When Death Feels Safer Than Leaving

Kathleen Flanagan (00:02)
Hello everyone and welcome to the journey of an awakening spirit. This is Kathleen Flanagan and I'm your host. And today we have Courtney Widener with us and she is a connector and life catalyst and the founder of Aligned and Alive, the Alive Revolution. A movement dedicated to helping people awaken from survival and return to lives rooted in self love, truth and aliveness.

Her work emerged from her own profound awakening after leaving a deeply toxic marriage where she was forced to confront the cost of self-abandonment and choose freedom, even when it felt terrifying. Today, Courtney guides others through the quiet, courageous work of listening to themselves, rebuilding trust with their inner world and creating lives that feel safe, aligned, and fully alive. She believes awakening doesn't happen through force or fixing.

but through connection, honesty, and the willingness to choose ourselves first. Welcome Courtney.

Courtney Weidner (01:04)
Thank you, Kathleen. Thank you. Thank you for having me on this show. This is awesome. Thank you.

Kathleen Flanagan (01:09)
Yep, I'm just

excited because just so all you know, Courtney, let me read what we're going to have a conversation about today, which was pretty profound. And I want Courtney to share that story. And this is part of her journey of becoming an awakening spirit. So I'm going to turn it over to you, Courtney, and we will go from there.

Courtney Weidner (01:32)
Thank you, Kathleen. ⁓ Yeah, so this is the story that I've never wanted to tell. I think most people have one of those stories. ⁓ And I think the hardest things that we go through in life are probably the most profound that teach us the most, right? And this part of my life is no exception. ⁓ I was 17 years old, fiercely independent, was ready to...

be the grown-up that I was and was ready to do life and I met someone that I was instantly very attracted to and pulled to at age 17 and the summer before my senior year in high school after knowing this person one month I decided that I was going to run away from home and go live with this man.

Fast forward a week after my 18th birthday, I married him completely against my mother's wishes. ⁓ She was not happy about this union at all, but I was determined. I was in love and this was it, right?

And from the very beginning of that marriage, it was incredibly toxic. There were a whole lot of lies that I believed in the very beginning, found out they were lies, still stayed. And at that age, I can attribute it to my age and say I was young and I didn't know what I was getting myself into. ⁓ But I very quickly became... ⁓

victim to someone who used anger and manipulation to get their way. And the relationship started as an open one. Now this was before the idea of poly relationships was really mainstream. And back in the day, it was just people that liked to go out partying on the weekends and sleep with other married couples. That's what it was. And...

There was a whole lot of things that I did in that relationship that I wholly regret as I wrote in the chapter. By the way, this chapter that I wrote is gonna be in a book published next year called Rise. This is a story about women and the stories and the things they've overcome in their life, the challenges and the things that they've broken through.

And in this story, I explain that I did a lot of things that went against my soul. And I knew it at the time.

And when you're in a relationship where someone doesn't take no for an answer.

And when your voice is met with anger and punishment, ⁓ force, I learned to shut up real quick.

Just doing whatever he wanted was better than to try to say, no, I don't want to go out this weekend. I just want to have a quiet night at home. I'm tired. We partied. did ridiculous amounts of drugs and alcohol on the weekends. And it was like it took days to recover. And then it happened all over again. And it was awful. I should have died many times just from that alone. And, ⁓

So what had happened was I started a journal.

in 2003 and I started documenting some things. We were starting a new business and I wanted to kind of document how life was going.

And I didn't write in that journal very much. wrote in it, I mean, it's very broken and then there were some entries and gaps, know, and more entries and stuff. And then I found that journal, I had lost it. I quit writing in it for the longest time. And when I found the journal, cleaning the house one day while he was out of town, and I thought, oh, I remember this. Oh, let me just kind of sit down here and take a trip down memory lane, you know? What did I write about?

and my entire universe crashed that day.

The words that I read and the person that wrote those words three years prior.

I was a shell of that woman at that point.

miserable. Kathleen? ⁓

I lived to try to make that man happy. The rage fits that I experienced every day. The name calling, the belittling, the are you deaf dumb or stupid. Anytime I did something that he didn't like, I didn't understand something.

It was awful.

So the title of my chapter is Why Doesn't She Leave?

I want women to know that when you're in a relationship like that, with someone that rages on you behind closed doors, but out in the public eye, they're just this loving, doting husband that is nice and does things for you.

You're not crazy.

Life is that crazy. He is two people. The one that everyone else sees and the one that you know he is.

and

The scary part for me was I knew how bad it was when he got mad at me for something that I did. And I internalized it all, Kathleen. I didn't know how to understand that it's like, I'm not responsible for somebody else's anger. Like I'm not, nobody is, no one is. And if I did things that annoyed him or whatever, you know, it was like, I walked on eggshells every day to try to not trigger that wrath of that.

