Coming Home at Last: Living Whole, Free, and True to Who You Are

Kathleen Flanagan (00:02)
Hello everyone. I want to begin by asking you a question. Have you ever felt like you've been running and running, doing everything right on the outside, but still carrying a quiet emptiness on the inside? I know that feeling. For a long time, I'd lived it. I played the roles, did the work, achieved the goals, and smile when I was supposed to. And yet, when I was alone with myself, there was an

whisper inside of me saying, this isn't it. Something's missing. Where am I in all of this? That whisper is the call home. Not the house you live in, but the home inside your soul. The place where you feel whole, free, true to be who you are. Today, we're going to walk that journey together. Take a breath with me.

And let's open our hearts to the possibility that coming home is not about fixing yourself. It's about remembering who you already are. Hello everyone and welcome to the journey of an awakening spirit. This is Kathleen Flanagan, your host.

Most of us start life wide open, curious, and true to ourselves, but somewhere along the line, we put on mass. We become the responsible one, the strong one, the perfect one. We meet expectations, collect achievements, and keep up appearances, and the world applauds. But beneath that mask is often another story, a story of exhaustion,

of loneliness, of feeling like an imposter in your own life. I want you to think about this. Where in your life have you been performing instead of living?

I'll tell you a story. I once thought if I accomplished enough, the emptiness

Inside would go away. But no matter how much I did. How polished I looked, how well I kept it together, that ache never left. I had to learn that the ache wasn't a flaw. It's a messenger. It was calling me back home. And maybe you felt that too. A quiet ache, the restlessness that says there has to be more than this. That is your soul knocking at the door.

And I know for me, I've spent a long time learning and trying to understand who I am, what did I think, how did I feel. And even though I understood the world of paradigms and I was working through moving into that phase of my life to where I could not be in my own way, I knew there was a point that I never quite made it.

to see where that came from. I always thought it was eight, turns out it was about 11, 12 years old. My grandmother had died.

and I received a beating that I had never, it was unbelievable to me all because I was playing with matches. And the pain that I went through and the anger and the rage that I felt, that that's when I changed. Because I was this little girl who was just a happy-go-lucky, was happy with the world. Life was good.

And that's not how it went because after that, as I got older, then there was that point of my father who...

Sick man, very sick man, who decided that he started lusting after me. And even though I didn't understand that because the world was still very naive to that type of thing, I just kept like, what is wrong? Like there was this icky feeling that was always around me. And I couldn't understand what that was.

but I kept looking over my shoulder and I kept trying to figure out what was going on in my life. So again, I became, because of being enraged on the beating and now I'm feeling this, I got so depressed and very suicidal and I didn't want to live. I really truly did not want to live. I just, thought this was a horrible world and it was just mean and if I had to live my parents' life, I would rather be dead.

And so I set out on a suicide mission. That was what I intended to do. So I got into drugs and as a result of that, I ended up in a drug rehab and I couldn't understand a lot of things, but I got through it and I started to change my life around and I got into metaphysical stuff and it wasn't really out there to the degree that it is today. So what I found, it was pretty profound stuff.

and I was having my own personal experiences, but I always knew that there was so angry and I didn't know how to speak back then. I really truly didn't. When I spoke, I vomited because I didn't know what I was thinking. I didn't know what I was feeling. I just knew that I felt rage all the time. And when I finally had my fill of it, I was like a little baby that just vomited and ranted and raved and screamed and pushed people away.

And I always knew there was something deeper down in there that's causing this, but I had been told so many lies about what a God awful person, why wouldn't, why didn't you kill yourself when you had the opportunity? I mean, I couldn't believe people were actually saying this crap to me.

And it was all okay. It just added and perpetuated to a lot of things. And I just wanted to be so different. I was so tired of being this person, of putting on, and I mean, I have so many achievements under my belt, I can't even tell you, and I never gave it one iota of credibility, none. I went into a woman's leadership and this woman read,

Like she wrote this thing about me and all my accomplishments and I was blown away. Other women there had MBAs and didn't even acknowledge that. I mean, this is how bad this generation was as far as just trying to hold ourselves together and trying to live up to the American dream. What a mask, what torture. And I finally decided that I didn't want to work for lawyers anymore and I wanted to start my own business. And that's when the work really started because when you work for yourself,

you start discovering a lot of things of what your belief systems are. And I knew that I had a lot of issues around money. And so I worked through a lot of those issues and I discovered a lot of things and I still, mean, I became a master at a lot of things. I studied and I taught people about aromatherapy. When I got into CBD, I really researched that. It was years after everything came in, but I didn't care because I...

