Everyone Leans On You But....

Kathleen Flanagan (00:02)
There is a role many women fall into without even realizing it. She's the strong friend. She's the one everyone calls when things fall apart, the one who gives the advice, the one who listens for hours, the one who always shows up. She remembers the details of everyone's life, birthdays, breakups, holiday scares, work stress. She holds space for everyone.

but something strange starts to happen when you become that person. No one checks on you, not because people don't care, but because you look like you have it all handled. You look steady, capable, grounded, and slowly, quietly, something begins to grow underneath that role, loneliness.

Not the kind that comes from being alone, the kind that comes from being surrounded by people who don't really see you anymore. Because the strong friend doesn't fall apart. The strong friend fixes things. The strong friend helps everyone else heal. But today I want to talk about the hidden costs of being that person and why the strongest women in the room is often the one who feels

the most alone. And if you're the strong friend everyone leans on, but you feel exhausted, come join us at school.com forward slash I am the light sanctuary forward slash about. The community is free and you can download the seven step guilt free rest protocol in there as well.

Hello everyone and welcome to the journey of an awakening spirit. This is Kathleen Flanagan and I am your host. So no one officially gives you the title, The Strong Friend. It just happens gradually. You become the one who keeps the group together, solves the problems, offers the wisdom, holds emotional space, and people begin to lean on you. And at first it feels meaningful. You feel valuable.

needed, but over time something shifts. Support starts flowing in one direction, outward, and very little comes back to you.

Most women learned this role slowly. They discovered that being capable, responsible, and emotionally steady created safety in their world. So they became the one who handled things. They handled emotions, they handled problems, and they handled chaos. But the side effect is this. When you become the one who handles everything, people stop imagining you might need help.

to not because they don't care, but you train them not to see it. If you're the one that everyone leans on and you're quietly exhausted from caring at all, I want you to know that you don't have to do that alone anymore. I created the free community in school.com forward slash I am the light.com. am the light sanctuary for women exactly like you. And you can join us there. You can be around the people who understand what it's like to be the strong one.

And I'm guilty of that. I've always said that I have been the rock of Gibraltar. I have always known that people don't think I need help and support when in actuality I really do. A lot of times I need it probably more than most people realize because I am carrying such a burden. And not a burden of what happened in my life and not a burden of anything else, but for the reason that I chose to be here on this planet. And I understand that more and more.

And, you know, I was talking to my sister yesterday, because it was really weird, because we never talked to each other, except for birthdays and maybe Thanksgiving and Christmas and or Christmas. And. I was so surprised to hear from her. And we just had a casual conversation and she was giving me the so-called latest gossip in the family, because I don't know anything that goes on in the family, because I don't care about what goes on in the family, because I walked away from them a long time ago.

and it was the best decision I ever made. But what came out of that conversation aside from all everything else, she shared some things with me that I never knew.

And it left an impression on me in ways that surprised me. But it also allowed me to see she's the other one who's a strong woman. Everybody goes to mom, everybody goes to her. She solves problems, she handles crisis, she deals with crap all the time.

She's angry, she's bitter. She has what every person would want in their life and she's miserable. And she's always been that way. And I understand why she's that way because I've been the same way. Even Sal says, when are you just gonna be happy? And I work through this. But what was interesting about learning and talking to her yesterday was learning something I didn't know about my family, because both my parents are dead and they took everything to the grave. Most of what I got, I got from spirit.

because they would never own it, admit it. But the one thing that there were always questions that I had, things I didn't fully understand, and as children of our parents, we'd never know their relationship. I mean, we know what we see, we know what we think we see, but we don't know them, we don't know why they are, we don't understand their relationship, and so on and so forth. But the one thing that I did know is that when my mother died, my father was genuinely hurt.

The other thing that I know is that my father loved my mother. She was the one for him period, end of story, but my mother was not that person. My mother was not a nice person. And when my sister told me some things about what my mother said to her, I learned those things when I put her in the ground. And she was talking about that she's tired of being angry, she's tired of carrying this, she's tired of trying to understand.

Then she let me know that she was very angry at the family because nobody reached out to her when a very horrible thing happened to her. And I told her, said, first of all, I didn't hear about it for a year. And this is the version I heard, which was not even the truth at all, at all. And I'm sit there and I've been sitting there with this kind of sit, just pondering it because.

