Why Rest Feels Impossible And How to Finally Heal the “Earn Rest” Wound

Kathleen Flanagan (00:01)
Today I wanna talk about a 10 minute daily practice to reclaim the person you were before the world told you to change. And we're going to focus on one very specific reason this practice is so hard for so many high achieving women, guilt around rest.

Have you ever tried to rest and felt guilty the entire time?

Rest triggers anxiety, the urge to be productive and the fear that slowing down means falling apart. This isn't a discipline problem, it's a safety issue. So what I wanna do is I wanna reframe and reset the nervous system issue because it's really not a mindset flaw. And a lot of times we think that's what's going on with us when it's really not.

I apologize, trying to get organized.

So.

Many high achieving women, self included, because I was very much a part of that environment at one time. you know, a lot of times we say menopause, we start going through paramenopause and we give excuses of why we're not resting or we're not sleeping good or waking up in the middle of the night. And that's not the case. The case is not about what all's going on in our bodies. Yes, there are some issues that can be around the body, but on overall,

It's a survival mode technique. I know that when I used to go on vacation, it took me like two weeks to just like start to calm down. And then I come back in a pile of work and then I had to rearrange myself once again about how to come out and relearn how to relax again in the work environment. And that's what I want to talk about today is because I didn't know

back then, as most people don't know that they're in survival mode. We all have PTSD. If you want to believe it or not, we do, because if we saw something as a child that we didn't understand, it did something to our nervous system. And our nervous system is what really regulates who we are, what we think, where we're going. And if we've got a lot of negative thoughts inside, that's triggering the nervous system, which then puts you in a fight.

or flight, fight or flight scenario. Someday I might learn how to talk. And that's what happens. So when we're in that, there's an anxiety. I mean, we automatically tense up. And even if our shoulders aren't sitting up here, they are sitting up here. And I remember when I was 18 years old, when I graduated high school, there was a picture of me and I literally

was standing there with my shoulders all the way up to my ears. And I didn't even notice that. I didn't know I was doing that until I saw that picture. Somehow I managed to get my shoulders to drop. I can't tell you how I got my shoulders to drop. I just know that I did. And maybe part of it was that my father came out for my graduation and I was terrified. I was absolutely terrified that I was gonna be in a hotel room with that man. I could not tell you at that point why I felt that.

And my father knew it. Because he told me, he says, you're terrified to be around me. And it's like, yeah, just a little bit. And it was only because somewhere in my unconscious part of my mind, I remembered a lot of things. Now, I didn't recall them at that point, because when we go into stress or trauma, we decide. If we're going to.

remember that. And it was so traumatic, the things that my father had done. And believe me, I'm remembering more things and it's not fun to remember some of this stuff. But he, some of the things he did that were so incredibly disturbing. And there was a one time where he did something and I was terrified. And what was the worst part of that was that my whole family was pretty much in the room and nobody did anything to protect me.

My mother didn't stop it. My siblings I knew couldn't stop them. And I remember my sister and I talked about this once and she said, yeah, I walked in the room and it was incredibly disturbing. said, you should have been on my end.

It was that bad. And somehow I block that. But I remember because I always remember the high school picture because I had a rug burn right here on the side of my face. So when I had my high school pictures taken, that rug burn was there. Now they took it out on the final picture, but it was still there. And so I still have those 18 year old pictures of me with that.

And even though I put the mask on that I'm fine, everything's good, I know deep down inside I was not good. And so that's one of the things is that I had to learn how to protect myself. That's how I felt is I have to protect myself against this man and against anyone because my greatest fear in life was rape. And I don't even know why I thought that, but I was definitely terrified of rape. Well, now that I remember everything about my father, it's like, get it. So, you know, that's the thing.

And so one of the things is our body doesn't resist rest because we're lazy. It resists rest because rest felt unsafe. Okay, so if you're a victim of any kind of abuse, and I was because when I was sleeping, my parents used to come in and beat me and do all sorts of things. There were things that happened. I don't remember all of it, thank God, but I know enough that feeling.

not feeling safe as a child, I didn't want to sleep. And so something inside of me triggered that as well. Now I still scream when somebody comes up from behind or somewhere, or they do something that I'm not expecting, I will scream bloody murder. I still do that as a natural reaction to protect myself.

That will probably never change because that is incredibly ingrained in my mind. But, you know, what I want to do is that we took worth as what we're putting out in the world and safety equaled usefulness because I know that I have battled unworthiness my whole life. Like I didn't deserve anything. I heard that my whole life with my family as I was growing up.

I didn't think, you know, how dare you want to take dance lessons when there's all these mouths to feed? And I'm like, I'm like eight, 10, 12 years old. I'm like, I don't know what she's talking about, but Kelly got to dance. Why can't I? So that's those were the things. I mean, the programming that happens as children, we start internalizing those in such a way that it creates. Like that sense of I don't matter.

