The Real Reason You're Exhausted Before the Holidays Even Start (It's Not Your Schedule)

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It's only the first week of November and you're already exhausted. Nothing is wrong with you. Your body has started the holidays without you. Today I want to show you why and how to bring yourself back to now. I know for me I have always dreaded the holidays and I noticed it mostly when I was in my thirties because in our 20s we were all doing what we normally do and it was kind of still fun because we're all just getting into what life is going to be and that kind of thing. But when 30 started and everybody's getting married and having babies that changed everything. And I remember that it was like the first of November and it was like, oh God. And then I would start thinking I'm feeling sick. And I think that it was a psychosomatic thing that if I admitted that I was going to be sick then I could be sick and get out of the holidays. But because I hated being sick so badly I never allowed that to happen. And I never understood why I always felt this but it was something that I did. So I was always bracing for something I just wasn't sure what I was bracing for but my body was definitely reacting and I was not conscious enough back then as I am now. I remember one year some friends of ours asked my husband and I to join them for Thanksgiving. And I was like, oh my God this would be so cool. And I said, well I will do that. I just need to make sure that I'm not going to be invited by my family because we were under strict obligations to be there for Thanksgiving. So as the time went on I never heard back from my family. They never invited me. They never did anything. So when she reached out to me again about a week before Thanksgiving and she said, are you going to be able to make it? And I said yes. And I was so super excited. I was happy. I was tired. I wasn't feeling sick. I felt relieved. I knew what I was bringing. And it was just going to be something different that I really wanted to try for once. About two days later my brother calls me and says, you're invited for Thanksgiving and I said, well I'm sorry I made other plans. And I knew he was going to get into trouble. He knew he was going to get into trouble. And he did get into trouble because my mother was very angry that I wasn't there for Thanksgiving for whatever reason. I don't know what the reason was other than she just wanted to shame and guilt us. But my brother took a beating for that one. And I had the best Thanksgiving. It was nice. It was enjoyable. It was relaxing. We had good conversation. We had great food. And somewhere along the line I think I started to understand that the holidays weren't what I dreaded. What I dreaded was the holiday family dynamic dysfunctional crap that we had to deal with. What was interesting is when Christmas came around and my brother made an appointment to inform me that I was invited. I think it was probably the first one on the invite list. And when I showed up that Christmas my family was forever apologetic and I let them be in it because I didn't care. I really wasn't upset or anything but I let them feel guilty because I knew that they had to. It was my mother's probably doing on that. But the thing that I think the main thing about that was understanding that there was something more going on even though I was unaware of it at the time. I knew that I was having symptoms of dread, tiredness, exhaustion, feeling sick, the beginning of November and I couldn't wait until the first of the year. But I never understood that it was always about the family. And I knew it was but I didn't think I realized what that was actually doing to my body at the time. And what's interesting is that the body doesn't only respond to what's happening it happening, it rehearses what it expects. So if past holiday days were tense, chaotic, lonely or exhausting, your nervous system stores that as information and starts preparing weeks ahead. That preparation is bracing. A jaw that stays tight, shoulders that creep up, breath that stays high in the chest and a stomach that never quite settles. You may not even notice it. You just notice that you're tired. You can cancel three things and still be exhausted because the drain isn't the activity, it's vigilance. In the background, your mind is running scenarios. What will she say this year? Who will drink too much? Will I have done enough? Will it be enough? Vigilance burns energy around the clock, even when you're sitting still. That's why rest doesn't seem to touch it. Women who hold everything together are especially good at this. From the outside, you look fine. You're making the list, buying the gifts early, planning the menu, what no one sees is the energy it takes to hold yourself together in advance. High functioning burnout around the holidays often starts here in November, with a body that's already working over time. I want to mention, for me, when I, back in my 30s and 40s with the family, I was always looking for ways to avert the anxiety of the holidays. I remember I started buying Christmas presents in June and July, thinking that that's what's causing all the stress at the holiday season. It wasn't. I also, when I hosted Thanksgiving or Christmas, I thought, okay, well, if I plan everything, get it all taken care of, get the food, like all done at like mid-November, so I don't have to think about it, get that done, figure out what I'm going to make, make whatever I can the day before or two days before, whatever it was, that would ease the tension. I also thought, well, if I get the table set, I get everything done, I can relax and enjoy the day. That never happened. It never happened. And I could never figure out for the life of me why I was in constant dread and oh my God, I can't wait for it to be over. Because no matter how much I planned, no matter how much I did things in advance, nothing mattered because I was still dealing with what my nervous system is teaching me now, that I didn't understand back then. And I was thinking, well, I can think my way out of the bracing, and but I couldn't. But you can show your body that the moment it's preparing for is not happening right now. So three times a day, do an unclench check, your jaw, your shoulders, your belly, then ask two questions. First, what am I preparing for right now? And second, is it happening right now? Every time the answer is not yet, your nervous system gets a little evidence that it can stand down. Over a few weeks, that