Why Saying No Feels Like Danger (It's Not Weakness)

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You know the moment someone asks you  something, your time, your energy,  

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a favor, and before your mind has even finished  weighing it, your your mouth has already said  

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yes. And then almost immediately that tight  sinking feeling, why did I just do that again?  

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If that's familiar, I want you to know something  before we go any further. That is not a character  

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flaw. That is your nervous system doing exactly  what it was trained to do. Today, we're going to  

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look at why. Welcome back to the show. Last week,  we talked about why real rest can feel dangerous.  

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This week, we're going one layer  deeper into why the boundary itself,   the actual word no, can feel  like stepping off a cliff.

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So, what I'd like to do is talk about when  something like that happened to me. And it  

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was actually when my husband ex-husband proposed  to me. He um we were going for custody of his  

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daughter. I think was around that time and  I just couldn't say yes at that moment. I I  

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had a lot of reservations. I was in a high stress  situation because we were driving back and forth  

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to Kansas to establish a relationship so we could  bring her back to Colorado. And I just couldn't  

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quite get around it. I so I just didn't answer  the question. And then as we proceeded doing  

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all of this with his child, there came a point  where she was living with us and it was strongly  

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suggested that we get married to establish, you  know, a safe, secure, solid foundation home.  

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So, we decided to do that and I said, "Okay." I  was okay with that. At the time, I was a nervous  

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wreck. I wanted her to feel welcomed and involved  in everything. So, she was a bridesmaid and she  

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went dress shopping with me and she helped me  with all of this because I really wanted to  

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make this work. what ended up happening after a  while because his in-laws, ex-in-laws were just  

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a real piece of work and they made me crazy and  they were and I know they were trying to get him  

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put into jail for sexual abuse and all this and  that was the last thing he would have ever done  

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to his child. and we we got married and I think it  was within a year after we got married I couldn't  

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take it anymore between what the family was doing,  what we were doing, how important it was and I  

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couldn't cope because I was 14 once and I know  what 14-year-old girls are like and we're little  

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demons and she was very demonic on so many levels  towards me and I even though I could understand  

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it. I was already in a fight or flight trying  to defend myself, trying to be a good person,  

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trying to be the people pleaser because I felt  like I was a failure. So I remember my husband

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doing, you know, just trying to be himself  and trying to navigate how to deal with me,  

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his new bride and his daughter. And so the  house was very stressful at that point. And  

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I just remember that I wasn't about to make him  make a decision. And so I remember I was like a   wounded animal in the corner of the kitchen just  crying hysterically if I can't do this anymore. I  

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just can't. I just can't. And I'm going to get  I'm asking for a divorce so you can have your  

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daughter cuz I would never make him choose. That  was how bad it was. And he got on the phone with  

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the lawyer and just basically said, "No, we're  done. Take her back. We're taking her back."  

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But we had conditions, but that didn't matter  because that family just came in and and just   did whatever they wanted to do and nobody ever  stopped them. So that was the main thing that  

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went on with that whole situation. And I remember  just feeling guilty and a failure and all of that  

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and not even understanding on on the backside  of what was really going on during that period  

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of time. But I I know that the day after I  got married, I realized that I had made the   the wrong decision. I knew that. I knew that it  wasn't going to work. I knew there was so many  

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things wrong. And it wasn't necessarily  with us as much as it was with me. So,

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we stayed married for about five and a half years  before we got divorced. And I was always doing  

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what I could because he had a very violent temper.  And I just remember always whatever he needed to  

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just keep him calm and keep him from that temper  flaring. So, you know, there was a lot of times  

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that I just became so much of a people pleaser  towards him to keep the peace because I couldn't  

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handle violence. I couldn't handle anger. I  couldn't handle his rage. I couldn't handle  

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his jealousy, his controlling nature. I couldn't  handle any of it. So, what did I do? I started  

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shrinking because a lot of times that's what  we do as people pleasers that we will sacrifice  

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ourselves to just not be tortured and to maintain  peace in the house. And and I didn't know so much  

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back then. I didn't know I was in a survival  mode. I didn't know I was dealing with trauma.  

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I didn't know any of that. And that's sometimes  the beauty of life is that we don't always know,  

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but we always wonder why am I doing this? Why am  I saying yes when I really want to say no? And I  

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never stopped to look at what that was because  I couldn't find it. That was the main thing is  

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sometimes we just can't find why we do the things  that we do. We're just seem to be like the devil  

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took over, so to speak, that we're doing things  out of habit and we're not doing anything because  

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it's what we want. It's how we feel. It's where  we want to go. So, we work on autopilot. And I  

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remember for years I used to say, "How do I know  what I don't know? How do I find what I what I'm  

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thinking that I'm not unaware I'm unaware of in  the subconscious unconscious part of the mind?   Because in order to change that, we have  to face it. Well, I didn't realize back  

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then that this was a nervous system response  action. And the only reason I know that today  

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is because after my father passed away, my  nervous system shut down and I was forced to  

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look at this. And so when I did that and I started  establishing boundaries when I lived in Chicago,  

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that was when the beginning of me starting  to heal the nervous system. not fully,  

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but they were beginning signs of moving into  that next place of healing because I because  

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a lot of times to just get people to stop  yelling, I would do whatever they wanted.  