If you get it beat, because you know, my generation, God knows we all got beat. ⁓ It creates that feeling that we're not safe. And then if I can't sleep, then it would make sense that why I couldn't sleep. And maybe that's why even just a couple of nights ago, I had a terror dream where I was counting money in my dream and I'm in an airport and this guy comes up, puts his arm around me. And I literally screamed out loud that Sal actually had to get me to stop and know that he was there.

because I was screaming, that was still there. And I'm like, what the hell? And why is this coming up? And I can't tell you, because a man could have very easily taken the money in my hand if he wanted to, but no, he wanted something more. And I'm screaming out, help, and people are in the airport and they're watching, but they're not doing anything. That's pretty much how I always felt as a child. Nobody was there to help me or protect me, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

So when you start going back to the origin of being traumatized, it's not that I want you to relive it because I don't. I don't want you to feel that. But you need to just be fine. You've got to find that little girl inside and give her love and tell her you're here to protect her because she's the one still running your life.

That little girl or that little boy is still sitting there going safety, safety, safety. And people can say it's the ego all they want to. That ego is you. That's your little child. That's the inner child that was so badly wounded as a child. And so what she really or he needs is unconditional love. And I remember I was talking to a friend of mine one day and we were talking about me getting out and getting on stage. And I don't have an issue being in front of people. I don't have an issue being on stage. I had an issue.

about leaving my house. And I remember, cause she's like, all these people are out there on your front door. She's doing this great visualization. They're on your front lawn. They're encouraging you to come out. Cause I got the door open, but I couldn't walk out. And she said, why? I said, because, and I could literally see this little girl holding my hand and saying, I'm not ready yet. And I simply said, I'm not ready yet. She's not ready to come out in the world. I may be as an adult,

but this little girl was still traumatized and I still needed to deal with that and so I did. And it was such a good thing to do. So the other thing that I never did is I never gave myself credit for things that I've accomplished in my life and I'm a very accomplished woman. And I never gave myself any credit. didn't appreciate that. I didn't praise myself. I didn't celebrate. It was always on to the next.

And that was something about two years ago is when I realized I think I hit number one bestseller or something. think it was the second on the second book or I got an award and I actually stopped and took that in and talk about a game changer because I never felt that before.

I didn't know what it was like, but it was like it helped to build the worthiness inside of me that people like my, they like my books, they're reading my books, I'm winning awards, I've got a best seller, hello. So that was the other thing. I mean, most people don't even know and I'm starting to tell people I can charter up to a 40 foot sailboat, okay? I know how to do that. I actually have a certificate to do that. Does anybody know that? No, they do now, because I'm starting to tell them.

I'm also a ballroom dancer and I've won championships. Hello. I was told by a ballroom, a world-class ballroom dancer when I was taking like a special class with him, you know, coaching. And he said, you know, you could be, you have everything to be a world-class champion in your category. You just don't have the confidence and believe in that. And he was absolutely right.

He was absolutely right on that. I didn't have confidence in myself and I didn't believe it. you know, so I, mean, it was a clear, was like a little, you know, tap on the head, like wake up lady.

And the other one is chaos where being used was was being useful that also prevented harm. So as long as you kept your life chaotic, which I did a lot of times, I was always running 100 miles an hour and I never had a pattern. That was the other thing, because I figured if if somebody had knew my schedule, something could happen to me. Now, I've heard that when I lived in Florida that a rapist will always follow and

see what your patterns are. I never had a pattern. I never had a pattern. And so I kept it that way and kept everybody always guessing because that was the only way I knew how to stay safe. And I adapted all of these. I mean, you can adapt all of these patterns, all of these things to work out because everything worked for me the way I was living until they stopped. And once they stopped working is when I had to go deeper.

So you're not broken, you were just trying to survive. I was trying to survive. I didn't even know I was trying to survive, but I do remember always saying, I just wanna go home. And then the little voice in my head would say, but you are home. And it's like, no, I'm not home. I didn't know what home meant, but I remember telling myself that when I was in my 20s and 30s, and I'm like, but...

What do you mean? I'm like, I'm not from here. And that's all I kept saying is I'm not from here. I don't belong here. I'm a fish out of water. I was a stranger in a strange land. And I read that book, Stranger in a Strange Land, and I identified with every word in that book.

So the mindset doesn't alone doesn't work because we have to release the shame around not being able to relax. And believe me, we think things like that. Even if you're not consciously aware, you are thinking that because you can't relax. I didn't, I was always on an adrenaline rush and I didn't mind it because it kept me thin. I mean, I mean, my metabolism was so high. Well, part of it was because I was constantly, constantly, constantly moving.

