The Power of Setting Boundaries

KATHLEEN: As you can tell, I'm back on the road, I'm back in Riverton. Hopefully, this is the last week that I should be up here to finish out.

KATHLEEN: A good portion of the project that we're doing.

KATHLEEN: I wanted to talk about establishing healthy boundaries. When I was looking at my notes yesterday, the one thing that came up that I wanna share with you because this really made a lot of sense, especially when we struggle with boundaries. Homeowners put up fences and this often discourages intruders from entering or destroying the land and your home.

KATHLEEN: Since this practice is seen in all cultures and in history, fencing your property is a great way to ensure that people don't damage or intrude your home.

KATHLEEN: If you're willing to protect your physical property by putting up fences, then why are you not willing to put up boundaries for yourself? Boundaries are invisible fences for your emotional, mental and physical well-being. If you do not set up boundaries, people can easily infringe on your rights and make you feel disrespected.

KATHLEEN: When I read this, I was really surprised because I never looked at it quite that way. When we're establishing boundaries, we think that if we say we establish a boundary, we're asking people are we worthy? Are we deserving? Boundaries set you free and it actually creates your relationships a lot better.

KATHLEEN: They are definitely invisible imaginary lines that we create and it's imperative to have them because they do establish healthy relationships that are both beneficial to you and the other person. We need boundaries because this allows you to be your most authentic self.

KATHLEEN: If you have boundaries established, then people understand who you are and what you expect from them. It's the same when they establish boundaries for you.

KATHLEEN: It's also good for self-care because a lot of times we have a tendency to not take care of ourselves because we're busy being people pleasers.

KATHLEEN: We're worried about the family, our spouses, our partners, the kids, whatever it is and we don't take time for self-care. Boundaries are really good for that where you have to use discipline to take care of yourself. You're getting plenty of rest. You're eating properly You're drinking enough fluids throughout the day and that you are energized and not depleted. Boundaries also set realistic expectations with clear directions.

KATHLEEN: When I started setting boundaries and this is usually the hardest is when you first start because it's something new and different for you. What I discovered when I established boundaries, I informed the people of how it was going to be in the future with respect to protecting my space.

KATHLEEN: Yes, it's met with a little bit of opposition, but once people understand that they can't walk all over you, it starts making things different and you start feeling more empowered as well.

KATHLEEN: Boundaries will also protect you both emotionally and physically. This can go if you're in a relationship where there's physical abuse and if you don't have a boundary set up, then if your partner wants to beat you up and you stay, then where are your boundaries? That just shows a lack of respect. I know that and we're gonna talk about this, a little bit further.

KATHLEEN: A lot of times when we establish relationships, especially with a romantic partner, what we want to do is establish boundaries. That's the one thing that I always did in my relationships when I met men that I was thinking that I'd be interested in wanting to be with is I established boundaries and said, I don't tolerate cheating.

KATHLEEN: I will leave. If you want to leave a relationship, just say so and I will walk. I will do that. That is a very clear definite boundary that I have and I don't allow men to hit me. Those were some of the things aside from others, were probably the two biggest ones that I always established in any relationship and with my ex-husband.

KATHLEEN: One time he thought of hitting me and it was it would be the last act you ever do because I will see your ass in jail. I meant that with all of my being, I meant that and he came after me and he hit the wall, which I didn't care if he hit the wall. I didn't move. I was, go ahead, just go ahead.

KATHLEEN: I dare you. Then he also cheated on me years later. That was it. I was done. It was, he violated two. He didn't violate the one. But he, when he violated that one, it was, we're done because I actually said I will not tolerate this and I did not tolerate it.

KATHLEEN: That was the end of our relationship. Regardless of the fact of how much I loved him and how hard it was to leave, I chose to do that because I respected myself enough. That's the other thing about establishing boundaries. It's about your self-respect. You deserve to be treated with decency, kindness and respect. You do it for other people.

KATHLEEN: You are not a doormat and you are entitled to have those boundaries established. Nobody has the right to belittle us, to shame us, to demean us, in any way, shape or form. If you don't have boundaries set up in place, then you're giving them the free for all to be able to do whatever they want.

