The Day You Start Questioning Everything About Who You Are

Kathleen Flanagan (00:02)
Hello everyone and welcome to the journey of an awakening spirit. This is Kathleen Flanagan, your host and I have Kristen Swan in the room. have you ever noticed something strange is happening inside of you lately and you look at your life and then suddenly things that used to make sense don't anymore, your career, your routines, your relationships, even the things you work so hard for and the weird part, nothing is technically wrong.

but something feels off. Like your life still works, but it doesn't feel like your life anymore. You start questioning things, everything. Why am I doing this? Why does success feel empty? Why can't I pretend everything's fine anymore? And here's the most, the part most people don't talk about. When this starts happening, people around you usually don't understand it. Because from the outside,

you look completely fine and you're still functioning, you're still responsible and you're still the strong one. But inside something is shifting, something is waking up. And today we're going to talk about that because Catherine Swan works with people who are right in the middle of this experience. And when life starts asking deeper questions than achievement alone can answer, and if you've been feeling like something inside you is changing, you're not crazy. You might actually

be waking up. So I want to welcome you, Kristen, for being here today. And since I'm changing up how I'm formatting this show a little bit, I would love to know a little bit about your journey of becoming an awakening spirit, a little bit about who you are, and then we can go from there and just start answering and addressing everything because you have some really good tools to help us navigate the who am I question.

Kristan Swan (01:59)
Yes,

who am I? Thank you so much, Kathleen. I'm delighted to be here. I've been really looking forward to this conversation because this is such a universal experience, right, of awakening. it doesn't, and I think for myself, it has been such a non-linear.

That's, guess, the best way to put it, a nonlinear journey. And it's a journey that I'm still on, right? And I think that, you know, from everywhere, being very, very young and growing up as an only child and predominantly an only grandchild for the big portion of my life, I was around adults a lot. And then I was also

by myself a lot. And so one of my great ⁓ escapes or one of my favorite things to do was reading. I really can, I don't ever really remember not knowing how to read, right? ⁓ And I think that that, and I bring that up because essentially I,

you know, kind of found myself in story. And that I think is been this real through line for me as I kind of have been more in alignment with myself and my spiritual journey and my spiritual awakening. And then also those times when I've, you know, stepped outside of that journey and been

more closed off to who I was. so, you know, fast forward, I love what you were saying about, you know, just, you know, presenting as this highly responsible young adult, ⁓ hardworking. you know, started working as an 11 year old or 12 year old going around the neighborhood, you know, kind of anticipating my neighbors

needs because I knew that they were going to go on vacation. you know, somebody's going to need to, you know, water your plants and pick up your newspaper and things like that. And in a way that awareness, all the seeds of that were really in my upbringing, which was slightly chaotic, to put it mildly. And so I also was hyper vigilant, right? So I'm

I'm really observant, but I'm really observant of the external world. I'm watching other people to the point where I'm not that curious about myself, right? Because it's kind of a survival skill to be, you know, figuring out what's happening, right? ⁓ Feeling like I never know when there's gonna be, you know, that...

that earthquake or that ground shifting underneath me. So I'm very externally focused. And it really wasn't until having children, which that was kind of one of the things that I knew that was important to me was to be a parent. And

I think the first little kind of crack in terms of that highly competent exterior was after the birth of my first child and then even more profoundly after the birth of my second child because there was this real sense of, I feel like for the first time I got a sense of

the just the the infinite right because my first child I you know thank goodness things were relatively easy for me I you know just fell in love with him right away he's just you know I couldn't he was just so delicious you know I just couldn't get enough of him and and then I I am about to have my second child and I'm

I mean, literally the night before he's going to be induced, I'm worried because I'm thinking, I didn't know I could feel this way for another human being that I could feel so much. Right. And like I said, it's that that first little crack into an awareness of my totality.

of me, my connection to that, which is bigger than me, ⁓ know, a sense of being in the world, but also the bigger, that bigness of the love that I felt for this first child. And because so much of my conditioning and my upbringing was, ⁓ you know, for

there was a real sense of, you know, scarcity. I was concerned that with the birth of my second child that I don't know that I was going to be able to care, that I was going to love him that much, right? it was, I mean, thank goodness. that's when I just felt like, oh, I just was able to recognize

that our capacity to love is infinite. And I feel like from that moment forward,

the spiritual awakening that I have found myself, the journey of a spiritual awakening, you know, that was definitely one of those watershed moments. and again, not to say that things were linear from there, right? ⁓ So it's, I think that the, what I love about this, this journey for me is

having more of a sense of who I am and also asking those questions, right? And not always having the answers. So I think what's important is, again, as a very responsible, know, buttoned-up person, which I was, ⁓ there was a sense that, and this is gonna sound kind of odd in a way, but there was a sense that,

