The Real Reason Success Feels Lonely (It's Not Because You've Outgrown Everyone)

0:03

What if the more capable you became, the  more invisible your need for support got?  

0:10

When was the last time someone checked on  you? Not your business, not your output.  

0:17

You without you having to ask first. If  the answer surprised you, stay with me.  

0:26

Today we're going to talk about the quiet math of  success and why it isolates more than it connects.  

0:34

Here's the quiet math nobody  tells you about success.  

0:40

The more competent you look, the less people  think you need anyone. Competence signals safety  

0:47

and safety to most people reads as doesn't  need help. So, the offer stops coming  

0:55

and asking starts to feel like undoing your own  credibility. If you're the one everyone leans on,  

1:02

1 minute, 2 

the strong friend, the go-to advisor,  the one who holds the room together,  

1:09

that role has no built-in space for your own  needs. There's no reciprocal seat at the table.  

1:18

You're always the one holding  it, never the one being held.   In your closest relationships, who holds space  for you? Not just for what you can offer them.

Chapter 2: Facing Loss in Isolation

1:37

I want to talk about when my father died and my mother actually because  those were two places where I felt the most alone.

1:53

When my mother died, I thought I had people around  me that could handle this and that they would  

2:01

actually participate, be there to support me,  that type of thing. And that's not what happened.  

2:11

And I remember I was in a really  dark place at one point and I had um  

2:17

a woman called me and she's like, "How you  doing?" You know, she was all happy. She   didn't realize my mother had died cuz my mother  had just like passed away like a day or two ago.  

2:29

And [snorts] I told her and I could feel the  depth of silence on the other end. She did  

2:37

2 , 37 

not have the capacity to help me. She never even  dealt with the death of her father or her sister.  

2:46

2 , 46 

So how was she going to help me? But she was  kind and she listened. She didn't say anything.  

2:56

2 , 56 

And I said, "I'm actually I'm I'm okay."  And I said that to like get her off like give her a way out the door because I knew she needed it. So I gave her the way out the door  

3:08

3 , 8 

and I never heard from her again and I knew  I wouldn't. The next person who called me,

3:18

we were talking and I had been there when her  partner had passed. Well, after she passed,   she was still grieving. It was like within a  year or something. And I remember being there  

3:28

holding space for her, letting  her talk, letting her do the grieving thing.  

When I was in that space, [clears throat] I  remember I was telling her something and it  

3:42

was really so gut-wrenching at that moment in time  and she's like, "Hold on, I got to get this call." And she hung up.

3:58

And I just sat there and I was like, "We're  done." Because the woman didn't need the money.  

4:05

It's just a game that she played because she  always thought that every phone call was so   much more important than what she was doing at the moment. And if she thought it was going to  

4:14

be money, it was even more important than  it was to be talking to somebody in pain.  

4:21

She called back and I did not answer the phone. I  never heard from her again and I never called. But  

4:26

she did know because there was one woman who was a  friend of both of ours and I had told her about it  

4:36

and she said, "Well, I called her back." She  said, "That wasn't the point. The point is is   that you hung up. That you chasing money was  more important than somebody who was in need."

4:49

And that was the end of that. And I remember  there were only two people at the time of my  

4:54

mother's death that I really could count on.  Well, there were probably three, but my mom, but  

5:01

She was one of them. He just listened. He didn't  say anything. He just listened to me just cry and say whatever I needed to say  because there was so much stuff going on  

5:11

inside of me. I didn't know how to deal with it.  And then the other person that was in Chicago,  

5:17

the only thing she asked me was, "What do you, you  know, what are you grateful for?" And that was,  

5:24

and I talk about that a lot because that was what  got me out that she she knew enough to just say, "What are you grateful for?" to help me to get  out of the place that I was in because I didn't  

5:33

know how to get out of where I was. I had never  had grief like that. And when it's your mother,  

5:39

it's a very, very, very challenging and unique  experience. And thank God we only have one mother  

5:46

because I couldn't do it a second time. And that  was the path that started me on the journey home.  

Chapter 3: Navigating Complicated Grief

5:55

5 , 55 

When my father died, everybody's  like, "How you doing?" And all I could say is, "It's complicated." Because it was complicated. There were so  

6:04

many emotions inside my body. I couldn't even  sift through what was coming up at that point.  

6:10

There was it was just so much. There was  layers upon layers upon layers and lifetimes   upon lifetimes upon lifetimes is all I could  feel. And I just didn't know how to navigate.  

