The Real Reason Saying No to Family Feels Like Danger (It's Not Selfishness)

You've rewritten the text five times. We won't be coming this year. Your heart is pounding like you're about to do something dangerous. And here's the thing. To your nervous system, you are. Here's why that happens. For most of human history, being pushed out of your family or your tribe meant you didn't survive. Your nervous system still carries that wiring. So when you disappoint your family, your body reacts as though your safety is on the line. That racing heart isn't proof you're doing something wrong or that you're selfish. It's an old alarm going off at the wrong time. At the end of this episode, I'm going to walk you through your holiday no script. So when the moment comes, you're reading your answer, not deciding it under pressure. So this is what happened to me the first time I said no to my family and it's a good one. I was in Chicago when that came about. And we're going to preface it that my mother called me on her birthday in September and I was going to tell her I was in Chicago at the time and then she chose to get mad at me after three minutes of being on the phone and called me, a witch and hung up. I didn't understand it, didn't know what that was about, didn't care, I went back to bed because she called me when I was already in bed. So when Christmas showed up, my mother calls me again and then tells me, ask me if I wanted to do Christmas with her, go to church. And I said, well, that's really nice of you to offer and thanks for inviting me, but that might be a little hard because I'm living in Chicago right now. And that set off pretty much a World War III. In my mind, I'm thinking I'm being a big girl, I made a decision to be a big girl, moved to Chicago to write my book, not that my mother knew any of this at the time. You see, that's how I thought that I made a decision without my mom. That is not how my mother took it. My mother didn't care that I said no about going to church with her, what she was mad about is that I went to Chicago and didn't tell her. So I think that my mother had decided that none of us girls and maybe my brother as well could make decisions without her as long as she was alive. And what really surprised me the most out of that was that it did sting, that she was mad and she hung up very quickly. My mother and I were already estranged, so that wasn't necessarily a big deal to me because I was trying to find my way. And somehow I didn't, they didn't call me for Thanksgiving. I don't know why. Maybe the family stopped doing Thanksgiving, I don't know at that point. All I know is that when she invited me to come and got really mad at me that I had moved to Chicago without letting her know it set a war off. Now I was, it stung, I felt proud of myself that I finally told her. I knew I was going to tell her, but what happened was something that I didn't expect after that. That pretty much ended my mother's and my relationship. Now I am a very unique case and I don't think that's going to happen to most people, but for me it did. And it was mainly because there was a lot of conflict going on inside my family already. And it was just, I was done. I had already managed to get out of Thanksgiving. For whatever reason I managed to get out of having to do Thanksgiving or attend and I don't know if that was the beginning of the family starting to go their separate ways. I'm not really sure anymore, it was too long ago. But when I came back to Colorado, my being in Chicago affected my mother so much that she decided she was not going to talk to me anymore. So I called her and said I was back in town and she was nice and friendly and we had a conversation, but it was strained. And I felt really bad because I wasn't even wished a merry Christmas. I didn't receive a gift, not that I expected one, but it was like I was being punished. And again, I'm not saying this is going to happen to everyone, it happened to me. And I had to come to terms with that because to me at that moment in time, preserving what little strength I had inside of me was more important than my family because I didn't want to do the holidays, I wasn't going to do the holidays, going to church with my mother where it was just her and I that I could do. I don't know if that's what the plan was, but she wanted nothing to do with me pretty much after that. And I think mainly what happened was my family got involved that there were the ones that basically alienated me from my mother because there was a conversation that I had that she was going to be moving into assisted living. And I said, well, I can live in your condo if you want me to and pay rent and so on and so forth because I didn't have a place to stay yet. I was back at my old house. And she was all for that and then I never heard from her again. So I kind of sensed that my family was involved in it. But the whole point of that and not that that's going to happen to you, but it can. Not saying it will because I certainly didn't expect what I got. And I had to deal with it and that was when I started realizing that my mother didn't love me. Now, I there's a totally different dynamic in my family than most people have. So I had to own that. I had to accept that. I had to be with that. I mean, I had just finished writing my I was still in the middle of writing my books. Okay. So I was still writing my books. I hadn't even come to that point a hundred percent that my mother didn't love me. It was all after that because then she never talked to me again for my birthday. I mean, we never talked again. It was whatever went on our relationship was terminated. And I didn't see my mother again until she was in hospice. And I was okay with that too. I know that I had repaired my family, my mother's relationship as much as I could. And that was the main thing. I don't have any regrets. I didn't have regrets because I came to terms with my relationship with my mother. They came to terms that it was okay that if she died, I would be okay. I wasn't going to have a life of regret. I wasn't going to be like, well, I should have done this or I should have tried more. No, that wasn't going to happen. And that's what we're trying to teach what I'm trying to teach here is