If there was a question to be asked, it was like I almost better have the answer, which is ridiculous, right? But there wasn't kind of the permission up until later for me. And it continues now where the ability to ask questions and be okay with...

they're not being an answer right in this moment.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Kathleen Flanagan (10:11)
Oh God, God, Kristen, I was on a phone with a friend of mine because, I've been on this 90 day detox. I'm two thirds of the way through it. And today it's like a raging, crazy, every button being pushed for weeks. I've been like, please, please help me understand what's going on. I mean, I've been in a nervous system reset, all of that, knowing I'm going to find it.

Kristan Swan (10:24)
You

Kathleen Flanagan (10:36)
They drop little bombs of call so-and-so and it's like, okay. And then you forget because life is insane right now, right? I mean, it's like, if you don't drop what you're doing the minute you get something, it's like it's gone and then it drops again. So I was talking to this friend of mine and she says, you sound angry. I says, but I'm not angry. I'm passionate and I'm frustrated. And then they're dumping all my information's coming in about my past lifetime with Jesus.

Kristan Swan (10:42)
Yeah.

you

Kathleen Flanagan (11:04)
and all of this, and then I'm seeing all of my timelines doing this now, and I'm like trying to understand all of my timelines coming together, all of my past lives, everything, because I'm detoxing. And so when you said that, that you have to be okay, and I'm like, okay, I'll be okay, I'll be patient. But some days it just doesn't work. And so you get to the point of rage, and not that I'm angry rage, it's a passionate rage of frustration.

Kristan Swan (11:16)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (11:35)
because I feel like there's a burr because we feel burrs, but we don't know what the burrs are and we're looking, but how do we want to go to find that burr? Because what if we uncover something we really don't want to look at? And then can I manage it? Now, I know I can, I know I'm not frail. I know we tell ourselves crap like that, but that's not the truth of it. But I think it was, what do I not see?

Kristan Swan (11:40)
Uh-huh.

Right.

Kathleen Flanagan (12:02)
I need to be able to see what I can't see. And anyone who says, I can see everything about myself is a liar because we're designed, there is proof, there's scientific proof that we have blind spots and we need others to show us the blind spot because that teaches us about that humanity. It teaches us about working with another human being. It's learning how to evolve as a species and not as an individual.

Kristan Swan (12:10)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (12:32)
because we're not designed for that. We are a collective. Any way you look at it, we are always a collective. We just have different earth suits on people, that's it. And so I'm asking some pretty hard questions and it's like, well, are you ready for feedback? And for somebody to say that when I'm like going, the Tasmanian devil's flying around the room, I know how hard that is. And it's always yes. It's always yes. Because...

Kristan Swan (12:47)
Okay.

They know.

Kathleen Flanagan (12:58)
I'm calling you because I don't know, but I know I have to get the feeling and the emotion out so I can see what's coming up because I can't see it. Because you can't do all of this by yourself. You can write it, you can journal it, you can do all that. But sometimes you just have to verbally allow the emotions to emerge. Screaming a pillow, clean the house while I'm raging, while I'm vacuuming. I that's how I got through everything. just, I'm vacu-ing and my house looked beautiful.

Kristan Swan (13:20)
Right.

Kathleen Flanagan (13:26)
I mean, my house was never clean, so clean as when I was raging. But see, I was 20 and I didn't know what I was raging about. Now it's a different story. I have more clarity, but because we're constantly evolving, we don't know what our capacity is. And that stretch hurts. I mean, do go to a gym and stretch.

Kristan Swan (13:34)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, well,

I love what you're saying about the kind of that tension between, so, okay, when we begin to get curious with ourselves, right? We begin to kind of ask those questions and then there's that dance of

Am I really ready? can I do this? And there can be real fear around our capacity to kind of hold some of this stuff. And I know like a deep example for me that I almost didn't know I was doing this.