Didn't work. Happened anyway.

I was literally just the punching bag, essentially, for all of whatever in the hell he had going on.

And so when you know how bad it is when you just try to say no or say, don't want to do that.

The idea of what could happen if I left, paralyzed me for years. I couldn't see how, how in the hell can I get out of this unscathed? The threat and the fear of how he could destroy my life. I had a business, like I had things, you I had a reputation. I...

I had things going on for me and he could have destroyed that. Could have destroyed me. And he already had, like, I mean, it was already, I was, I was a shell of a person. I had to, didn't have low self-esteem. had no self-esteem. And I didn't think that I would be able to handle it. And that fear crippled me. And that's how I think a lot of women just get so stuck in abusive relationships because they're like,

Leaving the idea of a divorce will be a fucking nightmare. I know that I can do this one more day in this crazy ass house and with this crazy rage and anger and all of this stuff. I can do this one more day. Divorced and leaving. don't, I can't handle that.

And so as I'm sitting there on my bedroom floor and I am like crying for hours because these things that I'm reading and I actually flagged some pages, like if we want to hear the words ⁓ of a girl thinking that she can fix it all and it's all my fault. And.

The other piece about this that I can look back on and kind of laugh at that girl now, she was so proud, Kathleen and loyal. I married this man divorces for pussies. Like people work things out. People just get divorced. They just give up. They don't work things out. And then I had like this badge on my chest because, and I used to say, it takes a special kind of woman to love a man like that.

for those people that knew the anger side of him. And I made it like I was some big shit woman. Like I could handle it. I can handle him. So, you know, go me some kind of weird twisted codependent ego trip. I don't know. It was, it's sick now. When I look back at it and I'm like, girl, yes, I was strong to be enduring all of that, but that is not a sign of strength to tolerate abusive behavior and accept that as just because, well, I made this decision.

I don't want my mom to be wrong. I'm going to prove her. I want to prove that I'm right and I can do this.

And it almost killed me. Because at the end, I mean, by the time I found that journal, I had already received confirmation and had confirmation that he was cheating on me outside of the parameters of our open agreement of how we did things with couples out there in the world. He wasn't abiding by that. And that wasn't even enough to get me to leave when I found out about that a few months prior.

It's how crazy I was. Crazy thinking that I could make this work or that I could make him happy or whatever. My reality, I was not insane to think that this is fucked up. It is fucked up. Like, I'm not the crazy one he is. Like, but that's what they do.

They manipulate this shit out of you and being the impressionable young woman that I was and I just wanted to feel love so much, Kathleen. You know love is my thing and like...

I was desperate to receive it and I was trying to do anything to make that man happy. When he was happy, I was happy. I could breathe. I could live. God, he's not raging right now. Thank God. And so I read that journal and I crumbled and I called a couple friends and I'm like, I'm letting you know that I'm leaving him when he gets home because you're going to be the first people he calls.

And so I teed up the tree and I packed my bag and I waited for him to get home. Don't ask me why I didn't leave before. I sometimes think about that and I'm like, why the fuck didn't I just leave? Like what the what I wanted the confrontation. I really don't remember the logic behind that. I really don't. But he got home and I told him I was leaving and I knew there was going to be some big drama production and.

Sure enough, he goes straight for the gun. I wasn't expecting that. And when you have a man standing there just raging and pacing and like doing just flailing shit around and threatening that if I walk out of that door, I'm never going to see him again.

gone at the temple like threatening me to stay.

And I sat there and I looked at him and I'm like.

And I turned around and I walked out of the house. And I don't know how the fuck I did that because I was like not in my body at that point, like, but it was moving. The meat suit was walking out of the house, girl. And I honestly thought he was gonna, I was gonna hear that gun go off and either he was gonna be shooting me in the back or he was gonna be blowing his own brains out. and I,

It was so bad at the end, Kathleen. Like I really, I thought about death more than leaving. Cause that would have been so much easier and cleaner, quick.

And it's bad when a woman starts thinking that that's the best option for her. Like, god damn.

So I somehow made it out of that house and I called my mom and I said, can I come stay with you for a while?

And of course I could. And I'm so fucking grateful for my mom. Cause I know, and I talk about this in my chapter, there's a lot of women out there that have circumstances way beyond what I had. I didn't have children with this man. I controlled the money. I'm the one that always made sure all the bills were paid and worked three jobs when I had to, to make sure everything was covered. And I had a place to go the whole time. And I still stayed.

So know that doesn't make sense to some people that might see a friend that's in a relationship and they're like, damn, why are they with that person? I know why.