For me, this is an opportunity to go deeper because this is another reason why I became the strong one, the dependable one, the one everybody can call on because I know how to handle so much garbage. But it came to a price for me. It came to a price of anger. It came to a price of resentment. It came to what's wrong with me. Why does nobody see me? Why? And I was angry. And you can tell there's still emotional charge here. I mean, this is surprising to me right now as well. But she triggered some things

to go deeper into understanding that not only was I damaged and she was damaged, I know the whole family was damaged, but not to the extent that I experienced. And hers is different. And I get that. We all came in for different reasons. We all chose these people for a reason. And I get that. And then discovered that one of my sisters basically told the family to go F off, which I thought.

I thought that was great. It was like, really? She did that? I never thought in a million years she would find a pair of balls and do that. Really, truly. I said that and I believe that. So bravo to you, little sister.

Anyways.

I know that my sister doesn't want to be how she is and she doesn't understand and I understand her anger and I understand her rage, but there's a lot of work that we each and every one of us have to do on ourselves and it's very difficult, painful work to do.

And I also know that part of the reason I learned to be this kind of person was one, at one time my mother was kind of that strong, capable person, but it turned out that my mother really wasn't. She transferred all of her garbage onto all of us and she would fall apart. My mother laughed through situations. And so people would be like, if either was a tragedy or something, I would laugh because they didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to handle that emotion. Thank God I don't laugh through shit like that anymore. Thank God.

because I thought it was really dysfunctional at 16 years old and yet I was doing it because I didn't know what else to do. Because we, you know, we do what our parents do. They teach us, we watch how they respond.

And I've always said, what would life be like if I wasn't in a dysfunctional family? And my sister actually said that yesterday too. What would it been like? What would my life have been like had we not been in such a dysfunctional family and we have spent a lifetime? Now my sister raised some really amazing boys. I love her sons because she made them just not put up with any garbage. None. I mean, and they don't and they defend her to the

to no end against my family. And I think that is so admirable that she did that. So as angry as she is and as crazy as she feels and as bitter as she feels, she did something right because she's got amazing boys that came out of her. And maybe not, she didn't give them the legacy that my parents gave us.

But the whole point of realizing this was more dots were connected. And I wonder a lot.

What would have been like? Because when I turned, when I was in my 40s, I realized there was a tip two to tango and my mother always badmouthed my father. It never stopped. It never, ever, ever stopped, ever.

And I realized in my 40s that when it takes two to tango that there's another side of this story and I don't know what it was. And then I remembered these are things that came up again just from my sister's conversation this morning that my father had sent me a birthday card somewhere along the line before I walked away from my family. And he wanted me to forgive him, which I had. I have forgiven my father on so many levels and now there's a whole new level up to.

to go further into because there's something deeper inside because I know there's a block inside. And I was like, but I did forgive you because he said, you don't know the truth. But see, my father's too much of an alcoholic and my father was, I didn't like being in his presence because it was just icky being around my father. And people who actually experienced what my father's like when he's around me were like, this is gross. And it's like, you think? So.

The only reason I would want to see my father again is to know the truth. But I knew I couldn't stand being in his presence. And I know that he was an alcoholic and he would never say anything and he would never share it. Because I know that there was something really devastating and tragic that happened to my father that caused a lot of this. But what I do know now is my mother's the one who started all of it. I know what my mother did to me.

I know what and what my mother said to my sister. I was appalled at so I just felt it. I didn't have to know it or hear it. I discovered it when she died, but.

The whole point is that those were all the circumstances of how I took control because I felt like I had no control in my life. So I had to take control, I had to be the adult, I had to do all these things just to try to save my own life. And believe me, there were many, many, many times I did not want to live, I can't even tell you. And the last one was when my father died.

I was like so over life at that moment and everything was moving in the right direction for me. Everything was going good. I had changed so much, but I couldn't get there that whatever that thing with my father was, was still there and it got triggered again, but not this time for just my dad. It was both my mother and my father because of a truth that came out that I didn't even know. My father told my sister for whatever reason,

She's the only one that knows that and she shared it with me and I was dumbfounded. I had no idea. And I think that's part of what my father was trying to tell me many, many years ago. But he didn't. That man never bad mouthed my mother, not once. It explains a lot why my relatives on my father's side don't like my mother and didn't like my mother.

