How You Lost Yourself (And How to Get 'You' Back)

You're not defined by your  strength, your achievements,   or the role everyone needs you to play.  Then who are you? If that question landed  

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somewhere in your chest, stay with me. Today,  we close the series by actually answering it.  

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We've spent this month naming what's underneath  the emptiness. Achievement that doesn't land,  

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a life that feels burrowed, success that isolates  instead of connects. Reconnection doesn't start  

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with a five-year plan or a total life overhaul.  It starts in the small unwatched choices.  

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The ones no, not what looks right. What do  I want to say? Not what keeps the peace.  

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Those tiny neural choices are where  the reconnection actually happens  

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because they're the only places left where you're  choosing for you, not performing for anyone.  

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So, what did you want before you learn  to want what you expected of you?  

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I know for me I think my  greatest disconnect was when I  

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when my mother died and I think it was more after  we buried her because it was it was a finality  

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and there was a lot of issues with my family that  was going on at the time. Um I didn't know who  

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these people were. I didn't know why they were as  angry as they were. I didn't get anything from my  

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mother's estate. I mean, they took everything.  So, I got nothing out of it. So, I really truly  

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did not understand what was going on. But the only  thing that I knew at that moment in time was that  

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I was over this. I was done. I didn't want to be  around these people. I didn't know the who they  

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were. I didn't like them. [snorts] They were  mean. They were nasty. They were greedy. And  

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I always wondered if my mother actually  had anything, what would it have been like?  

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Because what little she did have, they made  sure that two or three of them got it all.  

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I didn't care. All I know is that  I sat in this depth of despair  

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wondering who I was. Why am I here? I had  just finished the Dancing Souls trilogy.  

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It hadn't gone to an editor yet, but it was  done. I was still living it. I was still  

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owning everything that was going on. I had been  back from Chicago for what about 2 years now.  

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So that was my mother um basically decided she  didn't want to have anything to do with me.  

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I was estranged from my mother. I think  my siblings had a lot to do with it  

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and I was very alone and isolated at  that point in time. So I had no idea  

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what was going on other than I just remembering  wondering when I found my light, who am I?  

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What do I like? What makes me happy? I  had no answers to any of those questions.  

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It took my mother's death for me to really  wake up and understand that I was just caught  

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up in striving, achieving, proving myself  to the world, trying to not create waves,

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trying to be successful. And I'm saying trying  because in my own mind, I was never successful.  

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Even though I have all these accolades, I  have all these awards, I have all this stuff.   That wasn't success to me. I don't  know what success was at that point  

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other than I knew I didn't have it. And  I think to me success is being happy,  

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being around people that I love and who love me,  being accepted for who I am. Those were things  

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that really started to matter to me because I  my mother's death showed me a lot about people.  

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And even though they claimed to  be spiritual people and they were   had it together, they really didn't because the  minute that a tragedy entered somebody's life,  

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they were running because they couldn't deal  with their own stuff. That's how I looked at it.  

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Because if you really understand yourself,  you're going to be there for someone else   so you're not alone and isolated. But  people don't know how to handle emotion.  

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It's get over it. Well, you know, you don't get  over death of a parent very easily. It's not an  

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easy thing to do. I mean, they brought  you into the world. So, when they die,  

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there's a whole identity that goes with it.  And I've watched this repeatedly with people  

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when their parents died and how all of  a sudden they start being like totally  

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different because they're no longer under the  thumb. They're not no longer being scrutinized.  