And it's not anything that anyone can crack them out of. They have to see it. They have to hit a bottom with it. They have to know that the rest of their life is meant for them. And this ain't it. This ain't it. When I left, it didn't matter if I didn't have my mom. Like I was so fucking done. I was going to live under a fucking bridge to not be around him anymore. Like I was done.

and all of the threats, the harassment. I had to tell my parents, if you ever receive an email from him, don't you dare open it. Don't. He was threatening to send pictures and videos of me with other people. Like he was threatening the most awful things. Thank God we didn't have Facebook back then. Like it was a nightmare. And I had to trust and believe that I was going to be okay.

and that I could handle whatever in the fuck he threw at me. If I could live through this, I can do anything.

And it's true for all women that feel that stuck in that trapped, they can get the fuck out. And I know it feels impossible and the how and all of that. But when a woman hits that point of being done, there is nothing that will get her to say. There was no amount of begging and crying and all of the things that he pulled every thing, every trick, every out, everything he could to try to put me back in. None of it worked.

I was ready for the rest of my life at that point.

My lessons didn't end though because I went from marrying a really angry addict to a happy one.

and so codependent, I wasn't single for long.

And I instantly got, cause I'm looking for love girl. ⁓ Ladies, when you get out of a toxic relationship like that, I'm just going to tell you the second one that comes along, they're going to hit a whole lot of boxes and you're to get a whole lot of dopamine and you're going to feel so much love. Proceed with caution.

I can't knock it. can't knock people that do that because obviously as you know, Ben and I are still, we're married and it's 18 years later. So, but I have learned my lessons of codependency through this relationship because it was the safe one. And it was with a partner who was willing to grow with me. And we have evolved many, many times in the last 18 years. And, uh,

The awakening process is messy. And all the feels during it. All the lows and all the highs and learning how to trust myself, trust my own judgment.

listening to my intuition like my gosh like that that coming out of that and knowing how many times i acted against myself and my insides are screaming at me don't do this you don't want this yeah well i don't want the shit storm either so that's worse than this let's just drink more and do more drugs and we'll be fine

It's awful.

And. ⁓

I want women to know that they can do this. They can.

Kathleen Flanagan (19:39)
Well, and there's another thing too, is you created your life the way you chose it. We all like to think we're victims of our life. And I was one of those that walked around that I would never do this to myself, literally. I mean, I was the drama queen of drama, of I would never do this to myself. And last year when I sat on my couch in my family room and it dropped,

and I saw my entire life what I created. I chose every bit of this. And when you can own that and it's painful. Now it wasn't painful when I did it because I was in such a different place. But when I look back at all of that and what you went through, because as I read your chapter, I was just

my God, I mean, I was reliving my life too. Maybe not with that type of a circumstance, but I did have a lot of those things happen to me in other ways. And pain and suffering is pain and suffering. It doesn't matter. It doesn't care what the tag is. It's pain and suffering. And we understand that.

and feeling immobilized and terrified and scared to leave because you don't know the repercussions. And I was under, I was in a relationship just like that, very similar. And, but this guy was evil and put a spell on me on top of it. So not only could I get, not get away, I was under a demonic spell and I got out of it. Okay. So I know that you guys don't even know this side of me at all.

but I know about demonic. I know how to deal with demonic. And demonic doesn't like me and what Courtney was in without her saying the words was demonic. Because somebody who's like that is demonic. Because they're not human. There's no sense of empathy or compassion. And for some reason, women like us who are codependent

who have been traumatized in our life because Courtney's lacking love. I'm sitting here having to raise my family because of the beating that I got and my mother wasn't there protecting us. We women do things like that because we're trying to take control. We're trying to take our power back and we don't even understand what even happened and why we think that way. But this is a normal natural reaction that we do.

So when we have to go back and experience this or relive it, or Courtney had to look at a journal because I wrote down with this guy and I wrote and the pain, my God, I ripped it up to shreds because the pain that I felt was so deeply intense that it was like, I don't ever want to remember this. And it was like, throw it away so I don't have to remember and just like bury it. But I still saw it.

And that's the thing is once you see it, it can't be unseen. And that's why you, you find your support system where it is and you support and hold up other women. Don't be, you know, this competitive crap that women do because of their jealousies. It's like, no, no woman deserves this from another woman because I've met some of the most beautiful females in my life that

Courtney Weidner (23:18)
Yeah, facts.

Kathleen Flanagan (23:23)
and they sit there and tell you about their life and your mouth just drops to the ground because you're like, okay, I get it for me, but you're drop dead gorgeous and men are after you. I mean, it doesn't matter. When women suffer, we suffer and we need to support each other. And so when I think about that is that Courtney took total responsibility for this and this is not an easy memory.