I don't think I knew that I was doing it for a while. And then I kind of realized I was doing it and it still didn't change how I was operating yet. is I really never would allow myself to experience grief in a way that I really needed to in order to heal and to...

to kind of integrate that experience because I grew up with a mom who suffered from depression. She still does. And there was a sense of as different as she and I were, I wasn't confident necessarily that I didn't have that thing, right? ⁓

If I allow myself to really feel everything around the grief, the grief of my first marriage dissolving, which was the marriage with the father of my children. And so then by extension, changing their lives in a ⁓ very significant way, to put it mildly, would I...

if I really allowed myself to feel everything that was, I was coming at me, would I ever be able to come out of it? And I was so afraid, as strong as I knew myself to be, I didn't know, I didn't have the confidence that I had strength in times of, that I had, that,

that my vulnerability would, that there would be, that I could still find strength in that. And that I think also has been a big part of the journey and the awakening of, you know, knowing, having a real confidence around that strength or that ability to

to experience a sense of loss or grief or whatever it may be, those really deep, hard feelings and experiences and...

and know that I can do that. so I think that that's kind of part of the work that I do now in terms of the journaling and the workshops with people is, you know, and one of my things that I commonly say is, is our stories, you know, they are this, this wonderful resource of information and how

We do not have to let them define us, right? That we do not have to get stuck in that story. And I think we can get stuck in a story even as we're saying, ⁓ no, that's not a part of, I'm gonna put that over here and put it underneath the bed and in a box and it's, know, ⁓ we don't see it.

It's, but it's still there, right?

Kathleen Flanagan (18:29)
You brought something up that triggered a thought that I never thought.

what you said about when I got divorced because I didn't grieve that one for years and it was very stuck and that's when the books the Dancing Soul series came out because I moved to Chicago and I was facing a lot of things and I wanted to be a better person. But what was interesting is I was told everything that was going to happen in this and I'm going to share this for reason.

Because you said something that was really important. We don't need to know the reason why. But I was granted a special dispensation by spirit to know everything that was gonna happen in this divorce on one condition. I didn't interfere with it. Do you know how hard that is?

Kristan Swan (19:30)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (19:31)
When you don't want to walk away from the man that, you know, the love of my life is what I thought he was at that time. I didn't because we had so many lifetimes together. I was fully aware of it and my heart was just shattered. It was shattered. And and I wanted so badly to just try to forgive him. I couldn't. I knew I wouldn't be able to. Not for that. And. But I was willing to like.

forget me in this process. And I had an attorney who advised me and kept me, I kept telling him everything. So he kept me on the straight and narrow too, cause he knew that I was so vulnerable at this point. And I just remember all the times I used to ask, why can't I know? Why can't I know? And this one, they gave it the permission to do that. I got a lot of dispensation when it came to him. I get why the, and when people say, I just wish I knew, and I said, no, you don't.

Trust me, because the thought that kept going through my head at that moment was, I give up who I am for him. Let's just put it that way, make it real simple. I lose me along the way. What would my life really be like at the end of my life? Or is this the precipice of a new life beginning that I'm terrified of facing? And those questions kept running through my mind because

Kristan Swan (20:41)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (21:00)
My curiosity was bigger than staying in what I knew wasn't working, regardless of what my heart felt.

Kristan Swan (21:05)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (21:10)
And I think that's what people don't realize is that when we're faced with those big tough decisions, yes, you have to grieve it. And somebody had told me once and it was so, I never forgot it. And I tell it to people all the time, divorce is like a death except for they didn't die.

Kristan Swan (21:31)
Right. Right.

Kathleen Flanagan (21:33)
and you still get

to see them, but you're still grieving because when you see them, what do you remember? You remember, even though you're angry, you still remember you fell in love with them for a reason. You wanted to spend your life with them for a reason. You had fun with them at one time and whatever happened along the way in the dance of life as a couple, it changed. You know what I mean? So as I'm sitting here and you're saying that, I'm going, my God, that was the first step of me.

Kristan Swan (21:54)
Yum.

Kathleen Flanagan (22:02)
to be able to take the journey that I have been on for the last 20 years of my life. It has not been an easy journey. It has been a very difficult journey, but it is well worth every step of the journey. So where I am now, if I'm upset because I don't know what's going on, because I'm feeling things and we're at a critical time on this planet right now, it's like, I know I have the strength to get through it. I know that. I'm just evolving up a different rung of the ladder.