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And that was when I started to put my foot  down to say no. And I needed I needed to

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just face everything and deal with it and just  find my value and my worth because a lot of times  

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we don't think that we are worthy and valuable and  that we should just be a doormat for somebody. and  

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that wasn't serving me and it doesn't serve  anyone and it doesn't add to healing what we  

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feel. So when we call this people pleasing and we  talk about it like it's a personality trait like  

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some people are just givers and some aren't.  And I want to push back on that today. This  

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isn't who you are. It's a trained response and it  lives in your body and it's not your character.  

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So, let's talk about where that training came  from. At some point, maybe many points over many  

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years, saying no cost you something real. Maybe  it cost you someone's approval. Maybe it cost you  

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the peace in a room. Maybe it cost you a sense  of belonging you couldn't afford to lose. and  

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your nervous system doing exactly what nervous  systems are built to do. Found the fastest,  

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most reliable way to keep you safe, keep everyone  else comfortable, even it cost you something  

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internally. That's not weakness. That's a survival  strategy that worked at least well enough,  

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often enough that your body kept using it. So,  here's the part I really want to land today. Your  

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body doesn't file this under social awkwardness.  It files it under danger. When you go to say no,  

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your body runs the same threat response it would  run if something in your environment were actually  

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unsafe. Tight chest, racing thoughts, the urge to  backpedal. That's not you being dramatic. That's a  

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very old alarm system. treating disapproval like  it's the same thing as danger because for a long  

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time in your history it functionally was. So I  want to bring this home a little bit more of an  

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observation of a friend, a so-called friend that  when I moved to Chicago, she offered me to stay  

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in her home. And when I arrived in Chicago, she  informed me that I wasn't staying with her. And  

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I was completely taken off guard. And I said,  "Okay, well then just tell me where a hotel is   and I'll just go stay at a hotel for the evening  or for for the next couple of days cuz I knew I  

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would find something fairly quickly. So, I wasn't  worried about that. It was just I needed a place   to land because I just drove like a thousand miles  from Colorado. I had like my clothes and my cats  

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and that was all I had. And she was like, "No, no,  no. I'm not going to have you do that." I said,  

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"It's not a problem." And I asked her why this was  going on. And she eventually told me later on that  

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she offered her home to somebody once before  and they never moved out. And I said, "Well,   that's not going to be me." Because I didn't want  to live with her any more than she wanted to live  

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with me. So that wasn't going to be the problem.  So what she had done in her own peopleleasing way,  

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she had turned around and asked a friend of hers  to put me up. Now, he didn't want to do this any  

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more than I wanted to go there, but she was very  insistent, very persuasive. And and the reason  

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I think she was so pers persuasive on this was  because she wanted to make sure that she was okay,  

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that we liked her, that she did a good thing,  and she could put her nervous system that was  

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on overactive, and she said yes when she wanted  to say no, and she found a way to back out of it.  

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So he sends up. So I end up going to his place and  it was very apparent I wasn't welcome. I didn't  

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want to be there. He locked the basement door so  I couldn't go upstairs. Not that I was ever going   to go upstairs. I had it was a walkout basement so  I was able to go into the basement and I was only  

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there a couple of nights because I was working I  found an apartment and I was working on getting it  

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kind of updated, painted, things like that. And I  would be come home like at 9 10:00 at night and I  

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would be out of the house by 7:00. The only thing  I did with there was sleep and take a shower. And  

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one day I came home and it was like 9 10:00  at night and the basement is flooded. And I I  

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didn't even know what to do. So I'm banging on the  basement door trying to get him to realize that   he's got to come down. And the first thing he does  is start yelling at me about how this is my fault.  

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and and I had said, "This is not my fault.  I don't know how this is my fault." Now,   they had come down and done laundry that day  because the washer was there, but it was my  

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fault. And at that moment, I just I picked up my  stuff. I picked up my cats and I left. It was like  

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I didn't want to be there. It wasn't my fault that  his basement flooded. I I mean, I was there what,   two nights? I I'm sorry. Two showers is not going  to flood a basement when I'm not even there. So he  

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um so I called the landlord and they had a spare  mattress and they brought it up and that's what I  

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did and stayed there until everything got done.  But what the what I realized at that point at  

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this point now, not back then, what I realized  more than anything was here's a woman who wanted  

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everybody to like her because she had her own  traumas about whatever her life entailed. This guy  

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wanted him to like her, so he said yes. And I'm  the only one saying, "No, it's okay. It's okay.  