Courtney Weidner (23:33)
Cough

Kathleen Flanagan (23:51)
any more than when I dealt with my father's death at the beginning of the year. That was a whole new level of pain and suffering and remembering and anger and rage. And I weathered through it, but I had people to help me. You're never alone. And I think that's the biggest thing I want people to know is you're never alone. You only think you're alone because you have shame and you have nothing to be shameful for.

What Courtney went through, yeah, we've all been that. We were all stupid girls being in love for the first time. my God, we were the stupidest things on the planet. Okay, 16, 17 years old, give me a break, ladies.

Courtney Weidner (24:36)
girl, I'm older now than my mother was when I left home. Like, and so now I'm thinking about her and thinking about it, and just the shit I put her through. And I'm just like, my god, she wrote her eyes were rolling in her head so hard. And I get it now. Okay, I get it. I get it. But yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (24:54)
Right, because we think we know everything and then we get in toxic relationships because we are trying to learn. So we're gonna go rescue the man because if I fix him, then I get fixed. ⁓ God, is that messed up. But yet I live my way that I live like that. My ex-husband, I fix him. Every frigging man out there that needed fixing, I was that girl. And I found him hook, line and sinker. If you were a nice guy, no.

Courtney Weidner (25:09)
⁓ it's so messed up, I can't.

Kathleen Flanagan (25:22)
Yeah, we had nothing in common. Oh, and I remember when I started healing this in 2011 when I was told this and I was told you will one day walk away from every single man. You see that you're going to be running and you know what? I do. There is smoke on my heels, ladies, because you you know when you know, you know.

Courtney Weidner (25:24)
No? Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (25:46)
And I have this most incredible man in my life. Yes, we have our thing. We're still a couple. We still have things, but you know what? We keep working through it and we still love each other. And we're, moving into a new direction because we've had a, both of us have had a very challenging year and we've learned to navigate it and we've come back together. And it's such a beautiful thing. Cause you know, it's like what Courtney talks about with her marriage. Can you come back if you're committed? You can, but see,

I had to speak from my heart of this is where I'm at, this is what I'm feeling. I had to be open and honest and then allow him to do it instead of you're doing this and you're doing this and you're doing this. You you've got to look at those three fingers coming back and to do this kind of ugly, horrible work, and it is ugly, horrible work, but it's the most liberating work. It's the most freeing. And then when you see that that led you to where you are today,

because I've been watching Courtney since April of last year and she is blowing my frigging mind away. And she keeps going deeper and I know that pain.

Courtney Weidner (26:56)
Well, there's so, ⁓

my gosh. Well then, and so fast forward like to bring us to current December two years ago, the last podcast we did when that story started. So now the timeline's caught up. I'm on this road trip with my friend and.

I'm watching my friend crumble and she's angry and she's raging and she's having all these meltdowns and I'm like currently doing some inventory on who's in my life and I'm doing this workshop and who's in my room and I'm like my best friend is acting like my ex-husband.

what the fuck is going on? Like, and I'm sitting here questioning my friendship and I'm like, can I handle this? Like, what is, what is this? And I'm like, I'm zooming out, I'm getting like 30,000 feet and I'm like, wait a minute. I know who my friend is.

This is not normal behavior for her. I know she's having a mental crisis right now. She's, she's not feeling well and, she knows it and we know it. And I came here to support her and I knew this was going to be a rough trip and she's having a hard time. And I'm like, ⁓ compassion, compassion, compassion. And I'm like, I know who she is. I'm holding this space for her. She, you know, she's having a hard hell of a time.

What was he going through?

It was in that trip, that moment that I was able to make the connection and have all this compassion for my friend and turn it at him finally.

Kathleen Flanagan (28:28)
forgiveness, healing, the ultimate of healing and forgiving him and forgiving you because you didn't leave. You have to forgive you more than him because you didn't think you were worthy and deserving of anything more than that. And he convinced you.

Courtney Weidner (28:31)
Yeah.

Yeah.

that I would, yeah, there was nothing else out there for me. That was it. And the, the thing about that so mind blowing for me is it's like realizing the demons that he's carrying to be that way to the person that he's supposed to be protecting and honoring and loving and cherishing and all of that.

And I was the recipient of whatever his unadult pain, trauma, like all of that. And he could not fucking regulate. And now I have the tools to understand what he was probably going through. I wasn't there to heal that. That was not my space. He was there to teach me what I will never put up with again, how to hold boundaries, how to know what boundaries are. When I know somebody's mistreating me,

Objects like no get the fuck out like this is not acceptable and by having all of that bad experience I I give him credit for being the biggest teacher of my life because I learned so much about me in that awakening and how How strong I was however strong I really was How much I love myself to save myself from that

and not take the easy way out. I went the hard road and that's the way to go folks. Don't take the easy way out.

