright my light was, I knew how to be invisible and I lived it. I would have people who said, I can see every invisible person in here and they would point them out and she looked at me so many times. Again, women's leadership. She looked at me so many times, front row, she never saw me. And she said, who didn't I see? And I was the only one who stood up because I knew how to be unseen. And I was always angry, always.

It hasn't stopped. I'm still angry. Not like I was. It's better. It's more directed. It's more where it serves the purpose that if I get angry, but it's more it's more frustration. But I use my anger to keep people away from me. And I didn't know where all this anger came from. All I know is that I had a lot of anger and I spent a lifetime getting rid of it. And there was always that disconnection in relationships. I didn't care about people. I did care about people.

but I didn't want people around me because I didn't understand them. They hurt me and I wanted to be left alone. So I was very disconnected. I've always had a few handful of friends that I truly trusted with my entire life, but most people just give them time and they will fail. And I used to have a friend, she's passed now, but she said, you know, I used to drive her crazy because she said, you always walk around that you're...

Somebody's going, can't live up to your expectations. And the fact that I also told her, she knew that she knew I was waiting for the shoe to drop. She knew I didn't trust her and she was right. I had every reason not to trust her. She actually did it. It took her lot of years to do it, but you know what? She did, she failed me.

It's no big deal. I didn't fail her. What the real reason was in that relationship is when I finally asked her why, she said,

Excuse me. The only person that I know, she says you jump off a cliff every single time you traumatize me when you do that. And yet you stick come back up and you're, me, flying high.

And that bothered her because she couldn't jump off the cliff enough.

because she was that terrified. And yet I did it to prove that there's nothing to be afraid of. It was her stuff, it wasn't mine. But when she told me that that day on the phone, I just sat there with my mouth wiped open. I didn't even know what to say to that. I said, this has nothing to do with me. And she's like, no, it's all about me. And I can't be around it anymore because it's too much. And I didn't understand that yet.

I do now a little bit more, but since she's passed and I can't talk to her that way, it's all okay.

But I think the one that was the most painful for me is when no one thinks to support me or a woman who looks like she doesn't need it. I needed support more than anybody could ever know. And I needed it so badly and so desperately. And that's why I always said that I was the rock of Gibraltar. And if the rock of Gibraltar is falling on the people that were hanging on to me, then they were definitely dead.

or soon to be dead because they're down at the bottom holding on for dear life. And that was the thing that got me the most. And I remember I learned to start asking for help and everybody and I had a partner once and I asked him, said, I am specifically asking you for help. Why are you not helping? He says, because you're so capable, you can do it on your own. And I said, do you ever friggin think that for five minutes that if I'm asking for help, I actually need help?

Does that ever register with you? That was how angry I was. That's how frustrated I was because when he was suffering, I let him suffer. And then he would get mad at me about, why aren't you helping? And I said, because you have a mouth. And if you need help, then you need to ask for it. I'm not gonna come and rescue you. And what I've discovered is most people want to suffer. So I figured that's what you wanted.

That's when our relationship started to change because I was teaching him that if I'm asking for help, it's because I needed it. But it was still, but the damage was already happening. It was already happening as far as walking away because.

You you live with somebody, you know who they are, but it didn't matter. So it was OK. So I suffered in silence. I was always suffering in silence. It never stopped and I didn't even I couldn't even put the words of suffering in silence. I just knew what I felt. It always felt like there was something on the inside that was just in a knot that I could not unravel or even.

why it was there.

So healing isn't about becoming less capable, it's about becoming safe enough to be seen.

Notice where you over function automatically. And this is literally, you have to step out of yourself and sit on the stage and watch you play out your life. When I always say get off the stage and observe your life, this is what I did starting in 2008. Not the easiest thing to do, but it was I started to do it to observe where I was going.

And then I started to let one small thing stay undone. I lived in a 600 square foot apartment. One thing out of place, the whole house looked disarrayed. Guess what I did? I didn't always put things away. I dealt with it. I used to always be neat and tidy on my desk, you know, so I always had a clean workspace. I don't know how I did that because now it's like it got crap everywhere and I hate it, but I also laugh at it because

I don't have to be perfect anymore. I know what the piles are, I know why the piles are there, and when I get to it, I get through it then I have a clean desk again. So I've learned to just go with the flow, go with my rhythm. And then tell the truth once this week when someone asks how you are. My famous last words is I'm fine. No, really I'm fine. Everything's peachy keen. Or if I said everything's peachy keen, I know what that meant.