6:20

So I just kept doing my best. But people  kept asking because at that point I was  

6:24

starting to let people in a little more. And  I remember the one day I was on a um call and

6:39

nobody it was a mastermind type of call and nobody  was in the room except for two people and I'm like  

6:45

oh my god this is not going to be good because  I knew all the attention was going to be on me.   I just knew it and I didn't want it on me,  

6:55

but it was what spirit wanted and  what I needed to hear that day. And  

7:01

I got to talk about what I was feeling, what I was  experiencing, how I was working through navigating  

7:09

the complicated issues. And the one  the gentleman that was on the call,   he said, "Kath, you've already got spirits on  your side and they're just there helping you." So,  

7:19

it was almost like he helped me to remind  me that I really wasn't alone. I am very  

7:24

connected. Spirit is there. They're holding me  in love. They're supporting me. And it was just  

7:30

how I had to navigate through the grieving  process. And the woman that was on the call,  

7:39

I think she was more surprised, first of all, that  I was as open as I was because and I was crying  

7:45

and I'm not one to do that. I I mean I barely  knew these people enough to even do that. But  

7:52

there was a safety that I felt to allow them in  and there was an understanding that they knew  

8:00

of me to know that the connection that  I had was very strong and I just needed   to remind that. But see, when you're grieving,  it's not always about a spiritual connection. Yes,  

8:10

they're there. Yes, they support you. Yes, they do  all of that. But sometimes you need that physical   connection. And you need to know that somebody  actually cares enough about you and they're  

8:17

helping you and they're holding you up when you  can't hold yourself up. And I think that was one  

8:23

of the biggest things that changed for me was  when I experienced that is when things started  

8:31

to fall into place. Like I was starting to see  what the top emotion was that I was navigating.

8:41

Because when you're in a  field, when you're in water,   and you see all this stuff, and water is your  emotions, and you're seeing all these emotions,   but you can't identify them  yet because there's so many.

8:57

And I just remember thinking, you know, I'm  getting through this. I'm handling it. I lost,  

9:04

you know, the network went belly up um on for the  podcast and I couldn't cope. I just I mean it  

9:12

was like that's when I flattened. That's when  I actually faced the emotions that I was facing  

9:18

and I remember just navigating through it and  talking to people and but instead of it being  

9:26

the focus on me, it was like I'm not sure what to  do with this show. I don't know where to go with   it. I don't know because I didn't know. I really  truly didn't know. [snorts] And people were there.  

9:36

They knew what I was navigating. But it was  like, but what is it that you really want?   What does the show mean to you? So again, switch  your consciousness. Switch what you're thinking.  

9:45

Get out of what is it that's really  important? And when I did that, I was able  

9:51

to start moving through again because I was the  show didn't air for three weeks because I didn't   know I didn't know what to do. I didn't know  where to go. I didn't know what programs to use.  

10:01

I didn't know anything. And I had to  just understand where I was at at that   place. And when I did, I could start seeing  what was happening because I was in a very  

10:11

very very dark place. I was in that suicidal place  again because I was I know my mother was suicidal.  

10:23

I know my father was. And I think when they died,  that's why it hit me because I've been suicidal.   but I work through all this and here I am all  of a sudden it's like I don't know where this  

10:32

is coming from cuz I don't feel that way but it's  what happened and so as a result of all of that  

10:40

I was able to start navigating through  this and I started getting back on the show  

10:46

and I started like learning new things as hard as  it was I was doing it and then the anthology book  

10:54

came out and this was my story of what happened  to me with the relationship of my father who died  

11:01

the day before the book went to publication if  there wasn't synchronicity in all of that. But  

11:08

what's even more interesting about this that my  father's been dead for a year and four months now  

11:17

and what I have grown and done and experienced  in my life since that. You know, that's why I  

Chapter 4: The Nervous System and True Healing

11:23

talk about the burnout. That's why I'm talking  about the nervous system because I had no idea  

11:29

how much all of that impacted me and my nervous  system and understanding what true healing is.  

11:36

Because we think we heal up here in our brains,  but we don't. We heal in our heart. We have to  

11:41

release the pain and the suffering that's in our  bodies because we all have it and we all stuff it.  

11:49

And when when I look at what  this past year has been for me,  

11:55

it's almost overwhelming the degree of what  I have lived through and survived in my life  

12:03

because I had no idea. I really truly had no  idea. All I know is that my anger kept me alive.  

12:11

I kept moving forward and I had a  mission. And that was all I knew.   I didn't know what the mission was, but by  golly, I was going to find it before I died.

12:22

And it explained so much of my behavior. And  so yesterday, I had to take my cat into the vet  

12:31

and he had a urinary block going. Now, I know  what this is. I know how life-threatening this is.  

12:37

And you know, and I'm just in there  and I the everything the vet said,   I knew what he was talking about cuz I had gone  through it with Felix. Felix was worse though.  

12:49

And I understood and we were doing this and I  was on the phone a lot with S going through this  

12:54

and talking to him and sharing this with them  and there were tears because I said we cannot  

13:01

I said we don't have this kind of money and no  animal is worth that because both of us have spent  

13:08

tens of thousands of dollars to save cats  and they still died within a year or less.  

13:17

and I just said, "We can't we can't  do this. I can't do it. I don't have   the money to do it. He didn't have  the money." So, we made decisions.  

13:25

And the first thing we decided to do  was get the cat out of critical state.  

13:32

Brought him home last night. He ate. He's going  to the bathroom. He's He's still a little wiggy.  

13:39

He certainly doesn't trust me and like me  very much right now. He went back to the vet.   Everything's fine. We've got 7 days before  we know if he's really out of the hot water.  