Kathleen Flanagan (30:18)
Well, and I think so many

of us have gone through this and there's not a lot of people who talk about this because this is the ugly, painful truth. My story of what my parents did to me was the story that I was never gonna tell either. And yet what did I do? I wrote it in a chapter and I cried and I cried and I cried. But you know, aside from all of that,

it was people are going to finally understand me because I didn't share that story. It's like, why are you so angry? Why this? And I'm thinking, if you had the frigging life that I did, you probably wouldn't even be alive today. And yet I kept putting on the good face. I put on the mask. Everything's fine. Look at I'm accomplished. Look at this. And I'm breaking on the inside. I was so disconnected from myself.

Courtney Weidner (31:08)
Yeah. Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (31:13)
And that's what people don't talk about, but yet we suffer in that silence. know, you look at you, I mean, you're saying, yeah, he's beating me up practically every single night and on the weekend, we're the most ideal couple everybody's jealous of, because we've got the most perfect relationship. I have the same frigging thing. I was the one trying to create that even though I was a bitch half the time.

Courtney Weidner (31:35)
It's all bullshit. All bullshit. All bullshit.

Kathleen Flanagan (31:37)
It was all of it. So, you know, so

people put on a mask and people put on there, this cute couple, you know what I do, folks? I put my feelers out on them. I don't, I don't take face value at anything anymore because I learned we all put on masks. That's why you don't want to compare yourself to somebody else's life because you really don't know their life. And if you're disconnected from you,

Trust me, you don't know your intuition because you're not listening to you. So that's why I say when I put my feelers out and I zoom in, and believe me, I know how to do that very, very well. I have a lot of people saying, how do you know this about me? And it's like quite obvious to me because I've walked it. And when you walk it and you own it and you accepted it and you love it,

you become that much more valuable to somebody who can't come to the surface yet. You're showing them how to come to the surface. Because to go through this kind of trauma, that means we have big, big, big missions on this planet. And as I'm watching Courtney, as she's going up, I'm going up. And it's almost like, even though we're not elevating each other, it's like we're both elevating each other at the same time. Like she's learning something.

And I'm like, I got answers for you. And then she's learning stuff that's like, my God, I could do this over here. And that's what we're doing. And that's how we're supposed to be living our lives. And you know, 2026 is coming and most of you are not gonna be ready for what's coming. I don't even know if I'm ready, but you know what?

Courtney Weidner (33:18)
I know, right?

I'm kinda shitting my pants over here. I'm like, holding on, like, oh god, it's gonna be good, though!

Kathleen Flanagan (33:21)
know and I'm sitting here

going but you know what? I know who I am. I know where I'm going and I and if I could endure what I have endured in this life, 2026 is going to be a breeze because I'm not carrying baggage anymore.

Courtney Weidner (33:37)
Thank you, Queen. Yes, that part.

Kathleen Flanagan (33:40)
Yep, because that's what this is. And Courtney's here to help you. I'm here to help you also because how many people talk about a partner puts a gun to their head and she could have been shot in the back of the head as she walked out of a toxic relationship. Who talks like that? Nobody.

Occasionally a movie star will come out and talk about it, but how much turmoil did they go through before they were willing to face that? Look at Oprah Winfrey, what was her big secret? She got pregnant because she was molested at a young age. And look at how long it took her to own that. And it wasn't a big deal because it was more commonplace at that point, but it's what it did to her on the inside.

Courtney Weidner (34:01)
And it happens all the time.

Kathleen Flanagan (34:28)
That's what we deal with is the pain on the inside and bringing that wound to the surface for the world to see. But you know what? When the world sees it, you're free. You're free. Because Courtney could be crying right now about this and she ripped my heart. I mean, she whipped my heart wide open because all of a sudden other relationships in my life that were similar to hers.

Surfaced and you know what I wouldn't feel guilt or shame or what was wrong with you I had empathy and compassion because I had it for me because I knew what it was like and I walked it and I forgave myself That's the gift that women can bring to each other

Courtney Weidner (35:15)
Absolutely. All of that, my friend.

Kathleen Flanagan (35:17)
And that's why the two of

us are creating our communities.

Courtney Weidner (35:21)
I know my

God, this is going to be so good. Holy crap. It's going to be so amazing, girl. Oh, so, good. So, good. Belonging is my thing. Love is my thing. Most of my friends know that I, I'm a connection person. I'm a connector. And I believe in bringing people together. What the alive revolution is all about is how, do we grow our village? How do grownups make friends? Like we have all of this.