evidence adds up. I had a client who blamed her calendar for all of her exhaustion. And she cleared it and she was still exhausted. So when she cleared her calendar and still felt exhausted, I asked her to name what she asked her to name what she thought she was actually bracing against. Was it a person, a conversation, or the weight of making it nice? And I came back that it was the weight of making it nice for everyone. So what I suggested that she do was just allow the day to unfold. Instead of being in her angst about how is everybody going to take this? Is everybody going to behave? Are we going to, you know, whatever the family drama is that we all go through? And I said, and if conversations start coming up that you're not comfortable with either say something or let's just make a suggestion of let's have pie, let's have coffee, whatever it is, just shift the subject out, but do it in a natural flow. And so she did that. And I asked her what shifted when she made that change. And she said that she, it just felt comfortable. There wasn't an intense tension in the room that everybody seemed to behave themselves, like nobody drank more than they should have. The conversation was pleasant. They didn't get into any kind of bad conversations like politics, religion, things along those lines that people get really upset over. And it was just a nice day. And I said, and so I suggested that maybe with her anxiousness around making it nice for everyone that her tension is what carried over, because she actually felt like she could relax and be that person finally. And I know for me, when I stopped doing the holidays with my family, I know that the dread stopped. And no matter how much I was taking control of it, and my control was to just remain quiet and just do everything that I could possibly do, and then not really say anything or get into any kind of conversations I wasn't interested in talking about. And that's what I did. Now that wasn't a solution, but it was my solution at the time. I still do holidays, but I do it for my friends and orphans, and it makes all the difference in the world. So I still do all the things that I do. I still plan the dinners. I still get everything done in time. I still have the table made. It's like when they come, we're ready to eat pretty much. And everything's ready, but it's not like it's rushed. It's comfortable. It's like the food comes out. We get to nibble and chat while, you know, the turkey's doing its thing and making the potatoes and plating everything up and getting into the food warmers and all that. And it's just like a nice time that we start with because, you know, when everybody starts coming in with the food, it's like, okay, where are we putting it? What needs to stay warm? And it's like a team effort when we do this. And it makes it nice that I don't have the ick around the Thanksgiving dinner. With Christmas, I used to be depressed after Christmas or during Christmas, because I love Christmas holiday. I love it. I love the meaning behind it. It's magical to me. I still, I'm very much a little kid when it comes to Christmas. I just didn't like the dynamics of Christmas. So what, sorry, that's Gracie. So what I enjoy the most about Christmas and was just recently too, that I realized that Christmas wasn't so bad anymore, where I didn't get that depression anymore, that everything was fine. And it was, I finally came to terms that Christmas is what I want Christmas to be now. I don't have to have people around me. I don't have to have the fancy dinner. It's just being in a nice place with people I love. And I usually make apple butter for people, and they love it. And that to me brings the joy that I want. But even though I'm still very much a high achieving woman and believe me, it has been in my face a lot lately. Some things are never going to change. But what I do is the things that I teach you to do, I do myself, because I need to. Like today's a prime example, I'm trying to get things done that need to get done with my other business. And one project's done, the other one is getting there, but it's not finished. I just learned today we have more work to do. So that takes the pressure off. But I think part of the anxiousness is also because it's the holiday season, and it's a remembrance that is still in my body. So instead of beating myself up, or treating myself like crap, or punishing myself, it's like, that's okay. It's November. It's the end of the year. It's the holiday. It's an old paradigm that is rearing its head. And when things rear their head, instead of beating yourself up, or punishing yourself, just breathe through it and take a break. And that's what I'm doing because I did a lot of things this morning. And I'm just like, I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I'm going to do the show. I'm going to do what I need to let the thing after the show. And then I'm done for the day, because I need to, because I realized that there's something happening inside my body right now. And maybe it's because I'm talking about and remembering all the holidays that I had to deal with with the dread. And they're not dreadful. I still like the holidays. And the nice thing is when I do the holidays now, it's just a day. It's a day of good friends, good food, good company. And then I'm fine, because we all pitch in to make it a great day. And we all pitch in to clean it up. So I'm not stuck holding the bag like I used to be when I was with my family, because a lot of times they didn't do the cleanup. Or they would do part of it, but not all of it. And that makes a big difference when there's a unity. And I'm still working on healing the nervous system. The nervous system has a lot of stuff in it that I keep moving through. And it's all okay. So what I want to do now is I want you to go ahead and put your hand flat on your breast bone and breathe in through your nose for a count of four. And exhale through the count of six. And say to yourself, it's not happening right now. Right now, I'm here. Take one more breath in. And exhale. And notice what's softened, even a little. If you know a woman who's already tired and the holidays haven't even started, when you're back on your phone, send her this episode. Sometimes knowing there's a reason is the first relief. I know this was a very fast show today. And it's all good because sometimes I don't need to drag out a show to make a point. So I want to thank you so much for showing up for yourself. This is Kathleen Flanagan. And you don't have to carry this alone.