I knew there were some reasons, I found out even more yesterday was even more reason. So that woman was just really, was disliked and I had no idea why. And now I'm seeing more and more because of what my mother did. And thank you God, I did not turn into that woman. Thank you God, I did not do that. I don't know of any of my sisters.

who turned into what my mother was. I do have a sister who's about as egotistical as it comes, and she thinks she's the only smart one on the planet and whatever, and yeah, whatever. That's her delusion and she can have it. She doesn't have any of us around anymore either. She's a very lonely woman in my opinion too. But the whole point is that when we become that strong woman, and then when we're looking for help, because when we need help, we really do need help. And when I got out of my way to ask for help,

and I wasn't getting it, I had to ask the question, why are you not helping me when I'm asking? Well, you're capable, you'll figure it out, you always do. That's not the answer. I had to train people. If I'm asking, I'm in a desperate situation. And when I got my hair done last week when I talked about this initially last week, my hairdresser apparently

is the strong one in her family too. And I simply asked her, said something to her and she said, nobody ever helps me either. I mean, she just, it was like the instant response. I asked her a question and it was the instant response of nobody helps me. Nobody supports me because she's the strong one.

Most of us women, we just think that's what we're supposed to be and be that person and we're not. Yes, we deal with life, we deal with death, that's who we are. We manage the families, we rear the families, but we always had a community of support around us.

We don't have that in this society anymore. Thank God in my community and the alive community that I'm in, I am finding and meeting people that are just like me, that are helping each other. Women are coming together and we're building ourselves up. We're supporting each other and they could be my competitors because when I read their profiles, it's like, my God, that's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. But they're doing it in a different way than me. That's the beauty of it. That's the beauty of it.

And I've always believed in that. I've always talked about that. But people don't always get that because we're so about me against them and us and the competition, the hate that's on this planet. And it's got to stop.

How do you wanna be treated? How do you wanna feel? When do you bring your boundaries down? When do you really ask for help? And when do you tell people, I mean it, when I say I need help, you need to friggin' listen to me.

Because if they're not going to, you know what I suggest? Make them leave or you walk out the door one of the two and believe me, I have done both. Because if you can't help me when I'm asking, then what kind of a friend are you? You're not, you're a leech. That's how I see it. I don't care how drastic it is or how harsh it is. In my opinion, that's what it is because they're sucking the life out of me and they're taking everything they can get from me and giving nothing in return.

that defies the law of giving and receiving. So as long as I'm giving, I'm not receiving.

And I had to break that cycle. And as long as I'm the strong one, the dependable, the rock of Gibraltar kind of person, I'm not getting what I need because I am being the one that's out there saying, look at me, I've got the sword flying, I can handle it, I can handle everything. Well, no, I can't. And when I finally owned that, life changed.

Because what happens is we start building a resentment. And you can hear it in my voice that this is something that is still very much triggered in me. And I understand now more why it's triggered in me because this is so ingrained and it's so deep and it's not just this lifetime. I've been probably carrying this around for many, lifetimes.

So when things started to surface and it was in the quiet thought, just like I was having a conversation with my sister yesterday, it was, why am I always the one showing up for everyone else and no one shows up for me? Do you know how much that hurt when I finally asked that question to myself? It didn't feel good. I took responsibility of why I did it.

but it still hurt because nobody was strong enough to want to just stop and help me. So when I say I have a handful of friends, I literally mean I have a handful of friends that if I'm hurting, I call them, they will answer the phone. Not everybody in my life will do that. Everybody else has got their life is a little too busy because what they don't know yet is that when I'm calling asking for help, I really frigging need help. And so you know what that does in my mind?

and this is bad and I get that, it's a check mark, okay? That's one.

Do it again, it's like, okay, that's second time they've done that. Happens a third time, I'm gone. No questions, nothing, I just vanish.

because I realize it's a one-sided relationship at that moment. And when it's one-sided like that, I'm the one suffering, not them, I am.

I understand how I operate. That's why I give people three chances. Because if they're not going to do it by the third one, they're never going to do it.

And you know, I love the people in my life. I really truly do. I am always monitoring them on a higher frequency level, so to speak. And there is an ache when I can't connect with them too. But when the world gets heavy,

Sometimes I don't even know who to call.

And I've done that recently where it's like something happened and it's like, who do I call? Sometimes I forget some of the closest friends that I have because I'm not in contact with them all the time. And I understand a lot of this, but I shouldn't have to be that person of who do I have? Who can I call? Because in my mind, everybody's so friggin busy.

and their life is so much more important that they forget that there's still a human being who's crying out for help. I have always done my best that I don't care how busy I am. If you need me, I am there for you and I will always be there for you because I know what it feels like not to be there.

when somebody's too busy for you. I know that pain, I know that ache, I know how it hurts.

so I end up carrying it alone.