Kathleen Flanagan (35:46)
And believe me, I'm on there

with her because I don't know this part because I've been an, I have been invisible and hiding my whole life and not trusting people. So Courtney, believe it or not, is actually without her knowing is really helping me learning how to do it. Even though I'm still very resistant, not in a bad way, but in a busy way. But what I'm doing on my community, the things I have put up in school already in, I am the light sanctuary.

is mind blowing and I dove deeper and what I'm going to be bringing out ladies, gonna blow your mind out. If I don't have my hand, my finger in that wound of yours to do something, cause I see you. Courtney sees you. You need to be seen, but only you can reach towards us. We can't help you unless you reach back. That's what this kind of pain and suffering is about. You have to

put your shields down and both of us create this amazing sense of safety. I've been told this lately of like, you're so sincere on your videos. have never, oh my God, I wanna buy your program because I'm talking from my heart. Courtney talks from her heart. I mean, she's the real deal people. I I fell in love with this girl a year ago and you know what? I mean, it's like,

Courtney Weidner (37:06)
We don't bullshit Kathleen, we s-

Kathleen Flanagan (37:12)
This is how much I love Courtney. This little girl, as I want to call her right now, goes off and leaves us from Colorado. She leaves us. So she comes back in the spring and brings this monstrous snowstorm. Then she goes off for another three or four weeks and brings back the windstorm that shut the power off in Colorado. So I told her, said, you make a decision. You either stay or you go, but you can't make the decision of both.

Courtney Weidner (37:19)
because I'm younger than you.

you

Kathleen Flanagan (37:41)
I mean, but it's fun. I mean, we have fun that way because it's interesting as I watch like she leaves and then she comes back with bad weather and she's like on the beach. So I'm really jealous of that too, by the way.

Courtney Weidner (37:44)
We do.

I know, you're

just beating me up because you're jealous.

Kathleen Flanagan (37:55)
Anyways, but see, that's the thing is that we can have fun like that because she knows I'm teasing her. It's funny. It's correlation I'm seeing from a different perspective. But, you know, that's the joy that women can bring with each other is just fun and humor. And I don't have any jealousy. mean, yes, I tell her she's got the cutest little body and I used to have one of those. But I'm going back to that, by the way. ⁓

Courtney Weidner (38:21)
Yes you are!

That's my-

Kathleen Flanagan (38:23)
But you know, the whole point is, that there's no jealousy. I just want to see Courtney just blossom because it's such a beautiful thing and that's empowering. That's empowerment for me. It's empowering for her. And that's how we women are supposed to be. And that's what I get so excited about with what Courtney's delivering and bringing because we do hold so much love and we are the ones that don't give it to ourselves and we don't receive it.

because we think we have to hold the world up when we don't. And that's why a community of.

Courtney Weidner (38:55)
Is that Pisces thing?

Is that a Pisces thing? Is that part of this?

Kathleen Flanagan (39:00)
I'm thinking this has got

to be a Pisces thing because you know, I think if women are holding women up, do you know how powerful we can be if we just start coming back to what we are? Because women used to raise the village. And then we got into this competitive thing with the man world with a double incomes. And we now are like, I'm going to be the kill them up and kick them up, kick their butt movies, you know? And it's like, we're not, that's not our strength. Our strength is love.

It's gentleness, it's compassion. That's who we really are. That's where our strength lives. It's not about how many men you can beat up in a frigging movie. Give me a break. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I think women are amazing how we give life, okay? We got power here, ladies. And when you start remembering that you hold all the power, because in nature,

Courtney Weidner (39:30)
Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

Kathleen Flanagan (39:59)
The men dance around for the women and for some strange reason, think that men should be dancing around the man. You will never ever see me do that. no, if you want me, we're gonna have that conversation, but just because you got a penis, that doesn't mean I'm going after you, because you got a penis, okay?

Courtney Weidner (40:14)
Where's your peacock feathers? Come on, like I...

Gentlemen you hired it we need more of the

Kathleen Flanagan (40:28)
I'm calling it like it is ladies. This is the end of the year, okay? This way you can all have another week, because I'm not doing a show next week. But this is a way to just really think about who you are, what you want, where do you want to go? You're not alone. I mean, I'm bringing a guest on like this and wait till you see what's coming on next year. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to bring more Courtney's on. I'm bringing out some more very interesting things next year that's going to blow your mind away.

⁓ But it's about women taking power. It's about men loving women who are standing in their power that are supporting women. These are the things that this is what we need to go into is service. anyways, I'm off my tangent. Kourtney got me on a big old tangent because I'm sitting here in my own stuff creating this community. And what is it? This is all in my face right now.

Courtney Weidner (40:58)
I can't wait.

Yeah.

I know girl, and I'm getting a download.

Kathleen Flanagan (41:25)
Like I'm just really embracing

and owning and loving. Like I never thought I would see the day I would do this ever. I thought I was gonna die invisible and I am not invisible.