KATHLEEN: That shows your insecurities, your lack of respect for yourself, thinking you're undeserving and that is farthest from the truth. Boundaries are actually what puts you first because you are always supposed to be first, your family, your partner, everybody comes second to you.

KATHLEEN: If you're not feeling good or you're tired or feeling depleted and de-energized, that's because you haven't put yourself first. You put everybody else in front of you and everybody's gonna keep taking from you if you don't stop it. It's really up to you to establish boundaries. But that also requires you knowing who you are.

KATHLEEN: I know that when I first started establishing boundaries, I started to realize what I wanted and what made me feel good and what I needed for myself. I was doing a lot of soul searching when I started establishing my boundaries to say this is what I want.

KATHLEEN: This is unacceptable if this happens. I've walked from a lot of people in my life a lot because if you're gonna demean me or think that I'm worthless or treat me like I'm an idiot, then leave and I do this to my partner.

KATHLEEN: When he starts going down this rabbit hole of whatever, his dad's running his life and his speaking and that kind of thing, I'll tell him, where's the frigging door is, get the hell out if you're that unhappy.

KATHLEEN: I mean it, and he knows I mean it. That's his wake-up call to realize he's overstepping a boundary because it's totally up to you to stop bad behavior. Boundaries also help you to feel like you have rights. We do have rights, we have the right to be treated with decency and respect.

KATHLEEN: When I was telling you over the weekend that we finished cleaning out the crawl space and finally getting that done, it was exhausting and there was so much mold. I'm in a respirator and it's horrible. We're both frustrated and I understood that and there was this point where it was, my God, his father is talking to me and the next day I was, so what's this deal about your father?

KATHLEEN: Obviously you treat me like I'm an idiot and I don't know what I'm doing, but I said, I know this is your dad coming through. Let's have this conversation and we did. We had a conversation about that because he and I are very similar.

KATHLEEN: We're both the first born and we work similarly. There's so many things that we do that is almost identical as far as being a firstborn child. How much we take on and how much everything was our fault and all the other kids seem to have gotten away with murder.

KATHLEEN: Those days are over and yes, we do have a lot of those limiting beliefs and those paradigms that we're still living through and walking through. We were at least able to sit down and talk about it and work through whatever it is because I don't want him to leave.

KATHLEEN: I'm also not willing to put up being mistreated because I do my best not to mistreat him. What was funny is, he was saying something about we were in the car going to dump all this gross carpet and moldy boxes and stuff and I said, yes I know you think I'm an idiot and I'm stupid and all of this and I'm really freaking tired of listening to it.

KATHLEEN: So you keep your freaking mouth shut. I was angry.

KATHLEEN: I was very angry about it. I said, you could never diminish me to the degree that I'm doing to myself right now because I left my keys in the ignition and I had a dead battery. I had to go out and buy a battery. I went down a rabbit hole of, what's wrong with me? What was I thinking? When did I even do this?

KATHLEEN: I was really beating myself up. It was funny and he realized at that moment that it was time to back off because I was upset. I really was very upset when I had done that because leaving my keys in the ignition and I have a dead battery and I had to spend $250 bucks to buy a new battery.

KATHLEEN: I was angry, I was angry and I went down to God doesn't love me place. What did I do wrong? I did nothing wrong. It was an old limiting paradigm belief that I had.

KATHLEEN: What I did is I regrouped myself, got back into where I needed to be, Sal backed off and we were fine. I was physically exhausted because when we're tired also, you have to take care of yourself. That's what I did. I had to take time to say, leave me alone.

KATHLEEN: I need to rest because it was, why do my lungs hurt? I'm, well, because you were heaving in a respirator for two days. Of course, your lungs hurt. You'remexpanding your lung capacity because you're breathing through a respirator.

KATHLEEN: It was really, an interesting weekend. I think that's why I'm tired today is because I traveled yesterday for five hours and it was important that I stopped moving on Sunday. It was, I'm not doing anything.

KATHLEEN: I'm going to rest today and do whatever I felt like I needed to do, get ready for the trip, maybe do something that was almost mind numbing because I needed to take care of myself. I did. I felt rested and the nice thing was Sal was in the same position. We both took the time and enjoy being with each other.