I needed to learn what was behind it because it saved a little kitten that I had that he had died anyways of leukemia, but it saved his life and gave him two more weeks where he wasn't suffering as much. And I'm just like, when am I going to figure out why I'm doing? Cause I felt like a Jaclyn of all trades. I was going here, I was going here, I was going here. And the one thing it was is that even though we need money and I may have wanted money, people were more important to me than money.

And people have always been more important to me than money. And even though I don't trust people, and I understand why I don't trust people, because of what happened to me as a child. And I'm moving through all of that. This is a work in progress, that's the thing, is we're still always a work in progress. And I'm in the perfect place right where I'm supposed to be. I've been...

there's this angst inside of me and I think there's got to be a major breakthrough getting ready to come on because I am just so full of anger and rage right now. And it's like nobody's really doing anything. mean, things are happening, but it's not enough to get me to the place that I feel this all the time. So I'm breathing through it and sometimes that's all we can do. And I'm not denying the emotion that I'm feeling. I'm feeling it, I'm experiencing it.

I'm moving through it, I'm trying to understand where this is coming from. I'm sure part of it's the books that I'm reading about the right use of will. And I'm on the sixth book now and all it does is it just, there's this, because we have to own our emotions. We have to come back into our authentic selves. And I know a lot of times we don't know what that is and we're trying to find our way back. And as we come back from these dark,

places and we have to look at it. I don't say you have to relive it, but you know, if there's an emotion that you're tied to and you don't understand where it came from, you you have to go back to that circumstance. And yes, it's painful and it's ugly and it's messy, but there's so much freedom on the other side when you stop allowing that paradigm to run your life and you take control. And it's not easy because it gets grumpy.

So what does it look like to answer that call for you? To begin your journey back home. First, it's about acceptance. For years, I thought I had to fix myself, heal everything, perfect everything, but becoming home means you accepting yourself right where you are. Messy, wounded, beautiful. You're still worthy of love.

Even though I'm in this particular area, I believe that I still am worthy and deserving of love. I know that. I know that I am still loved regardless of how I feel on the inside. I'm accepting where I'm at. I don't necessarily like it, but you know, when you start living long enough, you start realizing it's always gonna, it's temporary. This stuff is temporary.

Secondly, it's about alignment. Living not by what the world says success looks like, but what your soul says matters. Your values, your truth, your path. And I think part of what's going on is that I feel like I don't know where I belong yet. Like what is my message? And even though I know what my message is, it's like I'm not saying it right or something. And you know, there's something that I'm.

not dialed in, haven't gone deep enough, not sure what it is, but I'm working through it. And the reason when you do that, you bring in more light into your body when you're doing that, when you're going deeper inside of you and really looking at whatever's down there that's just making you go, you know, being the Tasmanian devil, find it, be in it, love it, breathe through it.

Ask what you need to learn from this. What are you trying to tell me? I mean, I'll go to bed sometimes and this one is like, I feel like I'm sitting on perpetual ignore is what it feels like right now because right now I have to experience and just release it. So it's like, okay, so I'll just go around the house by myself. I'll cook, I'll clean, I'll do whatever because that helps to get rid of some of the angst that I feel.

but I'm just going to be okay with it. That doesn't mean I'm gonna be nasty when Sal comes home or kick the cat or anything else like that. I'm just being very patient on the inside with myself, even though that's not how I feel, it's what I'm doing. Because if I want something different, I have to do something different. And that's what Courtney and I have even been talking about. What I was like a year ago, six months ago, I'm not that same person.

I'm constantly doing things differently and it is very uncomfortable to do, but you know what? I'm going to do it anyways because I want something different in my life. And then third, it's about the awakening, realizing that you're not alone. Spirit, source, God, whatever you give it, it's always been with you, guiding you, and waiting for you to listen. So let's do a short practice together.

Close your eyes if you'd like.

Imagine yourself standing before a door. On the other side is your true home. The place inside where you are whole, free, and true.

Take a breath and open the door.

Step inside.

Feel what it's like to be home within yourself.

Notice the peace, the warmth, the sense of belonging.

Now gently open your eyes. That place you visited, it's not a fantasy. It's already inside of you.