Life is beating me up, but you don't want to drag people down.

So when people say, you doing? I said, well, I'm a little irritable now. I said, I'm doing okay, but I'm still a little irritable. And they don't know how to respond to that because everybody's so used to somebody saying, well, I'm fine, everything's good. How are you doing? Get it off of me, put it back on them. I don't do that. And I'm watching the strangest reactions because it's like, well, you're being negative. And it's like, no, I'm telling the truth. You asked how I'm doing, I'm gonna tell you how I'm doing.

Because when you do that, it shocks people because we are so patterned and conditioned of I'm fine, everything's fine, get off of me and let's just get straight to business or whatever it is we do. Because we don't know how to make that emotional connection anymore.

So I don't have any polished answers of I'm fine anymore. Or I don't say, I don't think I've said I'm peachy keen anymore. I think I gave that up when I left the workforce because that was the only thing I knew to say because fine didn't work for it because we were all crazy in the workplace. So now I'm showing you who I really am. And I'm telling you how I'm really doing. And even though in my own mind, it's negative in my mind.

I'm not, telling the truth and it's vulnerability. And then it's like, well, you're being negative and you're that, and then there's this new spiral that I'm having to learn to stop and control. And I know part of this, this detox is bringing a whole new level of everything up into my face. But you know what? We breathe through it. We sit through it. We navigate it. We go for a walk in nature, hug a tree, whatever it is that you need to do to get yourself back into a place that you feel safe.

because safety is built in micro moments of honesty. And you don't have to collapse to be supported. You just have to stop pretending you're not tired. So I do that. I talk to people like that. This Alive program community that I'm in, I love this community so much because we're so real.

I mean, these are really strong, dynamic, powerful people inside this community. And you know what we talk about? I don't have the capacity right now. I don't know what it is. I'm battling with this. I'm doing this. But they're moving forward. They're still living their dream, pushing towards their dream as they're fighting through their own stuff. That is what true power is. That's what true greatness is made of. That people see your struggle, but you're still moving. You're still happy. You're still letting people in.

You're still, how can I help you? But not in a way to get it off of you, but because if you help, it helps you and vice versa. It's one of the most supported groups I have ever, ever, ever been in. And I went in there very reluctantly too. And even though I know Courtney and she's a friend of mine, it still scared me to death. And people, you have been watching me come out. You have been seeing all of this. And yet here I am.

still pushing through. Because it was a lifetime that I built this persona that I showed the world. And it's dropping fast, it's so fast right now and I know that's part of the nervous system because I'm moving fast. But part of it is is that I want to move fast and part of it is it's time. I'm feeling better, I'm feeling safe enough to let it go and all this is doing is showing me

the years upon years upon years of an overactive nervous system. So the detox is just doing it because the doctor said, God, something's really going on inside of you for you to be this over the edge. And I said, you think? Because I know it is. And then when I was talking and saying, this is what I'm thinking, like my body doesn't trust me, like I have to learn it, it wants to let go, but it's terrified. So that's what I'm thinking.

So it was like, what else can I do to support my body?

And he said, do the L-Lysine because it's gonna help. It's an amino acid that's gonna help calm you down. Because I used it when my blood pressure was high and it calmed me down and my blood pressure came back to normal because of it. So it was like cool beans. So I took a quarter teaspoon and it was like, whew, instant level out. Not tired, not anything, just level. Like I'm coming back into peace in my body. Like my nervous system isn't like.

shaking all over the place.

So if this is you, you're not broken. You've adapted so beautifully, but you don't have to live armored anymore. Take it off. Just take it off and breathe. You can be strong and supported, and you can be capable and cared for. You can be respected and rested.

If this episode felt like something you could finally name what you have been carrying, then share it with another strong woman who no one checks in on. And if you're ready to start feeling safe inside your own life again, then join my free community on school.com forward slash I am the light sanctuary forward slash about. It's not about doing less. It's about no longer surviving.

your own success. The community is free to join. Feel free to like and subscribe to the channel. I really appreciate your time and listening. And I'd love to hear any feedback, any comments. I'm here for you and I will see all of you next Tuesday at 4 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.