I'm feeling things energetically on a detox. I'm getting rid of old garbage inside my body, bugs, parasites, old food that sits in there for 20 years because of the toxicity of our bodies. You know, all these things I'm learning about the body. So there's like this whole new level of awareness of my body and what it does. And so when people say that people that are overweight and I remember talking to someone it's like,

Kristan Swan (22:52)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (23:00)
Yes, everybody I take, I'm just stuffing down whatever I don't want to feel or remember. They know why they're overweight. They know that they had tragedy. And most of them don't want to face it because they don't know how to live that because there's no skills we teach people. So even though I'm not overweight, I'm still losing weight, which is a good thing because I wanted to, but I'm losing like,

other thoughts, other ideas, other things like old lifetimes or old triggers or whatever is losing with me. when I say like I was raging, but it's not like the same kind of rage. It's like I sound angry, but it's really passion. And there's like, and I'm merging all these things. And it's like, I don't know who I am because I don't know what's happening fully on inside this body, but I'm taking on more light.

I feel lighter, I feel better, I feel happier, but boy, the intensity of emotions is also right there. So, you know, as above, so below, and how am I balancing through this? I'm doing everything I can to stay balanced. I stay calm. I try to keep my nervous system down. I'm not even drinking my wine as much as I want my wine to stay calm. I am living through this.

Kristan Swan (24:14)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (24:20)
You know, I'm being very disciplined. I'm retraining my body. I'm retraining my mind. I'm telling the ego, I'm in control, not you, me, spirit, and you can come. And I promise we'll work together this time instead of, you know, the war inside, because we do have a war with spirit in our bodies all the time. People don't realize that. So when you said that, I was like, my God, it's like all these answers are like starting to like drop left and right.

Kristan Swan (24:21)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (24:50)
because we don't realize that we are body, and spirit. We have to work together. It's a triple braided cord. When all of this is in alignment, we get the things that we want, but when are we always in alignment? Barely ever, because we're not paying attention enough.

Kristan Swan (24:57)
Yeah.

⁓

yeah. I think that's the real beauty for me is in terms of ⁓ having developed a journaling practice and then having the pleasure of sharing it with others is that at the very core of it, it's just about

causing, right? And allowing for there to be this moment where you're present. I think the, I mean, there's a couple of things that you're saying there that I just love that for me, the other thing that can happen is, and I feel like I'm trying to put this into words because it's such a visceral,

you know, it's such a, just I can feel it in my body is almost these times when I do feel like I'm getting those, those pieces are coming together, right? And how I can, I can end up feeling, and maybe this is the word that you're using, rage, is I can end up with.

also this tremendous impatience because it's like, am getting that, I've got that connection. And then I feel like I almost where I want to sprint, right, I trip because I, you know, this is the physical form that I'm gifted with. so there's, you know, beyond... ⁓

beyond kind of managing the three pieces of allowing for the, you know, the spaces, the space for all of these pieces to meet and, and to be working together. There's, you know, there's also the, the confines of, you know, gravity in our, and just how many hours in a day and, and needing to sleep and needing to, you know, do these things. So

I don't know, is that kind of akin to that passion that you were saying that you feel?

Kathleen Flanagan (27:37)
It is because I know where we're going. Okay. I have full remembrance of home and what it feels like. And when you have that in your body, it's too much energy for the body at this moment to take on, but it's also, why can't I have it here on this planet? Well, we're trying to get there. We are working towards that. And I get that. So it is an impatience is it is an excitement.

And when I was talking about, you know, it's kind of like how Jesus was when he was raging at the money changers in the temple. It's like that kind of a thing where he knows he just knows, but nobody else knows. And but it angers him. And I think that's what I'm I feel a lot of times, too, is that I'm fully aware of so much and I'm aware.

that we are so lost in materialism and me against them and everybody pitting against each other when there's a disaster in your neighborhood or you're snowed in or whatever, what does the neighborhood do? We all come together and help each other. Otherwise we're hidden in our homes. And I think that's what we're trying to get back to. I think that's why communities are growing the way that they are is people are needing that connection. But it's with like-minded people.

It's, think we tried to do that in our generation with the hippies and the communes, but we didn't get it quite right, but we tried.

Kristan Swan (29:13)
Yeah. Well, and I think there's, guess my, I'd be curious what your thoughts are about, I think for me, ⁓ a big part of this journey and really the kind of the constant conversation that I'm having with my creator is realizing

that timing is I need to, I need that. That's the part I think of my ego, right? That I need to really be mindful of is just because, you know, I think that it should happen this way in this moment that I'm experiencing right now that to really let

go of my idea of what timing is.

Kathleen Flanagan (30:20)
Yes, that's a hard one. I remember about a year and a half, two years ago, I remember sitting on my couch and it dropped of, my God, I created every element of my life, every painful moment, every step of the way, all my family members, all the people that have come and gone in my life, I created every bit of them for me to be right where I am today. Because in that moment, it was like this divine,

light just beamed through me to show me that I created this. And it was the first time I finally said, because I always said I would never do this to myself. And yes, I did every bit of it, knowing that that wasn't true. But I just couldn't fathom why I would say that or think that. And then it's like and then I realize, OK,

Kristan Swan (31:14)
Mm-hmm.