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and all of that. And the thing was is that this  this moment didn't happen all at once. This moment  

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was years. The only thing that I remember that I  have so much recollection of was a friend saying,  

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"What are you grateful for?" And  all I could say at the time was,   "I'm in Colorado." And then the next day that the  skies were blue. And it went from there. And then  

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getting back into ballroom dancing because that  was the one thing that brought me the most joy  

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was dancing because I was connecting to my body. I  was connecting to another human being. I was being  

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creative. I was happy. I was flowing. I was doing  something that made me feel good. I didn't have  

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to answer to anyone. I didn't have to tell anyone  anything. [snorts] if they wanted to come to my  

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showcases, they could. If not, that was okay, too.   And it was something that I was able to  actually over the years see how much I improved  

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because, you know, when I first started  dancing, even though I was a dancer,   I was not a ballroom dancer. And my nervousness  was out there and all of that. And I started  

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wondering, what is it that I want to wear? Because  how many times did I look in the closet and   go, "Oh god, I have nothing to wear." And I had  so many freaking clothes in the closet and I was  

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like, I have nothing to wear. And now I still deal  with, well, what do I want to eat? And I No, it's  

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not because I'm choosing to make s happy. It's  just sometimes I don't know what I want to eat.  

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But I am making more of the foods  that I want to eat that make me happy,   that make me feel good. Because, you know, a  lot of times life gets challenging at times.  

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And it's always about well what's going to make  me feel good? What's going to make me happy?   And that's how I get through because you  know right now I feel kind of melancholy  

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and I'm not exactly sure. I feel  you know a little bit of frustration   but it's like it's all okay because I know  that there's a lot of changes that I've done  

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in this year. I mean it's like what we're at  the end of August already and it's like where   has the year gone? And I feel like all I  have done this year has really worked on  

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my nervous system and allowing that to heal  that it's almost like well well who am I now?  

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And so I just constantly reconnect with myself  the way I know how to reconnect with myself.  

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I don't beat myself up anymore. If  I don't feel like doing something,   I don't do it because I don't care. I'm not going  to do it. I'm not in the mood. So why bother?  

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And I know that everything will get done in  time because I've learned how to do that as well  

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of just trusting my process  instead of pushing and driving and   making something happen because I was  notorious. See, I didn't manipulate  

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people. I knew how to manipulate circumstances.  But what did that also do? It took me away from

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trusting. It took me away from am I creating  the life that I want or am I forcing something  

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that I think I want because I remember when I  got divorced, I knew everything that was going  

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on in the divorce because spirit let me see  everything and it was under the promise that  

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I wouldn't do anything to interfere with it.  And I remember as much as my heart was broken,

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I didn't interfere because all I  kept thinking is there's got to be   something better because my marriage was  a disaster. As much as I love my husband,

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he was a green-eyed monster that I could  not handle anymore. He was an alcoholic   and there were a lot of things that I  couldn't cope with anymore in that marriage.  

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and he had a very violent temper.   And when I snapped, I snapped. It took  two years to get out of that marriage. But  

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and I did not want to leave that marriage on  so many levels because I was married for life  

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and I just I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay  with them. I didn't want to stay with them  

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because my heart was already broken and I  was not becoming the person that I knew I  

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needed to become. And I think that was another  moment of starting to reconnect with myself too  

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was I didn't know who I was and I  knew I was totally disconnected.  

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I was very spiritually aware. I was listening.  I had a lot of things that were going on, but  

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my whole thing was always feeling  like I'm just missing something.   And maybe that's what I feel a little bit  right now, too, is I'm missing something.  

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And maybe I'm not. Maybe it's just the delusion of  the ego because our ego plays a lot of things. The   body is changing. This detox is still doing what  the detox is doing. And you know, when a friend of  

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mine said it's going to be two years, I'm I'm  getting to see that because the more I change   and grow and evolve, the more I see that the body  is like doing this ketchup thing. And it's like,  

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I don't know what this body is right now. It's  doing weird things. And it's like, okay, well,   we'll just let it go. [laughter] And that's what I  do. And I'm just trusting a process in a way that  

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I've never trusted a process. And I'm trusting  that I'm capable of doing the things that I want  

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and [snorts] that I need for me and that are  good for me. And I noticed that I used to do   things a lot when I was younger and I would  see very clearly. I could see very clearly  

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about people. And I was always right. And I'm Oh,  there's a lot of that unveiling happening again.  