Excuse me. So how do you live from that place? How do you make coming home not just a moment, but a way of life? To live whole means you welcome all parts of yourself, the strong parts, the broken parts, the hidden parts. Nothing is left outside that door. And that's what I'm talking about and that's what I'm experiencing right now. I'm bringing all these

disassociated parts back home. And we do that. If we don't like something, we bury it or we get rid of it. We try to get, know, I don't want this, so I'm just going to throw it away. Well, that's a part of you being thrown away because you put a judgment on it. And those pieces have to come home so you can become that whole complete person because you are a whole complete person. And no matter what you think or what you feel or how

you're experiencing life, that's your interpretation of life. And it's perfect, that's the way it's supposed to be, that's the gift you bring. Whatever that gift is you have for us, we need you for that. So even though people might not necessarily like me, because I'm passionate, they call me angry, but it's passion, that's their issue. If that's what they see, that's something that they have to look at, because we're mirrors to each other.

We're always a mirror.

And when we get to look at that mirror.

Because I remember there was a woman who worked for me and she kept calling me a fraud. And I'm like, I'm not a fraud. And why do you keep saying that? I'm not a fraud. And she kept saying that. And I kept asking, why is she saying that? Because I'm not a fraud. And it turns out she was the fraud. She was picking up whatever she was doing and she was calling me the fraud when I wasn't. And it surprised me because it was like,

Because I'm like, okay, well, I don't think I'm a fraud. I feel like I'm being everything that I'm supposed to be. Now, yes, was I still hiding? Yeah, a little bit. Probably more than I am now, but I didn't know I was hiding. But I wasn't being fraudulent. Everything I said, I was speaking from my truth, not her truth, my truth. And sometimes we have to learn to accept other people's truths. And I remember one day, years and years ago, I was sitting in the living room with

my business partner and we were having a conversation. He was saying, you know, I'm being guided to blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just looked at him and I went, my God, we all have that quiet, still inner voice that talks to us. I don't need a psychic. He doesn't need a psychic. If we're listening to ourselves, we don't need psychics. And I remember because it's like, who makes me right and him wrong? No one. And it was such a profound awakening at that moment.

It was almost like it took so much pressure off of me. And I don't think I've ever been to a psychic since that moment because I realized that we all have that quiet, still voice. It's just, we choosing to listen to it or are we not? That voice protects you. It's your inner guidance. It tells you what you need to do and it's your choice because you have free will. It's your choice if you wish to do something and listen to the voice or if you choose not to, it's your choice. And it's not right or wrong, good or bad. It's just what is.

And when you can stop putting judgment on everything, you're gonna make your life a lot easier. Because the only one who judges you is you. And if somebody else is judging you, that's their crap. And you didn't invite them in and you don't have to take it on. I learned that. I learned I didn't have to take other people's crap on, even though they dumped it on me and I thought I had to do something with it and I finally said, no, I'm done with this. And I don't tolerate it anymore. It's called boundaries. You start establishing boundaries and protect

this part of you, your heart, your emotions, your physical wellbeing, I'm telling you, it makes a big difference in your life.

So to live free means you release the weight of other people's expectations and the fear that you're not enough.

If somebody thinks you're not enough, that's their problem. And you need to stand up for yourself and tell them to go take a hike because you don't need that crap in your life. And that's what I've learned. Excuse me, I don't have to put up with anybody's garbage. And if I do, it's my choice. And then I need to be responsible for the consequences instead of being the victim. You're not a victim. You created the life that you have.

Every bit of your life is what you created. Nobody created this for you, nobody did anything. This deal with my father and I, this was a contract that the two of us had. I'm going to get more details on that. I'm just not quite ready to go up there and figure it all out. But I understand that that was a contract that we made and he did his best to get me to where I am today. My mother, the same thing. My family, the same thing. I have nothing to do with my family because I don't like them.

I am not them. I don't want anything to do with them. After my mother's death, I got to see my family for what it really was, and it wasn't worth being around anymore. Because if anybody did the most damage to me, it was my family, and I walked away from them. Did it hurt? hell yes, it hurt. But you know what? I deserve better. And you know, I would have been nice to have a loving family, but I wasn't blessed with that in this lifetime. So you know what? That's okay. And I've learned to forgive that and move on.

because that's what we need to do is feel what you need to feel and then move on. You got bigger things to fry than dealing with, you know, the garbage of our dysfunctional families.

So to live true means that you show up as the real you and not the mask. You speak from your heart. You choose from your values. You've let your life reflect who you really are. And sometimes that's really hard to do, especially when you're in a very vulnerable place. And I was thinking about this the other day of when my father passed away in April, and I allow a couple of people to really see.

that dark side of where I was of grief and that vulnerability and I dealt with it. I mean, people walk away, people kicked me when I was down, when I was in those places and I had to learn to trust this and I opened up and shared it. And if they did that, then I would know what they were and I would walk away from them.