KATHLEEN: That's what a boundary does because he will put his boundaries up if I overstep them as well. That's what makes this relationship work is when we both know how far we can push. Kids are the same way when you're teaching your kids boundaries. They're gonna push you until they know that you really mean it. You need to be in that position where you mean no, you can't do this.

KATHLEEN: You can be kind and need to be assertive. You also want to use the I statements like I feel this way when you do this instead of, well, you always do this to me and you're playing victim. Then they go on the defensive.

KATHLEEN: When you're saying the I statements, like when I told Sal, is there is no way you can belittle me or shame me as much as I'm doing this to myself. Nobody can do that kind of damage to me other than me and I don't give anybody else permission to do it.

KATHLEEN: I have to stop doing that for myself and 90% of the time I'm really good at this, but this time it was a little bit different because there was physical exhaustion. I had to look at the whole picture of what was happening with me. I stood my ground. I pulled myself back and that's part of that self-care boundary that you establish for yourself as well.

KATHLEEN: I want to talk about how we establish or set our own personal boundaries. Just like anything else, it's gonna be difficult and you have to understand who you are and what you wanna do. It's gonna take practice as well. You're supposed to feel empowered when you set boundaries, not anything other than that.

KATHLEEN: If you're not feeling empowered, then it's an ineffective boundary and it's something that you should change. The nice thing about boundaries is when you're working with other people then you can work with each other on boundaries.

KATHLEEN: They don't have to be set in stone and it's your way or the highway kind of thing. They can be negotiated with you and the people that you're around, colleagues, family members, whatever.

KATHLEEN: The first step in setting a good boundary is having a firm foundation and this foundation should be made from a healthy and appropriate mentality about boundaries. The goal of a boundary should be better respect for yourself and help other people to respect you as well. Setting boundaries is not about controlling or nagging somebody else.

KATHLEEN: If they view the boundaries that way, then it might be something that you need to look into as far as changing or modifying. It's empowering for both people. When you establish your boundaries, you also want to make sure what are the boundaries of the person that you're working with. You can create those healthy relationship boundaries.

KATHLEEN: When you're difining the boundary and you understand who you are and where you want to begin, ask yourself about what are your rights, what's gonna make you feel good. Here's some basic factors to consider. You want to have the right to say no, without guilt, you have a right to be treated respectfully.

KATHLEEN: You have a right to put your needs on par with someone else. You have a right to accept your flaws and mistakes and you have a right to reject other people's unreasonable expectations.

KATHLEEN: When you have those in place, that starts giving you a sense of where you need to be, how you want to feel and be treated. You want to identify the 10 most important values in your life because they're based on the values of what's gonna make you feel good. What's important to you in your life?

KATHLEEN: If you can't come up with 10, if you have five or three, start somewhere. ln relationships when I started in relationships, what were the two that were the most important for me?

KATHLEEN: You don't cheat on me and you don't get to hit me. Those were the two very top one. As the relationship grew and we understood each other a little bit better than that was where other things came in to play. Like with my ex-husband.

KATHLEEN: In relationships when we start something new with a relationship, we're all smitten and we're infatuated and we're feeling good and happy and joyful and we want to spend all of our time with that person, but you don't want to do that.

KATHLEEN: You actually want to make sure that you're taking time out. Even if it's one day a week to spend with friends or family or whatever. You need to establish boundaries. You don't know who you are or how you're really feeling inside the relationship if you're with somebody 24/7.

KATHLEEN: I know with my ex-husband this was when I was at the very precipice of starting setting boundaries.

KATHLEEN: Of course, they grew and I changed them as I went through life further. What I did was, we had time away because I needed to see how I felt. I knew I was in this whirlwind, is what it felt like with him because we were connected.

KATHLEEN: I knew who he was. I understood our past lives together. There was this connection that was whoa. I didn't know how I felt because of the whirlwind that we were in. every time I stepped back, I was able to decide if I really wanted to be with him.

KATHLEEN: If I liked being with him, if we were working through things, if there was something that was bothering me, then I had the opportunity to say something and that's what you want to do when you first start a relationship. You need to step back, you need to talk to people. You need to have another part of your life.