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It's okay." But they wanted to do that. And I felt  like I was being forced to do it. So I did because  

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I was not aware of the area. I mean, I come in, I  think it was midafternoon, so and she lived out in  

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Elgin somewhere, which is a smaller community.  I had no idea where I was in relationship to  

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anything. So I felt like I was I don't want to say  a victim, but it was almost like I felt like I was  

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a victim to what was happening. So anyways,  the whole point of this is when she did that,

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it was so apparent that she could not explain.  She couldn't say no. She always had to say  

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yes. And then she was like she resented  herself for saying it. Then, you know,  

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then it goes into her heart was probably racing  and she was imagining what I would do if I if  

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she didn't like fix this or do whatever. And I  wasn't willing I wasn't doing any of that. But I  

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think it was her alarm system went off. She she  had looked at whatever happened in parts of her  

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life thinking I'm going to be that same person  and I wasn't. But see, she assumed that. And I  

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think when our nervous system starts breaking  down and we're in a panic, we automatically go  

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into a fight or flight situation and we're going to  do whatever we need to do to keep moving forward  

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and not and try to calm that down because her only  way of calming that down was to get rid of me and  

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force herself on everyone else. Now, we stayed  friends for a little while when I was out there,  

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but it didn't last very long because in my  opinion, the lady was she had a screw loose  

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or two. There was a lot of weird stuff around  that entire situation. But I didn't I I just  

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remember wondering why is she doing this? And it  and now that I've done so much healing on my own,  

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it makes sense why she did it because I did  the same thing. Now, I may not be a people  

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pleaser that way and say, "Yes, what I would do  would just be if I can calm a situation down,  

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that's what I would do, and sacrifice myself  that way." So, we all have something that we   do. We all have something that we're trying  to protect ourselves from because of things  

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that happened to us when we were children. And  a lot of times, we haven't looked at that what  

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we learned as a child or what happened in our  childhood is the result of who we are today.  

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And all our bodies are trying to do is tell us and  teach us, okay, I don't understand what happened  

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then. Can you show me what it is now? And so  when a situation arises, it's not punishing you.  

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It's giving you an opportunity to do something  different. And I can tell you there's a lot of   things in my life I'm doing differently right now.  And believe me, I have a nervous system that's  

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screaming at me. I am moving forward anyways. But  my attitude and what I've heard my whole life,  

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if you want something different, you have to do  something different. So to get out of whatever rut  

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I may be in or whatever my fear is or whatever it  is that I'm trying to protect on the inside, it's  

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not serving me. And an overactive nervous system  doesn't serve anyone because we go into panic,  

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we go into crisis, we go into fear, we go into  overwhelm, we lose our capacity to do anything.  

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And we already live in a world that is challenging  us beyond challenging us. So I do have my days.  

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And what do I do? I stop and I just be. Sometimes  you just have to stop and be and just do that. So  

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the problem was never that you need to say no more  often. someone. Sometimes telling someone who has  

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the wiring to just set a boundary is like telling  someone with a fear of heights to just walk to  

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the edge. The information alone doesn't turn off  the alarm. And what you're actually against up  

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against in the body that h that has learned very  thoroughly that your safety depends on managing  

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everyone else's comfort. And that takes gentler,  more repeated work to retrain, not more willpower.

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So, here's what I want you to practice this week.  And I want to be clear. I'm not asking you to  

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go say a hard no to something big. I want you to  notice one moment this week where you want to say  

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no and you don't. When you catch that moment, not  force the no. Don't force the no. Just pause right  

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there and notice what's happening in your body  in that half second before you say yes. Anyway,  

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the tightness, the bracing, whatever it is,  that noticing without judgment is where the  

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retraining actually begins. And we'll talk  further about this on Friday. And this is  

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the permission slips that I talk about. And I'm  not putting them up on YouTube. I actually have  

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them inside my school community. And they're  just little things, little one thing to do,  

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three  a day to just be with yourself, to  get grounded, to get refocused. So, I know I talk  

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about them, but see, these things really do work  to help start regaining control of your body. So,  

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I just wanted to be clear about when I talk  about this on Friday. They're not on YouTube.  

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They're they're behind a school community. So,  if you're interested in learning more about it,   then feel free to check out the community.  Otherwise, there's no rush, no pressure,  

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no anything. But this is what I'm talking about  is giving you permission to just stop and allow  

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yourself to heal. So to bring it together,  saying no doesn't feel hard because you're  

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weak or because you haven't read enough  books on boundaries. It feels hard because  

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your body learned a long time ago that your safety  depended on staying agreeable. And the way through  

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isn't forcing yourself into bigger harder nos is  building small felt proof that no is survivable.  

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Your body isn't broken. It's doing exactly what it  was trained to do. If you want to feel the shift,  

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I created a head heart switch, which is a  4-minute video for $9. The link will be in  

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the show notes. And I am going to be opening  a free webinar soon. She's tired of being  

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strong. That will go deeper. This is Kathleen  Flanagan and you don't have to do this alone.

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