Kathleen Flanagan (31:18)
I created, if I created every element of my life, then when I get to wherever it is that I have this end vision of, I'm not there yet, I keep getting closer to it. And I always say, I'm also learning, I'm earning my PhD in surrender and trust. Because it feels like that, and I don't know if I'll ever make it, and it doesn't matter because that's an ego thing.

Kristan Swan (31:40)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (31:48)
But I realized that the more I put, when I stay in my heart, everything flows. The minute I go up here, and I had a coach who taught me, showed me every time I went up here, because he said, every time you go up here, you're like, get back in your heart. When you get back in your heart, you just seem to, you just kind of go on the sailboat and go with the wind rather than resist the wind. And I thought, wow, that's a great analogy.

But I think that was the main thing that I have learned is it's going to happen. I know it's going to happen. It's my impatience of wanting it to happen. And yet as we are so close to it happening, it's also, know that's there because I can feel the emotional level because when you get closer to your dreams, when you start getting angry, raging,

Kristan Swan (32:17)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (32:42)
crying, whatever it is, it's in the sixth level of consciousness, it's ready to manifest. So what do you do? Don't stop it. Rage, cry, run around, do whatever, but get the emotion out so you can manifest it. Because how many times do we stop the giving and receiving? And I think that's a big lesson for all of us on the planet now too, is learning to receive.

Kristan Swan (33:00)
Yeah.

Well, and I, I, and I mean, there was a thought that I had this morning, really in anticipation of our conversation that I wanted to, I was, I wanted to ask you because, so learning to receive and, and, and being open to all the different parts of ourselves and our, connection to that, which is bigger than ourselves. And

I guess I wonder, I'm almost feeling like it's a similar ⁓ dance that I, like I was describing that I did in terms of worrying about feeling everything and would that kind of plunge me into a space of depression that I may not emerge from, right? Is I think the question that I was having that I wanted to talk to you about is,

is as we have greater awareness, as we have this awakening, for me, feeling very much like it was kind of emerging from a very hard shell that had been created for protection and all sorts of reasons. ⁓

can, how do we make it? Cause it does feel like, you know, I mean that the thought that is coming to my head is like, you know, those different insects, right? That have their little cocoons that protect them. then when they, you know, and then they're so vulnerable for a while because they're soft and there's, you know, there's,

you know, whether it's too much sun or too much cold or hot, know, just like everything just is so amplified and so on the surface, right, that there's a rawness and.

is a, you know, in this process of awakening and being open and being receptive and recognizing all these parts of us, you know, what are your thoughts about, is there a place where it's almost too much or that we, or how do we manage that?

Kathleen Flanagan (35:44)
yeah, it can be too much. It definitely can. And I'm fully aware of what's coming on and I feel like you're interviewing me instead of the other way around. This is so funny. I love this. is funny. No, I No, I get it, but I get it. This is what's so cool about this conversation is ⁓ I would say, yeah, sometimes it is too much.

Kristan Swan (35:56)
Well, mean, seriously, this is what I was like.

Kathleen Flanagan (36:11)
And I think in that too much for me is when I got this feeling that I have to do something about my body, because my body couldn't handle the energy. Because of the density, because of the toxicity, because of, you it's not necessarily poor eating or drinking or anything like that, because I don't really do any of that. ⁓ It was just the toxicity of the body and then discovering that those toxins,

Kristan Swan (36:18)
Mmm.

Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (36:37)
are like fat cells. when things come in, it mimics the fat cells. And so when we wonder why we can't get rid of weight, it's because of the toxins. So we have to do a detox. I'm becoming a very strong proponent on this because I'm seeing it, but I'm also noticing that when I would get supercharged with energy, it was so much for my nervous system. I didn't even know how to address it. So it was like, where's my wine? Because I needed to calm down.

Kristan Swan (37:01)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Kathleen Flanagan (37:05)
because I couldn't handle it was too much. Now the energy's coming in and I'm managing it because I'm getting rid of what's holding me back. Whatever stuff is in our body, in our cells, whatever those thought forms are, taking control of my body in a way, and I'm not struggling. I haven't been hungry. That's the one thing they promised me is you will not be hungry. They were right.