KATHLEEN: If you get married, then you start getting sucked into the relationship and then you forget about you and your me time. That was another thing my ex-husband was very, very jealous. I mean, it made me crazy. He was so jealous and it got to be out of control.

KATHLEEN: I knew he was a jealous guy, but I didn't know to the extent of his jealousy until after we got married. I couldn't cope with it. That was one of the reasons why we got divorced because he kept saying, well, you're cheating on me. I'm, I'm not cheating on you.

KATHLEEN: Then I realized if you keep pointing the figure at me that I'm cheating on you, that it's got to be the other way around. As soon as I said, that boy, everything shifted and we ended up divorced because he was the one who was cheating.

KATHLEEN: If I didn't stop and get away from him or if he wanted to go visit his parents up in Walden, Colorado, then he would go up. I could sit back and reflect on the relationship and is it working? Do we need to work on something? What do we need to do? Those were the things because he was an alcoholic as well.

KATHLEEN: I don't think I realized how bad it was until we were in the relationship. I remember talking to him because my father is an alcoholic. Alcohol is a really big deal for me. It's huge for me. I told him. He said I don't have a drinking problem.

KATHLEEN: What I had done to prove a point was I started xing on the calendar every time he had a drink. I think it was two days out of the month, he didn't drink. He was really angry at me about that. I didn't care. It was also his wake-up call to realize he does have a drinking problem.

KATHLEEN: That wasn't an easy thing to do, but it was a way that I wanted to get a point across. When you're in relationships, it's critical that you still have your me time that you can do the things that you want to do - the hobbies or start a business or whatever it is.

KATHLEEN: You want to make sure that you still have the time for you that you're not getting lost in that relationship. That's part of your self-care. When we set up boundaries for ourselves, it's also very challenging because there's nobody there to hold you accountable but you.

KATHLEEN: If you're going to start an exercise program and then it's, oh, I don't feel like doing it today. How do you feel about yourself if you're not gonna hold yourself accountable? Those are things boundaries help you stay and steer your ship in the way that you want them to be steered.

KATHLEEN: Of course, like I said earlier, when you're enforcing, it's establish what you need to do. Even in the work environment that can be a very challenging place. If they're overworking, you have to be able to say, no, I need to balance my life a little bit more.

KATHLEEN: I still need to go home. I need to do this. You're afraid that your career - you can lose your money because it's work is so different. You still have to establish those boundaries because it's actually going to make it better.

KATHLEEN: It's more a negotiation where you're saying, well, you're doing this and this is how I'm feeling and your boss or colleagues are going to want to work with you better because it's gonna help them and it's gonna make the team be better. If you're taking everything on and everyone thinks you can handle it and you're getting dumped on and you're feeling like crap that's not serving you.

KATHLEEN: Establishing boundaries at work is important. It's a little harder, but it's also probably better and more rewarding because everybody wants to be able to feel respected. You want your job to be good and you want it to be fulfilling because we spend so much of our time there.

KATHLEEN: When it comes to your children, the one thing you want to do is, if you need your mommy time, you tell them this is mommy time and you enforce it. In the beginning they're gonna test you, of course, because that's what children do. After a while, once they should know what it is and they don't, then you're gonna have to put your foot down and establish it.

KATHLEEN: The other thing, when it comes to intimate relationships, you have a right to when you want to be touched, how you want to be touched and not be violated in any way.

KATHLEEN: There's a lot of times that abuse and sexual assault happen inside marriages and relationships because one person or the other is really wanting something where the other doesn't. Establishing that is critical as well because if you're not saying it and you're reacting or you shut down, that can damage the relationship.

KATHLEEN: If somebody is violating you in a relationship, you need to leave. That's the bottom line. You have to find that within yourself. Taking that time for yourself as well.

KATHLEEN: You want to make sure that you're listening to your partners as well because if they have something that they need to say or share, I know men are not always the biggest communicators in the world, it's really important that you understand where they're coming from as well.

KATHLEEN: That helps to keep the relationship going, it keeps it safe.