Courtney Weidner (41:37)
Hmm. Well here, Kathleen, let me bring you

out to network with the world and you teach me how to feel and how to be okay with my own anger. I didn't even get into that and I know we're almost out of time and just how much that anger, how much that impacted me and how much I suppressed my own anger for decades. You know, this just got unpacked for me a couple months ago and I realized that I have been suppressing my own anger.

since that relationship because I didn't want to be like that. Like my shadow of angry. I am angry, Kathleen. Yes!

Kathleen Flanagan (42:16)
And you know what? I'm

proud of it because you know what? The anger is a good thing. I don't have judgment on my anger. It's what kept me alive and I direct it where I need to, but I don't feel the anger like I did. Do I have habitual outbursts? Yes. So we have to break habits. Who cares? It's a habit. And you know, when I...

Courtney Weidner (42:21)
Yes, it does serve me. Yes.

Yes.

And it's okay for us to feel that. Yes, yes. Learning how to feel

Kathleen Flanagan (42:43)
enough,

Courtney Weidner (42:43)
it.

Kathleen Flanagan (42:44)
it's gonna go away. It's just gonna go and it's just gonna roll out to the ocean. Yep.

Courtney Weidner (42:46)
Yeah. Close through. Yup.

Yup. And Ben bless him. He is navigating the new waves of Courtney and all the emotion that's coming out. Right as perimenopause is kind of landing. So it's like, ⁓ I'm learning how to the feels as I'm feeling all of them anyway. Okay. This is fun. All right. And Ben's like a champ girl. Bless him. He's yes. I'm so, so thankful for him to ride my emotional storms the way that he is. And you're right. When I allow

Kathleen Flanagan (43:05)
⁓

Courtney Weidner (43:16)
to just feel that anger and have my little tantrum and bang my fist on the thing because the shit's not working for me and I let it out and I feel better instantly versus how many of us just hold on to it the mask like you say I can't

Kathleen Flanagan (43:26)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and we're

home and we walk around like this without even knowing we're walking around like this. And then you wonder why you have cancer.

Courtney Weidner (43:38)
You know, like the things that we internalize and we don't let flow, dude, I, yeah, that's a whole nother episode probably on that. But yes. So for the women out there that know that they suppress emotions or that they make themselves wrong for feeling them, or they feel like they're not allowed to express that emotion because it's dangerous because well, you get fricking smacked around or screamed out or whatever when you express things. Those are red flags. Okay. Like if you're in a relationship and you cannot be fully self-expressed.

Kathleen Flanagan (44:08)
You need to leave. You need to leave because you're being destroyed as a human being and no woman, no person, no child, no woman, no animal, nobody deserves abuse like that ever. That's how I feel about it. But you have to find that in you.

Courtney Weidner (44:08)
Take a peek. Look at that. Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Kathleen Flanagan (44:28)
and you have to let the world see you if it's just one person to stand up and let them support you to make that change. And I hope it's before you die, because there are so many people that have died because they wouldn't leave. And trust me, our society, our police don't care about you. They don't care about you and they don't care about your children.

Courtney Weidner (44:56)
So.

Kathleen Flanagan (44:56)
So it's gotta

be up to you to protect your life and your children's lives.

Courtney Weidner (45:01)
And this is another reason Kathleen why my community is so Important for what the world needs because for the last six months I had every comment section on every Facebook post that I've engaged with and I talked to a lot of strangers that I have just met on Facebook comments because we start talking and take it to the DMs People are so fucking lonely in this world Kathleen. They're so lonely and they they say I don't they don't have friends

They don't have support. They don't have somebody that they can call. And I'm like, this loneliness epidemic when we have all of this technology, but yet people feel so disconnected because they can't leave their house because they're chronically ill or they work six, seven days a week to support their mom and their sick wife, or they are chronically ill and have an immune disorder and they can't leave or they're chronically ill and their child's chronically ill and they just don't leave the house.

or my other friend who works remotely and she just never gets out and she's been isolated and then all of a sudden she's like super depressed and I'm like, shit, people that don't have a village are slowly dying inside.

Kathleen Flanagan (46:09)
Well, that's

why we have ⁓ the young kids with the ⁓ suicide epidemic. And now it's starting to show up in the older generations. You know, that's sad. That's why I'm creating this, a place for women can come who can share. You don't have to buy anything, the community's free, but if you want more, once you feel safe, it's there, you know?

Courtney Weidner (46:15)
Yes.

It's so sad.

Kathleen Flanagan (46:36)
There's not, you're not gonna have somebody, they bully, believe me, they will be exited very quickly. Cause I won't tolerate that because I know how hard that is. And so I'm, if you start seeing a lot of videos, people, it's because I am pushing this community because we need, you need the help and the support. And if you want more of...