Kristan Swan (37:08)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Hehehehehe

Kathleen Flanagan (37:33)
I ate one meal a day for two months, people, okay? And now I'm eating food again. I'm like, I'm full after two bites. But you know, it's like, but I'm noticing on the final phase of this journey of this detox of like, wow, there's some real shit coming up here in a different way, you know? Cause I've been grumbling, like you sold me weight loss. I'm not losing weight except for now the weight's coming off because I'm finally releasing it. Like it's finally flushing out. Like I needed to go through.

you know, the whole stomach thing, the liver cleanse, the lymphatic cleanse. I had to go through all the cleansing to kill the parasites, to kill the bugs, to get everything functioning again, because they saw the beauty of how our body works in a way that nobody ever explained it. But it's not about explanation. It's about experiencing it.

Kristan Swan (38:25)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (38:26)
And I have been grumbling, don't get me wrong. had the last call with the doctor. I just ripped him a new one because I said I took five milligrams of THC. I don't do that because I didn't want to drink wine. I said, do I sound like I like I took THC? No, I didn't because it was so much. But it was like right after I like verbalized it, I got it out.

Kristan Swan (38:48)
Right.

Kathleen Flanagan (38:55)
and then we shifted into the lymphatic cleanse, whole different experience. But it was like I started to calm down. And now as this energy is beginning to surge through me again, and today I would say in the last, today was probably the first day it's really started surging, I don't feel like I need THC. I don't feel like I need wine. I don't feel like I need anything. All I need is to talk to somebody.

get it out, be around like-minded people who are having similar experiences because that's where my answers will come. So that's what I'm finding because it's helping me to assimilate. Plus I'm drawing in on your energy because you've got, to me, you've got very calm energy compared to mine right now. And so it's like that give and take, that receiving, that the dance of life, the cogs of the wheel coming together, again, a whole new level of

Kristan Swan (39:34)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (39:51)
awareness and just like, okay, and then realizing in this process of the elimination of, well, this thought form, I used to go this way and now I'm looking at it this way. You know, it's like I'm shifting my perspective. Like as I release more, I see more because the bigger picture's there because I'm not reacting anymore. I'm responding and

Kristan Swan (40:06)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (40:17)
And I think a lot of it is because of the body, because a lot of times we react, not just because we're triggered emotionally, but our body goes into defense.

Kristan Swan (40:28)
⁓ absolutely. mean, I, yeah, I mean, it's, for me, it's so often, you know, right, it's, it's that, that either the throat feels so tight or the stomach is in a knot or, yeah, I mean, the body is, you know, is, is kind of, is reacting before and then kind of, and then informing that emotional reaction.

that I'm having. absolutely. Well, I love, guess what I'm hearing for myself that I, that's such a, I think I'm going to have to chew on this for a little bit because it's, it's a big thought. And but is I love the idea that you're saying that it's

It can feel like too much when things aren't kind of running, you know, the system isn't operating the way that optimally, let's say. And so, yeah, so that's, that is where you can feel like, you know, you're, it's like, yeah, I do need to numb or distract some way because it's just like,

you know, all here instead of, you know, kind of moving through as it's meant to is the way that I'm thinking about this. And it's, that's really helpful. Thank you so much for sharing from your experience, because literally that was my thought this morning when I first got up, I'm like, okay, I want to ask about this idea of

Kathleen Flanagan (42:09)
Hahaha!

Kristan Swan (42:11)
And I guess the reason why I think it's relevant to this conversation here and relevant to your audience is because I mean, for myself, it kind of, I guess, put some doubt in the...

of my capacity or the validity of this, the awakening piece, right? And the connection to Spirit and Creator and Source for me is like, know, yes, aspirationally, I'm thinking, gosh, I want to, you know, always be in alignment and, you know, and have it be

effortless and things like that. you know, recognizing that there are these moments where it's feeling like it's, you know, so much. So I love this idea of that that's really great information for all of us as to kind of potentially where, you know, where we might be kind of clogged up.

Kathleen Flanagan (43:28)
Well, here's something that I think this is important because when I put it together, it's and with you talking, I got a whole new download of the experience. OK, in dream interpretation, when you're eating food, you're taking in knowledge. If you see food, you see the knowledge, but you're not taking it in. You're not assimilating it. OK, so that's the main thing. So where do we assimilate? We assimilate in our gut.