KATHLEEN: If you and your partner are having your conversations where you need to be, you've got the kids pretty well established, they're in bed. You have your me time with your partner when the family is coming in, a lot of times everybody feels chaotic, they don't feel like they're in control.

KATHLEEN: If you're establishing boundaries with yourself, with your partner, they have theirs and you're teaching the children how to do it, then you have more control rather than having a chaotic household. When you establish boundaries that way there's an empowerment and you're teaching your children how to have boundaries.

KATHLEEN: They become more respectful of adults. I look at some of these generations now and it's, do you talk to your grandmother this way?

KATHLEEN: T have no boundaries, nobody taught them and they think they could do whatever they want whenever they want. It's all about me. There's other people on the planet If they want to be treated with decency and respect, then that means they need to give it back too.

KATHLEEN: That's a sign that they don't have boundaries and they didn't learn about boundaries. That also helps you with your compassion and understanding and your way of teaching somebody what you're willing to put up with or not.

KATHLEEN: I can't tell you how many times when I started setting up my boundaries of how much I have utilized my boundaries in my life. It was a game changer for me. It was a total game changer. The self-respect that I got, the ability that I'm allowed to say no, I don't have to say yes to everything. I've had people push back and people will push back.

KATHLEEN: If they're gonna keep pushing you back, if they claim that they don't understand why you're doing this because people pleasers are probably the worst because they want you to do whatever they want to be happy. They're insecure about themselves and they think as long as they're doing that then they can manipulate you, they can control you and that's not what you want.

KATHLEEN: People aren't allowed to do things like that as far as I'm concerned. I speak a lot of this from personal experience. When you're dealing with somebody who was pushing you back on your boundaries, it's up to you to stand up to them and get them to understand it.

KATHLEEN: If it's a matter of having to explain it in a way, if they still can't get it and they're still violating your boundaries, then let it go. That means they have no respect for you and they have no intentions of respecting you just like any man or woman that hits their partner. If they're doing that, then they have no respect for you because nobody has the right to raise a hand to anybody.

KATHLEEN: That's what I believe in. Nobody has the right to physically harm another person on a mental, emotional, spiritual, physical basis under any circumstance because the damage that it does, it's a life long to get to journey to get rid of whatever happened.

KATHLEEN: Yes, it's part of who you are. It's part of what's gonna make up your character. It's part of the lesson you chose to learn. But again, if we want our world to change people, we have to change ourselves.

KATHLEEN: The world's not gonna change unless we change. We are the ones in control of this world, not our governments, not the multi-corporations, it's us. I think I keep seeing more and more of that because even though it's chaotic and crazy out there and everybody seems to be disconnected and showing no signs of respect, the more I change me and what I see and how I want to live my life, the more my world changes. I'm less affected by what's going on.

KATHLEEN: I know I did these over the years, but I never really looked that is important. One of them is financial boundaries. You feel like you're working and working and working and all you're doing is paying your bills, but you don't do anything nice for yourself and then you spend money and you regret that you spend money because now you add it to the debt.

KATHLEEN: Set financial boundaries for yourself. What you do is you want to stick to a budget, create a budget and stick to it. Then see as money comes in, you have that extra few dollars or cash to go out to a movie or hang out with your friends or take that vacation that you've been wanting to do.

KATHLEEN: This is really good about only buying what you need at the time. I'm in that situation where I'm doing what I have to do. I'm not buying anything extra and I feel like I'm back in control of my finances. When you buy a new house, a lot of things go on in that period of time.

KATHLEEN: Now it's ok, just regroup, get back on your feet. I've gotten used to the new mortgage payment and all that. I had to discipline myself on, oh, I want to do this to the house and I want to do that.

KATHLEEN: I had to stop that and say, the house is fine just the way it is. You bought the house so you didn't have to put all this money into it right away. That's a really important boundary to set for yourself, especially if you want to go on that dream vacation or whatever. What can you do?

KATHLEEN: Health boundaries are another one where you're taking care of your physical, emotional, mental health. Are you eating well? are you getting enough sleep? Self-care is critical for you.

KATHLEEN: I was talking to my VA this morning. He's in Africa. He said he's got malaria and you're malaria! I said it's because you're burning the candle at both ends, you need to start taking care of yourself - go to bed at a certain time, wake up at a certain time. That's part of creating a boundary for yourself.