Courtney Weidner (46:44)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (47:01)
what I do, how I got it, one-on-one coaching, whatever, that's going to be, everything's going to be going through the community because that's my safe haven too, because I still need my safe haven. Because the world is too big and too mean and too crazy. So I want to create the sanctuary. That's why I called it a sanctuary. I'm creating a sanctuary of love inside where we can support each other and love on each other and feel

Courtney Weidner (47:23)
I love that.

Kathleen Flanagan (47:30)
not alone or give you the strength to make whatever major decision you might or might not need to make. I just want to be there for you because I know what it's like to be alone throughout my life and suffer. I know what that is and I don't want that for anyone any more than Courtney does. And that's why she's creating that because love is so important and mine's about safety. very similar things, different words.

But see, she's on the love side. I didn't have to worry about love because I always felt like I knew I was loved by God. And that was enough for me. But safety was my issue. And I want that safety for you because to me, you can't move if you're in fear.

Courtney Weidner (48:17)
Yeah, it is totally paralyzing. It really is. Yeah. ⁓

Kathleen Flanagan (48:24)
So Courtney, so how can people get a hold of you or is your community up or where is it going? Just so that way we can, people can at least try to follow you in what you're doing. If they wanna keep, get in touch with you, talk to you, whatever. I mean, you know me, I share everything.

Courtney Weidner (48:41)
Yes, so ⁓ my website super easy to remember what makes you come alive.com. What makes you come alive.com I've got contact buttons on there. So if people want to get on my mailing list, if they want to get the alive guide when it's released, you can get your free copy of that reserve that ⁓ the alive community is going to be hosted on school and it's under construction right now and.

It is going to be $9 a month for those that are interested. I wanted to keep it very reasonable and attainable for folks. And I am going to have an entire calendar of events. And the entire premise of the Alive is that people come together with their shared interests. So we're going to have all kinds of conversations. We're going to have poetry jams. We're going to have networking meetings. We're just going to have coffee clutches where people can just come and visit and chat.

and we'll facilitate some conversation topics and get people talking and making friends. And it's a global community, Kathleen. And so, you know, whether people want to come to courses on hypnotherapy, you know, you're going to do some stuff in my community and, and, me and yours. And it's just, it's going to be awesome. So I want people to be able to make friends through alive and start adding to their village and proving to themselves they are not alone.

Kathleen Flanagan (50:05)
Well, and you know, I have to tell you, because I've joined a few communities and I've actually made friends where we actually talk on the phone. And even though they're in another state, it doesn't matter. It's like we're helping each other and supporting each other, building our businesses. But we're also talking and sharing about really gut feeling, like some of the people I've met.

Courtney Weidner (50:05)
You just have to reach out.

Kathleen Flanagan (50:30)
It's like, you're my perfect customer and I'm your perfect customer. And they're sharing like, my God, I can't believe I'm still holding on and you got this. You know what I mean? It's like there's, that's what's so cool about communities is that, and if I can do it people, so can you. Cause I'm not, know, Courtney will tell you I'm a wallflower 90 % of the time. And here I am reaching out, talking to people, connecting with people. And it's because I feel safe.

That's the thing, I feel safe.

Courtney Weidner (51:01)
Seeing

you in September and you buzzing around and chatty Cathy with everybody. I'm like, damn, wait a minute, who is this woman? Such a different experience from the time I saw you before. I was like, she's feeling more comfy now for sure. So the fact that you feel safer.

Kathleen Flanagan (51:15)
Yep. And that's what community

is. That's what's making friends is that's what's owning the darkest side of you and loving it and releasing it. That's, mean, if we're not walking examples of this, I don't know what else we can do for you, but I just really want to thank all of you for being here today. It's such a pleasure to serve you and bring information towards you. If you liked what you've heard, feel free to share the link. So somebody else's

that needs help. here. You can go to the KathleenMPlanagan.com site. I do offer free 15 minute consultation if you want. Please join my community. It's free right now. It's ⁓ I am the light sanctuary on school SKOOL.com. And I've already got stuff up there for you. And

We are not having a show next week because I'm going to be in Wyoming working. That's part of it. And the other part is that it's the holidays and you should be with your families as much as you can. If you're lonely, if you need help, you can always reach out to me on my email. I have no problem with that. And I wish all of you a very happy holiday season. And I wish you all abundance and prosperity and a very happy new year. And thank you so much Courtney for joining me today. This was such a powerful, powerful.

session.

Courtney Weidner (52:39)
Thank you, Kathleen. Thank you so much for having me. Y'all stay tuned to my social media and I'll give you all deets on the book and the community and all that stuff. Yes. Happy holidays to everybody. Blessings, New Year.

Kathleen Flanagan (52:51)
Bye.