We take our food in, we assimilate it in our gut, and then it goes through all the digestive tract and we eliminate it. You know, like we take what we need and let it go. Well, as toxicity starts building up, the first place it's gonna start is in the intestines. Now the liver can't do its job because the liver needs a clean intestinal tract to dump all of that toxicity to go through it. Then if the liver's toxic,

then we go into the lymphatic system because the lymphatic system goes into the liver. if that's, so when you think about it, wherever we're clogged, so when I saw the beauty of this magic, because it was first get the gut health going, get the digestive track on track first, get everything out of the digestive track, and then we do the smoothies was so we can, so the liver doesn't have to, can wait because the liver waits for the stomach to be done.

Kristan Swan (44:53)
Yeah. Yeah. ⁓

Kathleen Flanagan (44:53)
and our stomach is never done in the digestive process.

So the liver becomes toxic, it gets fatty, it gets all these things wrong with it. And so then the lymphatic, because it's the largest system in our body, and if it can't dump into the liver, that can't dump into the stomach, then we wonder why we have head colds, we wonder why we have inflammation, we wonder why, and it's all lymphatic because we're clogged up. So as I start,

Kristan Swan (45:00)
Right.

Kathleen Flanagan (45:23)
dumping through the stomach and it's like it's starting to feel better. Then here comes the liver and it's like, okay, I'm feeling a little bit better. I'm thinking this is pretty good. And then all of a sudden we're on a lymphatic and it's like, okay. then, you know, like I, the, stuff that comes out of lymphatic, doesn't just go through the liver. mean, it was my ears. mean, sinuses. mean, lymphatic is going to drain how it's got to drain. So, and now it's like, it doesn't have to drain in all those other ways now because that's how it was trying to get

Kristan Swan (45:45)
Right.

Kathleen Flanagan (45:52)
rid of some of it when it was overloaded. And now that the liver, so now the lymphatic is going through the liver and it's going through and everything's just flowing beautifully. Well, that's how we take in knowledge. That's how we live our life. That's what we do. We're just, we just need to get into the flow of life and our bodies is the perfect manifestation. We created our bodies to be what they are. It is the first thing we ever manifested in our life.

Kristan Swan (46:01)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (46:22)
And if we can remember how we manifested this, yes, it was in a spirit world, but we are still spirit embodied. We get back into that freedom, that flow and allow and stop the fighting, the resisting, the, you know, letting somebody trigger you, take responsibility for what happened to you and change and get off the stage, as I like to put it, get out and become the observer.

Kristan Swan (46:34)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (46:51)
watch what's playing out, because that's what I do when I start going up, you know, the Tasmanian devil arrives. I'm like, OK, get off the stage. Let's sit back and see what's what's causing this, because it's always something being triggered inside. And that's when you take responsibility. That's why my nervous system is calming down. That's why I don't need to have wine anymore to just I need it just to calm down because I'm a little, you know, just to stop my own head craziness. I'm not feeling that.

Kristan Swan (47:04)
Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (47:21)
Do you know how powerful that feels? My emotions are still a little crazy. Don't get me wrong. But I feel calm on the inside. I'm not like this on the inside anymore, like I'm shaking up Coke bottle ready to pop.

Kristan Swan (47:26)
you

Yeah.

Right. Well, and I really, I think what is the piece that, you know, in terms of, you know, some people are gonna think, gosh, I don't know that I can do a detox. know I, you know, don't, there's, and what I will say is this is where that conversation

with myself and my ability to get honest with myself and is when I could start making those significant changes in my life and really get out of these situations that I was ⁓ participating in and creating by my choices.

that were so out of alignment with the person that I wanted to be or that I really knew myself to be. And that there is, I think maybe one of the hard things in our current environment and with the kind of the culture that we live in is that there is so much external information and instruction, right?

⁓ that it's hard to sit down and, and have a real honest conversation with yourself. Right. And so that's, and I, and I, what I love about journaling is that it's a great place to have that honest conversation and to be, you know, in, in my spaghetti on the wall journal, I really talk about.

journaling about, I use it every day. So journaling about, I do it in the morning. So I'm journaling about the day before. And that very first part, I am, I'm putting myself in that place of being a non-judgmental observer, right? ⁓ Taking myself off the stage. And so I can just, and then I can start unpacking the day. You know, I can kind of look at those moments that were those real moments of beauty or grace or

for me those moments that were sticky and kind of a little scratchy or just flat out horrible. And then I can then it's like I've also kind of eliminated so much noise that I can then do some real kind of just I don't even know what's gonna come up, right? Cause I just

At that point, I'm then in this place of connection with myself that who knows what's gonna appear as I write for a little while longer. But it's, I do think it's so difficult to...

to just.

say this is how I really feel or this is what I really want for myself.