KATHLEEN: I'm always been really good about going to bed at a certain time and pretty much getting up every day at a certain time. It establishes where I am, what I wanna do. It gives me that opportunity of eating and doing all that. I eat more at home than I do out because it's cheaper and I know what I'm eating when I'm eating at home as well.

KATHLEEN: Then there's the social media boundaries. Everybody is hooked and tied into social media. If you're one of those people can't stay off your phone long enough because you have to know what's going on on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram or now the new one, TikTok, you can go down a rabbit hole and that's not any good for you either.

KATHLEEN: I know that these platforms can have timers on there. Start taking back control of your life instead of being absorbed into social media. I give myself so much time to go through social media. I learned TikTok and I got to the point of I can't do TikTok. I just can't do TikTok.

KATHLEEN: I see TikTok, it is not good for myself. I walk out of there and I'm all depressed. I don't even deal with TikTok anymore. Awakening Spirit is on TikTok, but I haven't posted anything on TikTok in probably a month since I got on there. I was over it. Those are things about learning what you can handle and that's what I do.

KATHLEEN: If you're a big TV watcher, start limiting your TV watching to one or two hours. That way you're doing something more than being a zombie.

KATHLEEN: Don't get me wrong because I've done where you spend a whole day, if you're exhausted and you spend a whole day, turn on the TV and you're a boob. You boob out in front of the TV. Sometimes I need to do that and sometimes I don't.

KATHLEEN: Thank God, it's not a lot, not getting involved in TV. I really do monitor how much I watch TV. I've been doing that for years sticking to a daily schedule.

KATHLEEN: That's why I said getting up going to bed at a certain time and creating that boundary where it's a routine but you're not going into a rut. You've got a guidance system of how you want to manage your life. This is about managing your life.

KATHLEEN: There are three types of people when they're fighting resistance. There is the controller. You have to remember that when somebody is trying to control you, it's not in your best interest and they're gonna make it look like it's you, that something's wrong with you.

KATHLEEN: That's one of the people if they're not gonna stop because a controller can be one of those physical abusive people where they're belittling you verbally. They could be physically harming you. My ex-husband was very much a controller. I am too, but not like that. I control what I want to control with myself and my life. I don't try to control other people anymore.

KATHLEEN: I've found that that doesn't work. Why waste my time? If somebody is sitting here trying to shame me and trying to control me, it's time to let them go. Those people are definitely not in my life anymore. If somebody shows up like that, I send them on their way. Don't think that I don't feel like at times I'm controlling, I don't think it's controlling anymore.

KATHLEEN: It's that there, I have these boundaries established. It's not that I'm controlling anyone. It's that this is how I want it to be. If I've clearly stated it and they have agreed to it and they violate it, they're not gonna come back. Let them go. That's a control factor. You have your guilt trip people.

KATHLEEN: These are the ones that I love the most. They're trying to put a guilt trip on and how you did this to somebody and you're hurting somebody because you did this or poor me because you're not talking to me and you should be doing this and it's, yeah, whatever.

KATHLEEN: No, that's your crap and that's the thing is when you establish your boundaries, you realize what is yours and what is theirs. A guilt trip when people are trying to guilt me because I'm not gonna do whatever. It's whatever, go away.

KATHLEEN: I'll say, I let them flap their gums and then I walk away. I'm not going to feel guilty for having a boundary established, especially when I know that I'm doing what I need to do for myself. If I'm in a situation where I think harm could happen to other people, then I'm going to keep them away.

KATHLEEN: With what I've had in some of my experiences, that's the best thing I can do. I remember when I was in Chicago, this one woman really tried to guilt and shame me. I let her flap her gums and I think it was several weeks later she comes back to me and pretty much apologized because a psychic told her to leave me alone.

KATHLEEN: She said you have no idea what she's dealing with and she's protecting you. You need to back off from her. Thank you God and thank you, whoever the reader was to tell her to back off.

KATHLEEN: The whole point was that she wasn't respecting me enough because she doesn't respect herself and she didn't have boundaries for herself. Therefore she was putting her stuff onto me and I wouldn't allow it. It made me feel better because I had no animosity, no anger, no anything.