I mean, for me to sit still, that was a no can do. I can do it now, but I couldn't do it then.

So the body relaxes through sensation and not logic. And I created a meditation to go along with this. And I also have a seven step blueprint that I put together. that will, the blueprint will be in the show notes and the meditation will be in the school community if you're interested. But it was, it had to come back because we think every, cause I thought everything was up here. I figured if I could stay up here, I'd be fine.

No, I had to get into my heart and that was really hard because then I'd have to feel everything and I didn't want to feel everything because then I thought I would fall apart and break.

So even though I was saying all the right affirmations, it was like, this is all BS because nothing's working. Well, it wasn't working because I wasn't in my heart. I was in my head. And we live in a society right now that we are always in our head and not our hearts. And that is what has to change. And that's what a lot of people are trying to do now is get back into the heart, get back and make that connection. Because social media is not connection. AI is not your friend.

AI is an artificial intelligence. And I know that there are people out there that that has become their new best friend because the way they're talking to it is it's almost frightening. And there's a lot of things that we, mean, AI is good. And then there's a dark side to AI as well. And you need to stay in your heart to understand the difference of what that is because AI is not a friend. It's an artificial intelligence that is programmed

to answer based on the questions you give it. And I'm seeing that more and more because I did some interesting testing with AI today and it was almost frightening, but it was also empowering at the same time.

So here's a truth. You can't think your way into rest. You have to feel your way into safety. And I know that sometimes right now off and on my mind is going 100 miles an hour when I go to bed and I don't think about sleeping. I just go into deep breathing. I have a little ritual I do every night where I'm

grateful for the day, say my gratitude, and then I am the father of one. And that's usually what takes me down to where I can go to sleep. And when I'm out, I'm out, and then I wake up like seven, eight hours later and I'm loving it. So that makes a big difference because I don't think a lot of people really understand that.

So here's a little bit of the protocol on this is in the protocols that you're gonna download is we're gonna name that wound. We're gonna identify the rule that you gave it, because this is all about you. Then there's going to be a signal safety to your body. You're gonna choose a neutral rest, will be in that protocol.

decouple worth from output because that's a big one. And that was a big one for me that when I finally did that, I felt this freedom and this relaxation and this, my God, kind of feeling. when you can do that, that's when you know that you're starting to step back into the true essence of you. You're gonna create a rest container and there's also a 30 second rest.

reset for when something comes in and you just automatically go back into autopilot. This is a way to get you to go there. And this is a guidance and you don't have to do it perfectly. It's going to be strictly for you in how you operate, how you see things. You don't have to journal if you don't want to. You don't have to do anything. It's just a way to get your nervous system to come back into homeostasis.

Because what I'm finding that the more my nervous system calms down, the calmer and happier and easier life is getting like. I'm allowing things to come to me instead of making things come to me. I've been talking about this for the last several years and I'm telling you, the more I do this, the more I see things coming and changing and the easier and easier it gets. Now don't get me wrong, I still go up here. I still get triggered.

but I can get out of it faster. I'm not sitting there mumbling like, and Sal will tell you, I'm a big mumbler. When somebody does something and it's like, why are they doing that? What's going on? And he's like, just God bless, God bless, God bless. Let it go. Just let it go. I'm learning how to do that now. And I was never, I would go for days or weeks or months on.

something somebody did and I would hold on to it and hold on to it and I would analyze the hell out of it inside out upside down back and forth you name it 20 times before I could ever let something go until I could find that I was okay within it because I was always looking to be okay because whatever that was I wasn't okay.

And it's time to like be OK with you no matter what. No matter what.

So the reason that I put this together was that I wanted you to feel rest and not just understand it. That's what the meditation is about. It's about really feeling rest and how to get yourself there where you reconnect with you through your heart and you feel your stomach because there's a point where I'm going to ask you to put your hand on your heart and on your belly if you're comfortable.

and just feel your energy because a lot of times we don't, we feel ourselves crazy, but we don't feel ourselves in a gentle, loving way. And when you do that, you're calming your nervous system down. It's like you're starting to hug yourself and you're starting to breathe because you feel you, you feel how you're pulsating. And that's what I really liked about that. And you're going to take a longer exhale than an inhale.

because it's in the exhale where you're just let it go, just let it all go. And there's nothing that is required of you in that moment. Nothing. It's just you with you and feeling peace and relaxation.

And that's what the whole purpose of what I'm doing on this blueprint of guilt free rest.

Because how many times did I want to lay down in the middle of the afternoon? It like, no, I don't deserve to do that. No, I can't, I got too much to do. And if I would have just stopped and rested, because occasionally I would do it because I was so physically exhausted, I felt like a million bucks. But I also felt guilty when I got up. I felt like a million bucks, but I still felt guilty because I should have done something else. I never gave myself permission to rest. And I had a business partner.