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And instead of beating myself up, I'm making  different decisions. I'm making different choices.  

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I'm not being angry. I'm not being pissy. I'm not  being whatever I used to do. I'm just walking away  

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and noticing. And it's all okay. Because if you  want to be the true person that you want, you are,  

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if you want to be who you see in your mind, you  have to make some very tough choices in your life.  

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And I know I've made a lot of tough  choices in my life. And I have no regrets.   Absolutely none. [snorts] It may not have been  fun walking through it when I went through it,  

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but what I've got on the other side was so worth  every bit of what I went through. Because what   was I getting rid of? I was getting rid of head  trash and negative self-t talk and self-loathing.

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Were those things I wanted to keep? No, I don't.  I didn't. So, I got rid of them. And don't think  

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that I'm over this because, you know, paradigms  run very strong. And I think there's lifetimes  

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upon lifetimes upon lifetimes of paradigms of  what we have, of what we think about ourselves and  

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unworthiness [snorts] and, you know, feeling  unlovable or whatever it is that we go through  

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because we all have it. Every single one  of us have our own stuff that we deal with.  

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And the question is, do you want to face what  you're dealing with and have a better life? Or  

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do you want to just stay in the muck and drink  and do drugs and watch TV and then just have  

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an unlived life? Because that's the one thing  that I remember my whole life has always been.  

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I'm here to experience life, whatever the  hell that meant. And I have experienced life  

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and I've done a lot of things. I still do a  lot of things because I'm not dead. I may be  

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getting older, but I am not dead. And there's  still a lot of things I want to do. And I still  

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don't feel like I've fully gotten to where I  want to be. I'm getting closer all the time,  

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but I don't think I'm there yet. The switch hasn't  turned on for me yet. And maybe it never will.  

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Maybe the big grandiose idea that I have in my  mind of who I want to be, what my life looks like,  

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maybe it's not meant to be, maybe it will  be. I don't know. But what I do know is that  

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every day I'm grateful. Every day I'm grateful  for what I have. That the money is still there.  

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My bills are still getting paid. I have  a roof over my head. I have clean water.  

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And I'm grateful for that. And I think gratitude  is probably the biggest thing that will always  

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keep moving me into that new direction. Because  as long as we stay grateful of where we are,

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life will only get better because it's changing  the vibrational frequency of where you are. So   if I'm feeling a little melancholy today,  so what am I doing? I'm just grateful that  

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I'm here. I'm grateful that I have healthy  cats, that I've got a good relationship,   that I have money to pay my bills. I'm still  grateful. I have clean water. I can brush my  

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teeth. I have food in my refrigerator. Those  are big deals because I remember a long time ago  

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that wasn't a big deal because I was unaware of  what a lot of the other people don't have this.  

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You know, we have war toward countries. We  have people that are displaced that have   lost their countries. I don't know what that's  like. I don't want to know what that's like.  

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But we have a lot of that. So I started realizing  that even if I think my life sucks and it's not  

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going the way I want, all I have to do is change  my mind. Change my thoughts. Change your life.  

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And every time I did that, I my life would  change. And I remember discovering one time of  

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what made me happy was working on people,  helping people. you know, talking to people,   those things mattered to me, too. That was  another reconnection of that. I really like  

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being around people and being an aesthetician. I  loved it because I was with people. I was touching  

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them. I was making a connection. And if whatever  was going on in my mind would go away because I  

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was all about that person and I wanted them to  have a good moment. I wanted them to leave my  

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my treatment room [snorts] and have a good moment  and they could go home and enjoy their life. and  

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maybe something, just maybe something changed for  them [snorts] because that's all I ever wanted  

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in my life. And when I reconnected to that part of  my beingness, which is probably that little girl  

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that my uncle told me that I just love people and  I was always so happy to see people, which I still   can't comprehend that yet, but he would say that.  But it was but when I look back at what makes me  

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the happiest, it's that. So, I think that little  girl is working on coming back out. And it was in  

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all these little tiny quiet moments. I didn't have  to proof. I didn't have to force a change. I just  

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when you sit and you be with yourself, and I'm not  talking about distractions. I mean being with you,  

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feeling your body, feeling what's going on,  seeing what's coming up in your thought processes.   You do that those quiet moments is  when your truth comes out. That's  

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why meditation is so good because it  helps you to stop the mind chatter.  