KATHLEEN: She doesn't understand and no matter what I was gonna say at that point, she wasn't gonna understand. Sometimes our boundaries are say what you need to say and keep your mouth shut because silence really makes people crazy.

KATHLEEN: I know that for sure. My family was perfect for that when my mother died. They're sitting here leaving all these horrible messages on my phone trying to shame me, belittle me, guilt me, treat me like I was dog crap. My feelings were hurt.

KATHLEEN: Oh my God, I can't even tell you how much it hurt me. I kept my mouth shut. I kept my mouth shut and I never said a word. My one sister is, why should this bother you? Well, they did it to her and it bothered her. Now you understand that when your family is talking to you like that and this is the death of your mother we're all hurting. I get that.

KATHLEEN: You deal with it. From my understanding years later, my family is still angry at me because I let everything with my mother go and they're still harboring because they didn't win. They were always able to get a rise out of me. The one thing I wanted people to stop doing was getting a rise out of me. People knew how to push my buttons.

KATHLEEN: That was because I didn't have any boundaries. If you don't want to react to people doing things, then you need to establish those boundaries. My business partner was huge for pushing my buttons. He's really good, but I'm really good at pushing his too. Every now and then we do this to each other.

KATHLEEN: I don't think it's intentional. I think it's what it is.

KATHLEEN: We're working through that where we're not pushing each other's boundaries because we're both establishing our boundaries for each other and saying, please stop doing this. If he doesn't want me to do certain things, then I respect that.

KATHLEEN: Our relationship in business is a lot healthier and a lot stronger as a result of it. When I say that you really want to work through your boundary issues with coworkers, it really does make a difference. We can get away with more, we can do more, we're stronger together as a team because we understand each other better.

KATHLEEN: When I'm dealing with Michael, there are times where, he's a confident on many levels. I share some of my deepest feelings about things or experiences and vice versa. When you're in a vulnerable place, you want to know that that person is not going to harm you and hurt you.

KATHLEEN: When you're establishing boundaries, you're allowed to go into those deeper places to where you can expose your heart or understand it because Michael has a different perspective than I do.

KATHLEEN: I need that little bit of a shift of perspective because some people, when you start opening your heart and talking about some deep rooted heartfelt stuff, they don't know how to talk or they don't want to deal with it. They walk away from you. If you have somebody who can share those things, you need to know that you're safe to do that.

KATHLEEN: I have girlfriends all over the world that I can talk to like that. I know that they're not going to hurt me. You need to have those confidences and boundaries, help you to establish that confidence and that safety that you need when you are sharing some of the deepest darkest secrets and traumas of your life.

KATHLEEN: I highly recommend looking at yourself. Really learning who you are. Try things on. If you're saying, well, I think this is would be good because this is what I want to do. If you're not feeling good or it's not working, then change it.

KATHLEEN: These are yours. This is all about you and your personal growth, your personal development. This is your self-empowerment. That's what is in order for us to regain our lives. It's about our self-empowerment. It's that we have to learn to love ourselves. We have to accept ourselves.

KATHLEEN: We're not like anybody else out there on the planet. How somebody else looks at things, sees things feels about things is not what you do because we're all individuals. Yet those people around you can show you a perspective that maybe you wouldn't look at. I know many times in my life, I would be, no, it's like this.

KATHLEEN: It's like this. Then somebody says, have you ever thought about this? It's, oh well, no, it's like this. I was dogmatic and very, this is how it's gonna be.

KATHLEEN: I don't have to do that anymore. Thank God because I didn't understand myself well enough to know what it is. I was open enough to listen to other people's perspective of things.

KATHLEEN: When we do that, our boundaries allow us to look at other people's perspectives because sometimes it's what they're doing and maybe I'll try this on and see if it works for me and if it's working for me, then I'll keep it. If it doesn't work for me. It's, OK. Maybe I need to tweak it or maybe I should get rid of it.

KATHLEEN: That's how we start creating boundaries. Somebody we admire, watch them, observe them and then start trying on what they're doing to see if it works for you.