And he did it all the time. He took naps all the time. And I just thought he was a slacker. He wasn't, and I understood what he was doing, and he was right, and he's trying to show me to do this. But in my mind, slacker. Anybody that took a nap in the middle of the day was a slacker. I mean, that's how harsh I was, because that's what I thought of myself. So I was projecting out, so I didn't have to look at myself being the slacker.

So yeah, mean, really people, this is really important stuff to understand.

So rest is not a reward, it's regulation. There's so much science out there about how rest does so many good things for our body. And I know that when I get a deep sound sleep and I'm getting more and more regularly, because I said I started this new type of diet under doctor supervision to get rid of the inflammation, get my body, get rid of the parasites and everything else.

And in one week, I've already lost three pounds in one week and I'm like, whoa. So I'm excited. I mean, I don't see it, but I feel it and the scale says it. But the whole point is, that when I go to sleep, it's a good sound sleep. It's like when I finally, when my mind shuts down, I don't wake up until seven o'clock in the morning.

That's huge for me because I have always been one to wake up in the middle of the night several times or wake up at three o'clock going, okay, what do you want from me? Because I always figured it was a message from spirit. Part of it was, part of it wasn't.

But feeling that I'm sleeping, there's no more brain fog going on. I'm feeling healthy, I'm feeling full, you know, because I was thinking this was gonna be hard and it's not. I mean, when they said you're not gonna be hungry on this diet, they're not kidding. I mean, I'm eating what I normally eat anyways, just less of it. And there's absolutely no dairy in my diet at all. Absolutely none.

And so I'm eating foods that I haven't eaten because they're technically toxic for my body. And I'm eating them because, know, I'm only allowed to eat certain types of food for a little while. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to honor this and I'm not having any reaction. So I'm trusting myself. So that's about also trust yourself on this. You learn to survive by being useful and you heal by being supported and you are allowed to rest without guilt.

And that's important because the moment I felt supported is when I felt like I was able to start healing because it was always just me. I trusted no one. I only trusted me. I trusted the animals. I expected the angels. And I expected more out of my animals than a human being. And I was actually told that. And I said, well, you're absolutely right, because an animal cares about you where people don't.

And that was how I felt. And that was 20 years ago. I said all this stuff out loud. And I knew that was not the right thing to say, but it was how I felt. And I know that I'm not the only one that ever thought that. I'm not the only one that ever felt that way. I know there's a lot of people out there that are struggling and that they're trying to find their way. And they just can't because they can't trust anyone. But the thing is, is you have to want to do this more than you want to stay in your pain.

So I'm going to suggest that you download the protocol, the seven step blueprint that I put in the show notes. And if you're getting any value out of that, feel free to go into the meditation, which will be on my school platform in my community at I Am The Light Sanctuary, and it will be up there as well. So that way you can take this one step further. This is completely free to you. This is completely free.

because I think until we can start resting and relaxing, nothing's going to change. And I keep going deeper. And what is it that I needed that I didn't receive that I want to deliver to give to you guys? You know, return to this. You always want to return to this when you feel like you need rest, because your body will forget until you train it. You have to rewire.

all the neurotransmitters in your brain. It's like what the bleep. There's a lot of truth in that. The more you put more positive in, less you have to, the less or the easier it gets to where there's a point where it will come that it doesn't even exist in your consciousness anymore, that you start overriding, but see, you have to make that step and only you can make that step. And I'm here to help you navigate through this because

Chaos is here, people, and it's not going to get easier this year. It's going to get more and more challenging. And I want to be here to help support you through this, help you navigate through this, because this is the time that the Earth is changing. We are evolving. We are ascending and there is no getting out of it. We are here. And it's this year within the next two years we are going to see massive, massive, massive changes in our planet. If you've got any value out of this, I would really love it if you'd like to

like and subscribe to the channel. You can give the link to a friend if it's somebody you know who really needs to hear this, then please give them the link. You are welcome to join me at my community. I am the Light Sanctuary. It is a place for people to be able to know that they are safe. They can speak the way they need to speak. There is not going to be any harm in there and you will be supported. And that support makes all the difference in the world in your growth.

I wanna thank you all for joining me today. I do appreciate your time because I know how valuable time is, cause I know how crazy my life is some days and I make a lot of time to do this. I do a lot of prep work for you. I think about what is going on in the world to help you navigate at the same time. And then what tools did I use to get me where I am to help give them back to you to bridge the change.

So I will see all of you next Tuesday at 4 p.m. Eastern Standard Time and from my heart to yours, I hope you have a fabulous week.