it's okay to say no. Will there be consequences, possibly, possibly not, but you have to be prepared because you still deserve to say no, you still have the right to do holidays the way you want to. You have the right to put up your boundaries even when it comes to families. And I know there's a lot of dysfunction in families, but see how long do you want to continue playing that game? This really becomes about you, your empowerment, you feeling good with you, you accepting you and you loving you. And that's what this thing with my mother taught me. So yeah, it's done when she got mad at me. It's done when she hung up on me. But what do you do? I can't control her. I wasn't going to let her ruin my Christmas. I wasn't going to let her ruin my life. I wasn't going to be in shame or guilt or whatever she was trying to accomplish. I wasn't going to do that because I wanted to be in my power. I deserved to be treated decently and with respect. I treated my mother that way. I deserved it too. And for some reason she had something going on with however she looked at her children, which it's a story. That's a totally different story. But when you do the things that you're doing, the way you want to do them and you're living and you're at peace with you, that's what matters because I had a client once who said yes to hosting when she really didn't want to say yes. And what she ended up doing is she felt guilty and it bothered her so much that she couldn't stand the guilt. So what she did is she just went ahead and said yes to doing the hosting. And what happened was she had a miserable holiday season. The family did the things that the family does, that the argument started. She was overstressed. She was right back in the place which she was. And that's what happens to us when we say yes, when we want to say no, we're the ones that take that bear, we're the ones that take the brute of it. And nobody else cares what you're thinking or what you're feeling. They don't care. They're all about themselves at the holidays. That's how I always saw it in my family was always about them. If I didn't say anything, they didn't care because see Kathy was behaving herself. That was how they looked at it. Well, Kathy's behaving. So it's okay that she's not talking. I don't know why they ever had that opinion of me, but they did. So the question is, what do you want for your holidays? How do you want to be and how do you want to feel? Because it really is okay to say no. And it is okay to say not this year or we've had other plans or we're doing whatever because I know sometimes people leave the state so they don't have to show up for the holidays. Like they make plans for the holiday season. I know people have done that just so they don't have to do it and then they don't get that guilt thing as badly, but they still have to tell mom that they're not going to be home for the holidays. So that's what I'm wanting you to really think about this year. Because do you really want to have your nervous system all over the place? Do you want to be stressed out? Do you want to go through yet another friggin' holiday season? I dreaded the holidays more than you can ever imagine and when I finally said no, it made all the difference in the world that the holidays started to be better. I started to have more fun and enjoy them and I got out of all that weird stuff. Because for most of human history, being pushed out of the family or tribe was genuinely dangerous. Your nervous system still carries that wiring. So when you disappoint your family, your body can react as though your safety is on the line. A racing heart, a tight throat, an urge to take it back immediately. That panic is an old protection. It isn't a verdict on your character. Most of us were taught that guilt means we did something bad. But guilt also shows up when we break a rule we absorb as children. Like keep everyone happy or family comes first, no matter what it costs you. In that case, guilt is the sound of an old rule breaking. It means you're changing a pattern, not that you're a selfish person. Holiday traditions carry everyone's expectations, memories, and longings. Saying no to a tradition can feel like saying no to the whole family, which is why a simple will stay home this year can feel so enormous. Decide in a calm moment, not in the middle of the phone call. Before you speak or send the text, put your feet on the floor and let out one long exhale. Keep it short and warm. We're not coming this year. We love you and we'll miss you. Notice the urge to explain. Every extra reason is an invitation to negotiate and your no doesn't need a defense to be valid. Your family may be disappointed, that's allowed. You can care about their disappointment without making it your job to fix it. Their feelings are theirs to feel. Your choice is yours to make.

We love you and we'll miss you. And one reason or none. You can have one short reason if you choose to give one, never a list. And if they push, I know it's disappointing. My answer is still no, say it once more, kindly, then change the subject or end the call. And here is what I suggest after saying no. Do one thing for your body right after that, like take a walk, have a cup of tea, or call a friend because the urge will come and it will pass. Then lead the rehearsal. Now let's get it into your body. Press both feet firmly on the floor. Read your answer out loud just to yourself. Notice the surge in your body. Don't argue with it. Breathe out slowly. Then say it again. And once more. Notice how each time your body learns that saying it didn't destroy you. You're rehearsing safety, not just words. If saying no is hard for you, I made a free guide just for this, by saying no feels so hard with seven kind scripts that you can use this season. And when you're back on your phone, go to Kathleen and Flanagan forward slash free guys and it's yours along with my weekly newsletter. So let me know how this landed for you in the comments and if you're going to use it. I know how hard it is, but you deserve to do the holidays the way you want them and not from an ancient memory that no longer works in our society. I want to thank you for being here. This is Kathleen Flanagan and you don't have to do this alone.