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It helps you to quiet the mind, quiet the  body, breathing, it quiets the mind. It  

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gets everything shifted and changed. And  when you can go back into those moments

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and you start seeing small movements and I know  baby steps, I talk about baby steps all the time,  

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but it is one tiny baby step in the direction  of your dream will change the trajectory of   your life. And I have seen it over and  over and over and over again in my life.

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It's like when you get lost and you make the  wrong turn and you're going and you're going   and you're going and you either go and find your  way back or you do a U-turn and come back and  

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reroute yourself. It's the same kind of thing. And  it's just about trusting where you are at all the  

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at all times. That's why I say observe your  life. Sit and be quiet. Reflect on your life.   What did you do yesterday? What was good about  yesterday? What wasn't good about yesterday?  

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What can you change about what happened yesterday?  Those kind of things. And the minute that you  

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start doing that and trusting yourself in what  you want and you take that unwatched moment and  

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you trust it at one one at a time, you start  seeing things are shifting and changing for you  

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because it's always going to be in the quiet  moments. Always. Nothing happens when it's loud  

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because we can't hear anything when it's loud.  It's in the quietness. It's because we live inside  

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our body here. And when we connect with our body,  we reconnect with our heart, we reconnect with our  

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soul, with our spirit, that's when you find those  moments. And in the beginning, they might not feel  

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so good, but you know, the more you do it, the  more you like who you are and the more you don't   care about a whole lot of anything because your  happiness is what's more important. And to me,  

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that is the most priceless and valuable thing that  you can do and give to yourself in this lifetime  

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is just taking that moment to breathe and be  with yourself. So, what I'd like you to do now   is take out a piece of paper and I  want you to write down three questions.

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What did I want before I learned to want? What was expected of me?

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What did I want before I learned  to want what was expected of me?

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What's one small unwatched choice I can make today that's just for me?

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What's one small unwatched choice I can make today?

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That's just for me. Who am I underneath?

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Everything I do for everyone else.

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Who am I underneath everything I do for everyone else?

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I don't want you to answer  these questions right now.   What I'd like you to do is just sit and be with  those questions. Allow the answers to come up.

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And if it takes a couple of days, that's  okay. It's you just spending time with you   to understand where you got lost and  how you want to find your way back.

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So, I'd like you to close your eyes  or soften your gaze if you can.

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I want you to take a deep breath in [snorts] and exhale all the way out.

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Place your hand on your heart

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and bring to mind one small choice you can make  today unwatched, ungraded. That's just for you.

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and say quietly to yourself, I am  allowed to come home to myself.

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One honest moment at a time. Take a deep breath in.

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and exhale and open your eyes when you're ready.

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This month we walk through why everything  can feel empty even when your life looks  

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right from the outside. We looked at why  achievement stops feeling like enough,  

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why a life built from should can feel borrowed,  and why success can make you more alone, not less.  

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And now the truest question underneath all  of it is, if I'm not defined by my strength,   my achievements, or what I do  for everyone else, then who am I?

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You are still there underneath the performing, underneath the  proving, underneath everything you've carried.  

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She never left. She's just been  waiting for you to come looking.

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On Friday, we'll sit together and do exactly  that. Next month we're beginning a new series.  

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And if this month stirred something in  you, you don't have to sit with it alone.  

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Feel free to come into the I am the light  sanctuary, which is school.comthelight

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sanctuary. I'm offering a 7-day free trial.  Come in, have a conversation. Let's know what's  

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going on. And if you wish to stay, I'd love to  have you. And if not, blessings on your way.   I'm Kathleen Flanagan, and you  don't have to carry this alone.