13:49

But I called an emergency room hospital and they  said it's going to cost $5 to $6,000 and I said,  

13:55

"We're going to put him down if that's what  it comes down to." Now Marco is only what,   two years old, so he's a fighter and he is  fighting back and I understand that Shadow  

14:05

is the one who's causing it and being a bully.  But the whole point was is that I didn't collapse   like I did in May when the water heater broke.  Now, it doesn't mean my brain is functioning 100%.

14:20

Because I still went down, but it wasn't like  normal. Like, I could still function. I could  

14:26

still do things. I still was moving forward in my  life as I am today. Very slow, but I'm doing it.  

Chapter 5: Building Solid Internal Strength

14:33

And that is the part when you start healing  your nervous system. When you allow whatever  

14:39

is in there to come out, to surface, to look  at, to release, to love, to bless, to forgive,  

14:46

whatever it is. When you do that, your capacity  grows, your strength grows, your peace go grows,  

14:58

and you realize that it's just life. And  yes, emotionally it can be hard, but it's  

15:05

not devastating anymore. And I think that was the  biggest thing I realized yesterday with Marco is  

15:12

I wasn't devastated. Do I want to lose the cat?  No. Because what was the thing I said? What is it  

15:18

with me finding animals and they're dying within  two years of their life? And the only thing I  

15:23

could tell myself at that moment in time was  at least they had the best life they could have  

15:29

in the short amount of time that they were here  on this earth. And that's what I looked at.  

15:37

I also asked Ariel to help Marco. So, um, the  block was taken care of really quickly. So,  

15:43

that was really cool. I mean, they expected it to  be a lot worse. And by the time I picked him up,  

15:48

his urine was yellow and no longer blood. and they  didn't expect that either. So, I caught this in  

15:54

time [snorts] and he's doing better. We're not  out of the woods yet. But see, that was allowing  

16:01

people in. That was allowing me to change. That  was my growth. It was a way for me to look back  

16:07

and say, "I've done a lot of heavy duty hard work  this year in the last year, and it's not done,  

16:15

but my strength is more real. I'm not holding  myself together and being angry or whatever. I'm  

16:22

I'm actually like solid. And that's what true  healing is. Is you get solid inside of you. You  

16:30

know what you're capable of. You know what you do,  you need. And you're not afraid to ask for help.  

16:36

And if people sit there and want to think you're  a failure or you have no capacity for whatever   or they want to judge you because you're having  a breakdown or whatever it is, get rid of them.  

16:48

because they're not friends and they're  not loving and they're not kind. Because   in the world we're living in today,  kindness, empathy, and compassion,  

16:58

as far as I'm concerned, is king. And we need to  do that more for ourselves because if we can do it  

17:03

for ourselves, we can do it for others. And that's  what I want to share with you about the loneliness  

17:10

that I used to feel because I didn't know who to  talk to. And when I'm falling in my mind or not  

17:17

or I'm unclear about something, you know what I  ask? Who can I talk to about this? Who can I call?  

17:23

And do you know I've got about two or three people  that understand me, that love me, that accept me,  

17:28

and we can and they've got me. They've got my  back. We hold each other up. And I my mind expands  

17:35

because they see a perspective that I didn't see.  And that is the gift. That is a true gift because  

17:41

now I'm creating amazing connections with people  that I admire and respect and they have the same  

17:49

admiration and respect for me. And that is  a beautiful thing because it's changing a  

17:54

paradigm in my mind that nobody likes me, nobody  cares, nobody loves me. That paradigm is dying a  

18:01

little bit more every single day because I finally  said, "No, I don't believe what you say anymore.  

18:10

So, I hope you found some value in this  and I hope you can relate to it a little   bit and that's okay if you can't,  but it is something to think about  

18:19

because we all need to heal and we all need  to know we're loved and we all need to know that we matter to people and  to other and to that our lives matter  

18:29

that what we're going through that somebody's  there to help us hold us up when we need it.   So, what I'd like you to do is to draw two  circles on a piece of paper. One inside the other.

Chapter 6: The Gap Between Leaning and Letting In

18:46

In the outer circle, list the people who  you lean on or who lean on you, I'm sorry.   And in the inner circle, list the people  you actually let see you struggle.

19:06

Look at the gap between the two.

19:12

That gap is the size of your loneliness, not the size of your circle.

19:24

Pick one person from the outer circle. And this  week, I want you to let them in a little bit more.

19:38

And if you're able, close your eyes.  And if not, just follow my voice.   Place your hand on your heart.

19:52

and bring to mind one person you could  tell one true thing to this week.

20:03

Not the whole story, just one true thing.

20:16

and say to yourself quietly, I am allowed to need someone.

20:29

Needing is not the opposite of strength.

20:39

Take a deep breath in and let it all the way out.

20:51

And when you're ready, open your eyes.

21:03

This is week three of why everything feels  empty. Next week we close the series,  

21:10

how to reconnect with yourself again. Subscribe  so you don't miss it and share this with the  

21:18

strong woman in your life who could use the  reminder that needing help isn't weakness.  

21:25

If this episode felt like your Tuesday, I made  something free. It's called the permission slip.  

21:33

Five , no cost. Just go to school.com/Iamthelightsanctuary/about.

21:44

I'm Kathleen Flanagan. And you  don't have to carry this alone.