Kathleen Flanagan (50:59)
I think it's just in the expression, because the book, Stancing Souls, was my journey of an awakening. it was about every morning I got up and I journaled about the day before. Spirit came in, messages came in. I got to observe my life in a way that I didn't know. And it was through that. And this detox seemed like the next proper evolutionary step. A year ago, never entered my consciousness. wasn't part of

Kristan Swan (51:13)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (51:29)
anything. But somewhere in December, January, when it happened, it was I was talking to a friend and she said, boy, I wonder what they want you to learn out of this. Because that seems really odd that they're asking you to do this now of like all times and like now. You know what I mean? And I said, I don't know. And I just trusted the process. And this isn't for the faint of heart. And I have a lot of people watching me right now. And most people are like,

Kristan Swan (51:44)
Right, right.

Kathleen Flanagan (51:58)
I don't know if I could do what you're doing because and I'm not always nice. I get a little cranky, but I'm OK with it because this is what the ego looks like when it's no longer in power. I'm in control and journaling is it was the journaling in 2008 that started this journey that I'm on today. So.

Kristan Swan (52:14)
Right, right, yeah.

Kathleen Flanagan (52:26)
Even though I may have this end result of who I think I am, I far already far surpassed her many times. And that's the joy of journaling. It's just time to just be with you. What do I think? How do I feel? And even if you don't know, just write about how, whatever it is, you know, it's cause sometimes it's hard to put in words what we're feeling, but you get better the more you do it.

Kristan Swan (52:48)
Yes. Yes.

The more you do it for sure. And it's funny that you say that sometimes you just can't put into words. in last year, towards the end of the year, I was definitely having these moments when I was sitting down to do my regular journaling practice, which is writing. And I was just like, ⁓ there's just like, a sentence doesn't, it's too slow. doesn't embody everything that I want to say. that's when I...

created this new journal that's called Heart Mapping. so that is this modality of you start by taking a few breaths, checking in with yourself. And then instead of writing, it's about putting pen, pencil, crayon, whatever, to paper and doing a continuous line drawing and releasing and

Kathleen Flanagan (53:47)
Hmm

Kristan Swan (53:51)
It's not about creating something representational. ⁓ really is that just putting, just keeping that instrument in contact with the paper. And the way that I have the instructions in the book, in the journal is, and then you release when you feel like you've got enough. And then there is a facing page to your...

the continuous line page where if it's kind of, it's for you. If you need more journaling ⁓ through a line drawing, you can draw some more. If it's now you're ready to journal with words, you can do that. you, a dream came to mind and you want to document, ⁓ you know, remember a dream or, you know, if you just realized I need to make a list of

everything I want to get done this week, then let it be that, right? that there is, I really, I love what we're kind of both coming to here, which is, you know, these different ways that we allow for real, ⁓

connection with ourselves and presence and that the timing is going to be so different for every single person.

Kathleen Flanagan (55:27)
Yeah,

it definitely is. And with that, are out of time. We have definitely gone longer than I'm used to going in a long time. But, you know, this was such a great conversation. And I love there how we went down a place that was deep and yet it was very real and grounded at the same time because

I think journaling helps to get rid of some of the head trash that we have. And even if it's all about just brain dumping in the beginning, then that's perfect because we got to get it out to see it because there's so much noise that we can't see through it. So Kristen, how can people get ahold of you?

Kristan Swan (55:59)
Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Well, come to my website. It's christenswan.com and there's different resources there. ⁓ also, I mean, if you're on social media there, you can find me on Instagram and at KristinSwan. But the website, christenswan.com is a great place to see kind of everything that's happening.

Kathleen Flanagan (56:38)
Well, I want to thank you so much, Kristen, for joining me today. This was such a surprising conversation from where it was when I started thinking I lost my notes when I didn't. ⁓ yeah, the chaoticness of trying to get this thing up and running and we can't hear each other. So Mercury retrograde at its finest. And some of you know what that means. Some of you don't, but that's okay. But I want to thank all of you for joining. And if you found any value, then please feel free to like and share the podcast.

Kristan Swan (56:42)
Thank you.

you

Kathleen Flanagan (57:09)
Kristen's information will be on the page so you can get her in the show notes if you need to see or reach out to her, then please do so. And you can also, I'd love for you to join my community at Iamthelightsanctuary.com on the school platform and from my heart to yours, I hope you all have a fabulous week.

Kristan Swan (57:16)
No.