So those are the things is that you have to find that inner strength. You have to be able to allow yourself to feel and ask for help. Because for me, asking for help was a no can do, never gonna do that, uh-uh, no, sorry. I'd rather die than ask for help. And that's not what I did when my father died. This was part of this whole alignment process that I've been through is I'm learning to receive.

Because if we're not receiving, how are you going to receive love if you give, give, give, give, give and you're not receiving? It's giving and receiving called that for a reason. We need to receive as we give. You know, I need people to help me sometimes because I may be a rock of Gibraltar in my mind and people think that of myself too. And even though I'm not.

I need to receive and I'm going to fall, but I will come back up. And that's what we all do. We all do that. Life is not always easy. It challenges us, but that's who we learn to become the bigger version of us, the magnificence of who we are. So here are three simple practices to help you live with this every day. Morning, do a soul check-in.

Each morning ask yourself, what does my soul need today? And then listen for the answer. You can journal it, you can be with it, you can go into meditation, whatever it is, but just listen.

What does your soul need today? And you know, I asked that question probably without asking the question and I just follow what my day is. Like over this weekend, I did practically nothing. I was a boob all weekend. I needed to do that for me. I needed, because this angst is up and I'm feeling it, but I still had a barbecue and I still had friends over and it was still a nice weekend and it was beautiful out here in Colorado this weekend.

you know, but it was nice. It was like I did nice things for myself because I love having barbecues. I love doing things for the holidays, know, cooking and all of that. So it was nice. And I didn't beat myself up because I didn't do anything because sometimes we just need to just not move. This is about self care. And that's critical for us to do today. And then value alignment.

before making decisions, pause and ask, does this honor my values? I can't tell you how many times I do that. I mean, when Courtney said, let's go do this podcast on our book launch and I sat with it overnight and it was like, yeah, I think I could do this. I don't just jump at things. I don't say yes, I don't say no. It's like, let me just feel where this is. And I feel that my life is more congruent because I do that. And then create those safe,

places. Surround yourself with people in places where you don't have to wear a mask. I do that a lot. And it feels good to be that person.

I feel empowered when I do that.

So here's a reflection for you right now. What is one small step that you can take today to live truer to yourself?

Write it down.

Hold it in your heart and let it guide you this week.

I know these are all, they sound like they're simple things, but you know what? Most of us don't take the time to really check in with ourselves and to do this for ourselves. And the more you do this, it's a way to build that intuitive space. It's that place to start coming back home to you, to where you're feeling good about yourself, to where you discover that you really are a good person and you're worthy and you're deserving.

That doesn't mean life is gonna stop. It doesn't mean you're still gonna have angst. You know, you're gonna have issues with the kids or your spouse or coworkers. But if you take your power back and you change how you operate, then the world's gonna change around you for that. And I've talked about this before is when I decided I was, Cassell's always happy. He's always laughing and I'm like, what is so funny all the time with him? And I just kind of observe him to understand

what it is. And laughing is so good for the soul anyways, and things change when we're having fun and being childlike. And I decided I was going to learn how to start being happier and laugh. So when my cats are trying to get my attention and they're doing antics, I learned to laugh instead of, isn't that cute? And just really start participating a little bit more. And what I discovered is that the world showed kindness back. It laughed.

back. It was nice. It was how you doing? And I'm like, why are you talking to me? And I realized I created that. it's whatever you think about yourself, how you feel about yourself, that really does reflect in the world. And this is one way to take your power back.

So I want to leave you with this truth. Coming home is not about striving or fixing. It's about remembering. You are already whole. You are already free. You are already true.

So let's close together with an affirmation. You can say this out loud or silently in your heart. I am home.

I am Hall.

I am free. I am true. Take a breath.

and feel that truth settling in.

I wanna thank you for sharing the sacred space with me. May you walk forward from here knowing you are finally home. If you wanna learn more about me, you can go to KathleenMFlanagan.com and there's a lot of services there. I have a light activation guide that's free. It'll be in the show notes. It's just little simple things that you can do just to help yourself move through the path that you're on.

If you want to get be notified of when the next show is, then feel free to like and subscribe to the show. If you know somebody who might need to hear this, feel free to pass on the link. I really do want to help you and I do have a free 15 minute call. Feel free to go to my website and schedule a 15 minute call. And if you have any questions or you're struggling with something, I am more than happy to help you get through this.

because we all need a little help every now and then just to move through and to know that you're not alone on this path. So I wanna thank again, all of you for being here with me today. I will see you all next Tuesday at 4 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And from my heart to yours, I hope you have a fabulous week.