And then the strong friend now is the lonely friend. So do you have any friends really? Well, you know, these are bitter truths. These are things you have to look at and feel. But the shift is really not about abandoning your strength. That's the main thing. It's allowing yourself to exist outside of that role. And strength doesn't mean you never need support. It means you're honest enough to admit when you do.

And sometimes healing starts with something very small. So letting someone see when you're tired, letting someone hold the space for you, not fixing everything, not carrying everything, just being human again. And when I started to allow myself to be that person is when I started to see that people can come into my life and

and I quit being so harsh. I still do the three, don't get me wrong, I still do the three. I'm not probably ever gonna change that. think that's just one of those paradigms that's inside of me that will never leave because to me, three times is a good chance. You know, because it's, what is it? The first time, on me, the second time, shame, or shame on you the first time, second time, shame on three, me, shame on me, and the third time,

Either you do something about it or you don't. And that's where I go. I am forgiving, I am understanding. And then if I say something like, really needed to talk to you and you weren't available. And I say it not in a blameful way, not in any other way. Just saying I called for a reason and it was like, my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't even think about it.

because sometimes we just need to let other people know that there's another human on the other side of the phone that really desperately needs to talk to them, talks to you. Give them that opportunity. I give people grace all the time. And when I went through this the last time where I'm like, who do I talk to? Who do I talk to right now? And what I did is I actually reached out to a woman that I was on her podcast last year.

and she lives in England and we sat there and talked probably two to three hours. So it was like two or three o'clock in the morning by the time she went to bed. And I totally forgot about her being in England and the time difference. And we had the best conversation because it was like, I'm here for you. I created this little community I'm putting together because of what you said about.

how lonely you are because nobody's there for you. And I'm like, my God, a woman who actually like does and heard and that kind of thing. And it was such a beautiful gift because I didn't judge anybody who was not available for me. I just kept going, who can I call? Who can I call? Who can I call? And spirit answered. But I also gave her the opportunity so I can receive because she needs to give to is that giving and receiving.

And it's so beautiful when we can do that for each other. No judgment, no anything, just who can I call? And then what kind of a relationship did we start because of that? It was absolutely amazing. I mean, we solved the world problem, so to speak. mean, she, of what we went to and talked about, because we talked about the king, we talked about Trump, we talked about all sorts of things about how we're observing our neck of the woods, what the media is telling us about the other side of the world.

And it's not what we're hearing and being and living in. So it's kind of fun. So I think that's gonna be the biggest shift is communities and people talking to each other from across the world is when we start taking back control of our life and start realizing that the media is one that's perpetuating the self-hate that's going on.

So if you're the strong friend, you are not alone in feeling this way. And you don't have to earn love by being the one who holds everything together. You deserve support and you deserve to be seen too. And sometimes the strongest thing a woman can do is stop pretending she's fine. Put that in your pipe and smoke it for a little while.

Because when I quit saying I was fine and people said, you doing? I said, well, you know, I'm not actually doing so well. I'm kind of feeling this. People don't know how to respond to that, but you know what? I gave them the truth and I gave them something to think about and I got them out of there what they're so used to hearing from me. You want to mess up somebody's head? Do that. And you think you're negative, but you're not. You're trying to be honest about where you are. Because if I'm tired, so what if I'm tired?

I'm still talking to you. I'm still moving in my life. I'm just feeling a little tired or drained and who cares? It's what it is.

But before you go, I want you to remember something.

If you're the one who depends on the one, if you're the one everyone depends on, the one who holds everything together, the one who always shows up for everyone else, you deserve support too. And if something in this conversation felt familiar, and if you recognize it in yourself,

I created a space just for you. You can find it in school.com forward slash I am the light sanctuary forward slash about. It's a free community. There are like minded people in there that believe in supporting each other and helping each other and growing. And even if you just need to just vent and dump it out, then do that.

because that's the one thing I'm starting to do is every morning I'm just like, here's what I'm kind of getting of what happened yesterday. Like it's almost like a journal, but it's about going deeper and finding that the right people. So you're aligned because it's about getting into alignment with who you are. And it's about knowing that you don't have to be the strong one all the time. That will be the greatest gift you give yourself.

If there's anything that you found that you found value in it, feel free to like and subscribe this or give this link to a friend that you know who might need to hear this as well. I wanna thank you for your time. I really do appreciate that. I know how our time is such a commodity and it's so precious anymore. And by you opening your heart for me, I open my heart to you to allow you to have a sacred space where you can feel safe again.

I will see all of you next Tuesday at 4 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And from my heart to yours, I hope you have a fabulous week.