KATHLEEN: How do you measure the success of your boundaries? That is very easy. How do you feel?

KATHLEEN: That's really what it comes down to. How are you feeling throughout your day? Are they working for you? Do you feel like the relationships that you've established are working to the benefit that you want them to work?

KATHLEEN: That's how you do it. You track your moods, your feelings, your emotions through this. Sometimes you can get a little program and check in and see how are you feeling throughout your day. If it's not working, then go ahead and change whatever you need or tweak or get rid of something that isn't working for you.

KATHLEEN: It's simple to be able to measure your boundaries. Financial boundaries are real easy. Keep a detailed record of it with your children. It's easy to see if they're starting to follow through a little bit more on when mommy says mommy needs some time and they leave mommy alone, then that's a good sign, that kind of thing.

KATHLEEN: How deep are your relationships? Are they going deeper and getting stronger because of the boundaries? Like I said, with my business partner, there's a huge shift in us because we work through things. We talk about things and we don't take a lot of things personal with each other anymore.

KATHLEEN: That's the main thing - it's business, it's not personal. We do have frustrations and we allow each other to have that human element to us.

KATHLEEN: We don't take everything personal. We need to vent and if we vent then it's ok because I'm listening, it's ok, then we find a solution. Right now here at work, there's this job, there's things that are going on, after 40 years, I don't know what to do. I have nothing in my tool belt about this.

KATHLEEN: All I can say at this point is we've done our job, we've protected ourselves if anything happens, we are excluded from this because of this. We are protected and we have to trust that and let it go. I have never been on a demo job like this. I have never seen what I see here.

KATHLEEN: It's what it is, I surrender. I'm going to do the best of my ability with what I have to do and I keep moving forward and that's all you can do. I'm not being personally violated.

KATHLEEN: One of the contractors wanted to go on about somebody stealing stuff. I said, you're the one that's got shady characters working here and theft has been a problem the whole time we've been on the job. It's not my problem. It's not my job. I put my hands up and then he tried to blame the abatement contractor. I said, you know what, I'm not going to listen to any of this.

KATHLEEN: Whatever the theft problem is that is your problem to deal with. It's your problem to work it out. I don't believe that the abatement contractor's workers are doing anything because they're inside a containment the whole day. They are not out there wandering through a school stealing whatever they can find.

KATHLEEN: I put my hands up I walked away. I said, I'm not talking about this because I'm so tired of somebody who wants to find things and that's when you establish boundaries. You don't have to listen to that because I used to listen and listen and listen to people. oh God, now it's, no, it's I'm done, I'm done listening.

KATHLEEN: I'm done. You want to go down a rabbit hole of something? I don't even want to talk about then that's fine. I walk away. I've learned to do that and I don't feel guilty and I don't feel ashamed. I don't feel anything.

KATHLEEN: I feel empowered and that's what we do. That's what boundaries do they give you that sense of empowerment. I can't even tell you what kind of a game changer that is when you finally start feeling empowered, that you're worthy and you're deserving because you're never gonna have what you want in your life if you don't feel worthy and deserving.

KATHLEEN: Boundaries really do create that for you in ways that you've never understood. Especially me, I had no clue what boundaries were. I didn't even fully understand them through most of my life, even though I was trying things on throughout.

KATHLEEN: It's really important to take this ismall step. It's a big step into learning a little bit more and going deeper inside of you, of what matters to you. That's how I started. What really matters to me and what am I willing to put up with and not put up with?

KATHLEEN: I put up with a lot of stuff from a lot of people for a lot of years and I don't put up with any of it anymore. It's finally, after all these years, I found my mouth. That was the one thing a lot of people said you don't stand up for yourself at all because I didn't think I was worthy of that.

KATHLEEN: I don't know why I was, well, I understand why I've had that, why I felt like that, from my childhood and stuff. I had to find that value in me. When I started finding that value in me, nobody could ever do to me anymore. I said no, you don't get the right.

KATHLEEN: That was the biggest part. Nobody has the right to mistreat me and nobody has the right to mistreat you. If they do, it's your fault and if you don't like it, then change it. That's the bottom line. It's all about you. It's all about your mouth and it's all about you taking care of yourself.